Once again I have gotten a black eye, and I swear I find the lamest ways to get them. This time it involved my softball team the “Mother Sluggers” and an evil, evil ball that had it out for me.
BUT that’s for another blog (which will probably come tomorrow).
DM supporting me while we wait for the doctor
I have invented the greatest thing since… I don’t know, nothing has been invented that is as great as the thing I have invented to compare it to.
It’s the Corporate E-mail Filter… I may change the name, not really very catchy, whatever I’ll let the PR people work it out.
So how does my amazing invention work?! LET ME SHOW YOU!
Say an annoying colleague just sent you an email that basically calls you a complete idiot, blaming you for an error that he actually made on his side but is too much of a dip shit to see it.
Ok so go ahead and type out your response email and be as brutally honest as you want:
Hey Jerk Wad,
If you would pull your head out of your ass you would see that I actually can do my job, unlike you, you moronic pathetic excuse for a human being. So why did I send the documentation to the client? Oh I don’t know maybe because, per the attached email you sent me, YOU ASKED ME TO YOU DUMB ASS!!
Lets hope next time you’ll have your shit together enough to know what the hell you’re doing.
BLOW OFF!!!
Now BEFORE you hit send, click the Filter button:
And this is the email that is sent:
Dear sir,
Thank you for your email. I’m so sorry for my error. When you sent the email asking me to mail said documents to the client, I should have verified that was what you actually wanted me to do, my fault entirely.
I will make sure to always double-check in the future so I do not make the same mistake again.
Thank you and have a wonderful day.
TA DA!! Isn’t that amazing!! I’m going to be rich!!!
“You girls are lucky, you never had to learn how to work with a Wang.”
That was the sentence that started the greatest department admin lunch meeting ever.
I’ll give you a quick history lesson, so you understand what my manager Vie was actually talking about. The Wang 2200 was the first computer that was used in our company back in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. Apparently it was a big deal and the admins had to go through special training to use them.
“It was awful,” Vie explained. “You had to go to a week training to learn just the basics!” “They were the dumbest classes, How to turn your Wang on, How to make the Wang work for you, How to get the most out of your Wang.”
I was, of course, dying with laughter, but then I noticed Vie wasn’t laughing. “What?” she asked. Suddenly I realized that she wasn’t joking with me, she was honestly telling me the trials and hardships of their learning this new system. I looked at the other admins and they were all nodding their heads. (Tiff and I are the only admins under 50 in our group). I looked at Tiff and she was refusing to make eye contact with me and was instead focused intently on her sweet potatoe fries (which I think are totally disgusting, but that’s for another blog).
“Oh,” I said “That’s awful, tell me everything.” I could hear Tiff whimpering over her plate and instantly felt better.
“Well, we really hated the Wangs at first.” Vie continued. “They were huge and took up all your available space!”
“Awesome,” I replied. Tiff started choking on one of her fries (served her right).
“So, were the Wang’s fast or slow?” I asked.
Vie smiled, “Well in the beginning we were still learning how to use them so it was a slow process, but after a couple of months we got really fast on them. I swear one time I had mine smoking.”
Seriously it was my own fault for taking a drink of soda while she was talking, but when she started I didn’t think it would end up being that funny. So I was hacking pretty hard, which was making Tiff laugh even harder, which gave Vie time to figure out what I had been doing.
“Oh for god’s sake Mona!” Vie yelled. This caused the other admins to look at Vie confused and then I could slowly see the lightbulbs turning on.
“Oh My Gosh!” Debbie Sue explained. “Do you think they realized it sounded like that?”
Mary was shaking her head, “Good Lord, that’s why my grandchildren laugh whenever I wear the pin they gave us from the training.”
I held my breath, “what’s it say?”
“Have you hugged your Wang today!” they said in unison.
BEST LUNCH MEETING EVER!!!
Drunkey Monkey had an awesome time at the Oregon Zoo Brew!
(Zoo Brew is an AMAZING event where tons of brewries give away drinks while you walk around the zoo communing with nature. DM thinks this is the best idea since sliced bread… banana bread that is).
DM was not happy when he wasn't allowed his own cup and did not like sharing.
Some day DM some day.
When a woman screams “Take it with my gnome!”, you really just have to let it happen.
DM wanted to have a picture taken with his favorite brewery and was a little shocked when someone stepped into the shot.
AAAHHHHHH the family shot, so sweet.
Me, DM, and Hubby
Just had a pretty upsetting argument with myself over lunch.
