A Sneeze Attack Tried to Kill Me… and the Cat

Posted on June 28, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I had just settled down in bed with a nice cup of tea and my new Evanovich book when it happened… SNEEZE ATTACK!

The first one was so loud and violent it sent sleeping CIA Cat airborne and out of the bedroom before she even fully woke up.  I’m sure she found herself in the living room, looking around and thinking WTF?!

That big boy was then followed by a rapid fire of mini sneezes that had me bouncing around the bed as I attempted, and failed, to cover my mouth, hold my tea steady, and stay upright.  Snot and tea were flying everywhere in a sprinkler like fashion.  My legs had tangled in the sheets leaving my top portion to spasm in all directions.

I felt like those shell-shocked people interviewed after an earthquake “It just kept going and going, I know it was only a few seconds but it felt like hours *sob*”.

The sneezing finally stopped giving me a moment to try to pull myself together.  I looked down at my now empty tea cup, wiped my running nose, and attempted to untangle my legs from the damp sheets, when the sneaker hit.  Like the first one it attacked without warning, but this one was so violent it caused a complete body convulsion catapulting me off the bed.

I lay face down on the floor with my legs above me still tangled in the bed sheets.

Me: Babe! Little Help!

Hubby: What’s up?

Me … *sigh*… I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

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Hubby has Magical Powers

Posted on June 28, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I don’t like to brag but… MY HUBBY HAS MAGICAL POWERS!!!

Shocking I know, but I discovered his amazing gift last night.  We were driving home from stuffing ourselves at our favorite taco stand, and by we I mean me.

Hubby: That light’s going to turn green rriiggghhhhttttt NOW!

Street light turns green as we drive through.

Me: *burp* wow babe lucky, especially since you weren’t slowing down while it was red.

Hubby: Didn’t have to, used my powers.

Me: (unbuttoning my top jeans button) hmm sure.

Hubby: Oh here comes another one… aaannnnddd GREEN!

And sure enough that light turned green as we drove through.

Me: Ok you’ve got them timed, oh god my tummy, but I’ll humor you, you’re truly amazing oh great and powerful wizard.

Hubby: You’re mocking my powers aren’t you? Hey put your seat belt back on!

Me: Ugh! But it’s pressing against my tummy and trust me there’s already way too much pressure down there!

Hubby: Ya, you really should have stopped at 5 or even 8, but honey 10?

Me: HEY! Stop judging, they’re really small tacos so technically it was more like 4 normal size tacos, or 1 really big taco.

Hubby: Ok, open the glove compartment.

Me: AAHHH! You want me to move!? Can’t you see I’m dying? Why would you make a dying woman move!? That’s just mean.

Hubby: Lift your arm 10 inches and open the compartment you big baby.

Me: *SIGH* fine… TUMS!!!!!! Oh there is a taco god! When did they get put in there?

Hubby: Just now, with my MAGICAL POWERS!!  It’s not just for green lights.

Me: *whispering* wow, it’s not just for green lights… MAKE IT RAIN PUPPIES!!!

Hubby: …

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We’ve got an admin down… ADMIN DOWN!!

Posted on June 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Today started like any other Monday, me sitting at my desk waiting for my older than dirt laptop to start-up while I pondered if driving my car off the bridge this morning would have been better or worse then coming into work today.  I could have aimed for that perky blonde jogger and taken her over with me, she was way too perky for jogging on a Monday or any day for that matter, infact she was way too perky period, those were not real perkiness.  I noticed the blinking light on my phone… AM voicemail, never good… should have gone with the bridge.

I groaned as I picked up the receiver and entered my code waiting for the message to start. 

Pat: “Hi Mona, it’s Pat”

Me: “Oh you better not be calling in sick, I was considering vehicular homicide and I still got my ass in here”

(ya, I reply to my voicemail messages… Oh shut up you do too)

Pat: “So I wont be coming in today”

Me: “OH YOU SUCK!”

Pat: “I broke both my elbows”

Me: “Ya, sure me too I… wait.. what?”

Pat: “It’s the darndest thing, I was running with my dog Friday when another dog ran in front of us which made my dog shy away causing me to fall forward and I didn’t want to land on that poor other dog, so I tried to vault him only I didn’t quite make it and fell landing on my elbows.”

Me: “DUDE, you broke your elbows trying to stop from landing on the dog that tripped you? I would have been cannonballing that bastard!”

Pat: “So I was really embarrassed cause all these people ran over and asked if I was ok and I said yes and went home, put the kids to bed, and sat down to watch some tv.”

