My Hubby and the Dog find the idea of me running horrifying… harsh.

So my fabulous job has lunches catered into the office and, like most days, I ate WAY too much and was paying for it later in the day with buddha food belly regrets.

I texted Hubby about the terrible tummy situation I was in and he suggested I pop open the top button on my jeans, do a couple stretches, and drink lots of water.

Feeling like these were excellent suggestions I accepted his ideas and came up with some of my own, including maybe actually jogging and taking Orko with me as a running buddy!

Their reply was not cool… like really not cool.

concerned

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m a “professional” photographer now, but my dog just thinks I’m a “professional” asshole.

So last Christmas Hubby got me an AMAZING high techie camera that I promised I would use EVERYDAY and we would be able to decorate our house with the AWARD WINNING photos I was going to take… and then I used it like 4 times, decided it was way to fancy and technical for me and then never touched it again.

Fast forwarded to last week when Hubby threatened to sell my super high techie camera if I don’t learn how to use it…soooo… GROUPON TO THE RESCUE!

God Bless Groupon with their handy dandy coupons for any and all things.  I found a local studio that was giving a “So you’ve bought a high techie camera and have no idea how to use it” class… seriously that was the name of it.

So Sunday at 9am I was in their studio with my high techie camera, notebook, and trenta coffee. And after 4 hours of awesomeness I had like 25% of an idea how to use my high techie camera… which is better then 0%!

I ran home and started taking picture with all the new lighting, compensation, saturation, depth, knowledge I now knew.

Because he’s so damn attractive, I used Orko as my model… at first he was totally into it… then it got old… real old.

Picture #1
Orko: You want to take my picture?! OKAY!!IMG_2180

Picture #25
Orko: Okay you’ve been at this for a while, getting a little tired holding this pose.IMG_2179

Picture #67
Orko: I think you’ve got the shot already lady.IMG_2177

Picture #145
Orko: I will fucking cut you.IMG_2178

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Marriage, it’s about really knowing your partner, and the awkward photos that follow…

 

I love my Hubby and pretty sure on good days he loves me, but I’m certain that if there had been texting back when we started dating, about 20 years ago, he would have NEVER given me a second date.

Case in point, our text conversation about when I’d be heading home from work…

Slide1

 

Slide2

Slide3

 

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What do you mean I’m not a natural blonde!?!?

So I’ve been coloring my hair since my Junior year in High School, when I was positive I would look amazing with burgundy hair and my mother had finally given up telling me “NO” and that “I really wouldn’t” and “I couldn’t pull it off”, and just let me learn the hard way.

It was bad… but in my stubborn teen rebellion I said I loved it and kept it that color for a year.

As the years continued I went through all the colors of the rainbow; red, really red, pink, purple, blue, white, black/green (that last one was an accident) and the classic blonde which I sported between all the other colors.

But last week I had a novel idea… I should go back to my natural hair color… YES! It’s a color I haven’t done in years and I’ll look amazing!!!

Cheryl (my loyal hairdresser): WHAT?! WHY??

Me: I don’t know, it could be fun, and I don’t really know what it is, so it will be like a nice hair reunion!

Cheryl: So how am I suppose to know what it is?

Me: Can’t you check my… you know.

Cheryl: Your carpet?

Me: NO! My roots! Geez woman!!

Cheryl: Sorry!  I never know what you’re gonna say!!

Me: Well not that!!

Cheryl: Okay let me look at your roots… yep, it’s brown.

Me: What?? No it’s not! Are you sure it’s not something like a reddish, blondish, brownish hue?

Cheryl: Uhh, let me recheck… nope… brown.

Me: Well this reunion is gonna suck.

IMG_5556

It didn’t

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

My mind thinks I can save my dog from a shark with a screwdriver… obviously my mind thinks I’m a badass.

My favorite part of the day, is my drive home after work. Not because it’s the end of a work day or I drive though amazing landscape.  It’s because my mind creates the most bizarre storylines when I’m driving home.

I think the drive is my minds way of unwinding from a crazy work day, and some of the things it comes up with is pretty damn good, like HBO quality good.

For example, I’ll tell you the little adventure it sent me on during last nights drive.

It all started with me thinking about this Instagram account I’m following called Camping With Dogs. It’s filled with tons of great photos of people camping with their dogs, hence the pretty spot on account title. Here’s a little taste of some of the visual gold you’ll find on their page.

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 10.38.53 AM

GORGEOUS!  So I started thinking that we should really take Orko camping. And then I started imagining all the amazing photo’s we’d take of him being his normal cuteness, but now in camp mode.

My Mind: Ya, and we could take him to the ocean, he’s never been!

Me: Oh my god that’s right! How amazing would that be?

My Mind: Well let me show you!!

And it did!

And it was fucking horrifying.

First it showed us out on a boat in the ocean, having a great time.  Orko would jump off then paddle back to us with his big dopey smile on his face.

But then we saw a shark swimming right for Orko, so being the doggy mommy that I am I grabbed a bowie knife and leapt into the air towards the shark!