It all started with me microwaving the left over steak from last night’s dinner.
Me: mmmmmmmm steak.
Myself: um… Me… what are you doing?
Me: About to eat this delicious reheated steak… why?
Myself: Aren’t you going to cut off that big fatty section first?
Me: … um… no… hadn’t planned on it.
Myself: UGH! That’s DISGUSTING!!
Me: WHAT!?! We ate it last night and you didn’t say anything!
Myself: That was different, that was right off the grill! It’s meant to be enjoyed right off the grill. But you just nuked it, fat is never supposed to be enjoyed from a day old nuked steak.
Me: But, but, but it still looks good to me…
Myself: If you eat that I will be totally and completely grossed out!
Me: *sigh* Fine. I’m cutting it off.
(And then of course I had to get her two cense in)
I: How can you even enjoy that? You know steak is just a piece of carcass right?!?
Me & Myself: SHUT UP I!!
Last night I was enjoying a little tele on the couch when I felt something brush against the back of my leg. I looked over my shoulder and saw my cat aka CIA cat.
And I did NOT like the look on her face, especially with my exposed legs right there for the destroying.
I quickly began thinking of all the things I may have done that day to piss her off, because that face was seriously freaking me out. Kind of a “Hello Claris” face and she was about to eat my calf with a nice chianti!!
Lets see I accidentally stepped on her paw this morning during our daily dance… she can’t still be pissed about that! I also forgot to buy more cat food, but I gave her some of the canned salmon from Alaska.. that stuff goes for 50 bucks a pop!! Is it the litter box?… crap… when was the last time I cleaned the litter box?? Oh Shit.
Now that I had narrowed down my fault, I began thinking of my game plan. I definitely couldn’t move, any movement may set her off. I couldn’t call out for my hubby for help as she does not like it when you yell. Trust me this was learned a painfully hard way, so no yelly.
All I had left was me and the Force.
Ever since I was little girl I’ve believed that the Force was within me. Star Wars was an important part of my life growing up. I could understand everything that R2-D2 said without the help of stupid C-3P0, I totally believed that if given the chance I could fly the Millennium Falcon, a Wookiee was my first imaginary friend, AND Princess Leia and I had so much in common. OK I never had inappropriate feelings towards my brother, but I could totally rock the Cinnamon bun hairstyle AND I look great in white. BAM I’m pretty much a Jedi already.
So now I just need to call upon my mind control Force powers… here we go, “You are getting sleepy”.
CIA cat was not impressed.
“You are such a sleepy sleepy kitty. Oh you’re little kitty witty eye lids are getting so heavy. Who’s a sleepy sleepy kitty?” Still nothing.
Ok this is the Force we’re talking about, ya gotta be serious when dealing with the force.
“This is not the calf you’re looking for. You will sleep and let it pass.”
Sorry the picture is blurry, but I was so freaking excited that I could not hold still. I continued my mind powers on CIA cat…
Sleep…
Sleep…
Sleep…
Sleep…
HOLY CRAP!
I CAN USE THE FORCE!!
Have you ever been told a story that you really weren’t paying any attention to? Usually because something else was on your mind, the story was just too boring, or (like me) you were too busy wondering where the hell the waiter was with your drink? Well I almost missed the funniest story EVER, because of a damn delinquent waiter.
It happened a couple of days ago when Cheri and I met up for happy hour after work. She was talking about something or other; I wasn’t paying attention, because like I said, my damn aussie waiter had gone MIA bringing me back my drink. But I was getting snatches of what she was saying as I frantically searched the crowded room for that man whose Australian accent, which had been so sexy 10 minutes ago, was now making me fear he may have actually gone to Australia to get my drink.
Cheri kept telling her story oblivious to my total lack of interest, “So she texted me blah blah blah bad weekend blah blah blah Chlamydia blah blah blah.”
Now there are certain words in the English language that will always catch your attention, no matter how distracted you are, and Chlamydia is definitely one of those words.
“WHAT!” I yelled, and then whispered, “you have Chlamydia?!?”
“No!!” Cheri cried, “Not me, Sarah.”
I gasped, “Sarah has Chlamydia?!?”
“No”, Cheri was starting to look pissed, “Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying!?!”
That awkward moment was thankfully diverted when Crocodile ‘Where The Hell Have You Been’ Dundee showed up with my drink. I gave him my most winning smile, which on the top layer says “You’re a doll and I love you” but on the bottom says “If you’re ever late with my drink again I’ll bust your knee caps”.
“OK”, I said sipping my drink. “Start over cause I think I missed some crucial points of your fantastic story”.
Cheri gave me a look that said, ‘Ya, you’re a big fat liar’ but she continued. “What happened was last week I got a text from Sarah saying that her week was going awful and to top it all off her gynecologist contacted her saying there were abnormalities in her last pap exam.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “pphhhtt, I always have abnormal pap exams, I don’t think I’ve ever had a normal one, I don’t think there is such a thing, I think it’s like some gynocology myth.”
Cheri rolled her eyes, “May I continue?”
“Sorry”, I said taking another sip of my delicious drink, “please continue.”
“So of course Sarah is very nervous and texted me that they think it may be the Big C.”
“Wow” I said, with Chlamydia on the mind, “that totally sucks, so what did you say?”
“I texted her back and asked if she had told Roger.”
I nodded my head, Roger and Sarah had only been dating for a couple weeks but it made sense he should be told of the possibility of the impending doom.
“But” Cheri continued “she texted back, ‘No, Why?’.”
“No Why?!?” I exclaimed “um I’m sorry, I’m not really up to date on my STDs but Chlamydia is spreadable right??”
Cheri rolled her eyes and nodded her head, “ya, so I texted back that I thought he had a right to know, and it took her like 20 minutes to reply and she texted she would talk to him about it when she had more details.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “um ok, I guess I get that. No need to freak him out unless she’s sure about it.”
Cheri nodded her head, “So last Thursday I talked to her when we all met up for that wine tasting down on Burnside.”
I interrupted Cheri, “OH that was a really good wine tasting, what was the name of the sparkling wine that kept making me sneeze? OH it was SO good!! I totally want to buy some of that and I don’t think it was the wine itself that made me sneeze but the bubbles, I can never handle those little bubbles going up my nose and I..”
“MONA,” Cheri yelled, “Focus, I’m not done with the story.”
“Oh right… sorry, please continue.”
Cheri once again rolled her eyes (which I’ve noticed she does a lot around me) and continued her story, “Well we’d all had a couple glasses, so I felt I could approach the subject. I asked her if she had heard anything more from the doctor. And she said she had gone in and they were running some test and would let her now the results soon.”
Cheri paused and started smiling. “What?” I asked, she just shook her head and continued. “So then I asked her if they had given her any antibiotics, because I thought even if they weren’t 100% sure it was Chlamydia, they could still start the fight against it.”
“That makes sense”, I agreed.
Cheri nods her head, “Ya, but Sarah looked at me like I had lost my mind and then leaned really close to me and said ’Cheri, honey, … there is no antibiotic for Cancer’.”
I snorted my gin and tonic and was laughing/coughing so hard that I thought I was going to die and I didn’t really care because that was the funniest sentence I had just heard in my entire life.
I tried to pull myself together as I was blowing most of my gin and tonic out of my nose. “Ok honey, let me get this straight, she never said she had Chlamydia?”
“NO”, Cheri exclaimed, “Remember she texted that she might have the Big C!”
I once again burst out laughing “and your first thought was Chlamydia?!?!”
Cheri looked at me hurt, “you did too!”
I screamed with laughter, “Only because you started the conversation with it!” I’m wiping away tears, “ok wait, wait, wait, this is still serious. So does Sarah have Cancer?”
Cheri was quite for a second… “no”.
I was at once relieved and free to laugh even harder at Cheri, “Did you tell her that you thought she had Chlamydia?”
“Well of course I did” Cheri explained, “I had to, because when she said Cancer I started laughing too and she looked at me like I was the biggest bitch in the world.”
I’m dying with laughter now and aussie waiter boy has come over to ask us to maybe keep it down a little, apparently snorting gin and tonic and screaming the word Chlamydia is poo pood in restaurants. I reply I would be happy to “keep it down” if I had another drink and BAM in the next 90 seconds I did. Lesson learned people, smiling will only get you so far but blackmail will get you the rest.
“Ok” I say, now composed, “So what did she say when you told her you had thought Big C meant Chlamydia?”
Cheri laughed, “Thankfully she laughed too and said how now my previous text made total sense about telling Roger. But then she got kind of serious and asked me why did I think she would get Chlamydia?”
“Oh Uh”, I said “What did you say?”
Cheri smiled “Luckily I didn’t have to say anything because you started your crazy sneezing tirade and the whole conversation was forgotten.”
“HA!” I said, “Trust me to come to the comedic rescue!”
“Ya” Cheri said, “I always do”.
But That's For Another Blog 