Me: Where did I get the knife?

My Mind: What?

Me: Well we’re out on a boat in the ocean, kind of hard to believe Hubby and I brought a bowie knife… we don’t even own one.

My Mind: Fine, fine, how about a screwdriver? Can still be used against the shark and you had it on the boat incase of engine problems.

Me:… okay, I can see that.

So grabbing the screwdriver, I ignore Hubby’s warning shout, and leap into the air onto the back of the shark, stabbing it in the eye.

Me: Tail.

My Mind: What?

Me: Well if Orko is swimming towards the boat and the shark is after him and I leap from the boat onto the shark then I’m facing it’s tail, not it’s face.

My Mind: FINE!

You land on the back of the shark using the momentum you grab onto it’s dorsal fin and flip yourself around so you’re facing it’s head and STAB IT IN THE EYE!

Me: Wow! I’m kind of a badass.

My Mind: More like a pain in ass.

Me: What ever, you had me jump a shark, that’s pretty much the kiss of death for creative writing in any tv show.

My Mind: … I hate you.

 

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Well fuck you too 39!!

So yesterday was my birthday.

I’m usually not a huge celebrater of birthdays, but seeing how this was my last year in the 30’s I thought maybe I’d make an effort… I really wish I hadn’t.

The glorious day started with me late for work, running out the front door, and then proceeding to slam my hand in the door, cursing like a sailer I turned to see my nice elderly neighbor in front of my house walking her dog, trying to ignore the horrified look on her face I gave her a wave with my wounded hand, which in its pain had automatically curled in all my fingers EXCEPT my middle finger… great.

So I finally get myself situated and in my car, and upon turning it on see an interesting new red light on my dashboard in the shape of a tire, I look out my window and yep, there it is, a nice flat tire on my car… great.

I run back in the house yelling at Hubby that I’m going to be taking his car as my tire is flat, and can he get that fixed for me? He asks if I have the AAA card, I dig through my wallet and cuss like a sailer once more as I can’t find the card, Hubby looks over my shoulder and takes this happy moment to point out that my drivers license is expiring… today.

The rest of the day involved me enjoying the wonders that is the DMV after a holiday break, finally getting to work only to have my laptop think it would be funny to freeze for a couple hours, finding out the IT guy is snowed in at the Chicago airport, and then getting home in time to get in a fight with Hubby over my belief that remote control rules should be void for birthday girls.

Happy Fucking Birthday Me!!

I’m actually looking forward to 40, it’s gotta be easier then this… right?

kisses

Birthday kisses from Orko… almost made all of it worth it… almost.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Orko learned the hard way that bigger is not always better… poor puppy.

Here’s some more pics of our northern adventure in the snow.

Orko loves snow and he loves it even more when it’s in the shape of his favorite object… ball.

So Hubby was making Orko’s day, until things got a little carried away.

Hubby: Okay buddy, here it comes!
Orko: I’m ready!!IMG_1931

Orko:… um… I’m having doubts.IMG_1932

Orko: Fuck it, I’m going for it!IMG_1933

Orko: I’M HIT!!!IMG_1934

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wise words from Hubby during the holidays

Got a little down this holiday season, but Hubby would have none of that and sent me the following text.

  So like a good wife I did exactly what my Hubby told me to do… at work… Yes that’s a tiara, when I go big, I go all the way!

 
Happy Fucking Holidays!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My dog, the snowman mutilator!

We took Orko up North to experience the wonders of snow… it took a bad turn… pretty much the moment we got out of the car and Orko noticed the snowman…

Hi there! I’m Orko.IMG_2097

Ummm, is it just me or does your arm smell like stick?IMG_2098

I’m just gonna give it a little taste…IMG_2099

Oooohhh yaa, that’s definitely stick!IMG_2100

Mmmmm, so tasty!IMG_2101

I’M JUST BORROWING IT!!!IMG_2102

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When drunken texting goes wrong… and then so right.

 

There are many perks to being my friend:

  1. If you’re sick, I will always stop by with some store bought chicken soup, because if I tried to cook some for you I’d probably accidentally set my kitchen on fire and then give you food poisoning with the end result I bring to you.
  2. I will never ask questions when you call me to come and help you bury a body, in fact I will bring my own shovel.
  3. I’ve got your back in a fight, I’ll probably go down on the first punch, and accidentally take you down with me, but I’ll still have your back!!
  4. Sadly you can’t call me to come bail you out of jail, because there’s a very solid chance I’m in jail with you… let’s be honest, I’m probably the reason we’re there.
  5. DRUNK TEXTING

Seriously my drunk texts are delightful, and a highlight to most of my friends life… sometimes… last night was an excellent example of the sometimes.

IMG_5138.PNG

 

I was getting a little stressed that perhaps those 20 texts before the picture of the bottle had bugged my dear friend Whitney and she was now ignoring me, or worst blocked me!… luckily I was proven wrong.

 

toots

 

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Leave a comment