Me: “Oh my God! With broken elbows, were you drugged?”

Pat: “I guess I should have taken some ibuprofen or something cause an hour later I was still really hurting and when I went to stand up I realized I couldn’t.  I wasn’t able to put any pressure on my arms to push myself up. So I sat there all night until the kids got up for Saturday cartoons and I had them call their Aunt and Uncles for help.”

Me: “OH MY GOD PAT!!”

Pat: “So I went to the doctor and sure enough both elbows are broken and now I have a cast on both arms and really can’t do anything… so I guess I wont be in this week and maybe next too?  I’ll keep you updated. Call me if you need anything, my nephew will pick up, he’s been assigned the duty of holding the phone to my ear when people call.  Ok thanks and sorry for the hassle!”

I stared at my phone for a while and realized that my Monday was really not that bad.

Ok this isn't Pat... BUT COME ON THAT'S CUTE... sad... BUT CUTE!!

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My father and I aren’t allowed to play board games together.

Posted on June 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

My father and I love games, especially the awesomely fantastically wonderful board game Cranium.  This game has everything! Sculpting, Word Jumbles, Spelling, Trivia, and Charades.

Why yes, that is angels you hear singing.

However after the Christmas 2007 incident, my dad and I are no longer allowed to play it or any other game together… really.

It all started fairly normal. Dad and I were on the same team as no one wanted to be subjected to our hardcore gaming awesomeness.

Dad: Ok if we get the charades card you will blink once if I’m close to guessing it, but blink twice if I’m far off.

Me: Got it and this isn’t cheating at all because we’re still not talking.

Dad: Exactly.

So I rolled the dice and got charades, we both smiled knowling at each other. I read the card, Emelia Earhart.

I stood up and held out 2 fingers.

Dad: TWO WORDS!!

I blinked once.

I began my piloting an airplane simulation.

Dad: DRIVING, DALE EARNHARDT!!!

I blinked twice.

I attempted this again but making a more emphasis on the old school throttle action of flying.

Dad: JACKING OFF!! BILL CLINTON!!

I just stared at my father, while my hubby and mother roared from the other side of the table, and then finally managed to blink twice.

I changed tactics, I outstretched my arms and began running around the living room.

Dad: BIRD, PLANE, SUPERMAN!!

Shit, I blinked once and then winked, he had got part of it right.

I flapped my arms so he would understand they were out like a plane, not front like superman.

Dad: BIRD, BIRD, FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS!!

I blinked twice and then did it again for good measure. God Damn Birds!

Ok screw the plane impersonation that wasn’t working.  I decided I would attempt to sound out the Earhart part for him and held out 2 fingers.

Dad: TWO WORDS!

I blinked once.

I pointed to the second finger.

Dad: SECOND WORD!!

Hubby: Or she’s giving you the finger.

I blinked once, Dad looked hurt.  I ran over to Hubby blinked twice at him smacked him upside the head and ran back to dad pointing at him and blinking once.

Hubby: What the hell was that?

Dad: SSSHHHHHHH!!

I took a big sniff of air, pointing at my nose and the air I was breathing in.

Dad: NOSE, EAGLE BEAK!

DUDE and Ouch, I mean my nose isn’t perfect but beak?! Really?? And again, what the hell was with him going to birds!

I blinked twice, and added a stink eye for good measure. Ok screw air, let’s go for the heart part. I slapped my hand over my heart.

Dad: BOOB, CHICKEN BREAST!!

What the F…

Mom: TIME!

Me: What the hell dad, I mean what the HELL!?

Dad: WHAT!?! You were giving me NOTHING!

Me: Nothing!?? I was handing it to you and what the hell was with the birds? I blinked twice to birds yet you were turretsing birds at me and don’t even get me started on Clinton!!

Dad: NO YOU DIDN’T!! You blinked once and winked, What the HELL was with the wink, we didn’t agree on winking!! No one could have got what you were doing!!

Mom: … um was it Amelia Earhart… and is blinking even allowed?

I blinked once at dad with a smug smile.

Dad: Oh well of course your mother would have gotten what you were doing; it takes one to know one.

Me & Mom: WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Hubby: Hey why don’t we just call it a do over?

Me & Dad: WE DON’T NEED YOUR GAMING CHARITY!!!

Me: HEY! DON’T YELL AT MY HUBBY!!

After that there may have been some game piece throwing on my part, which was returned with clay being lobed at me on dad’s side.  But before blood could be drawn Mom and Hubby sent us to separate corners and Cranium was put in the trash. 

I miss that game, stupid birds.

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Please ask your child/dwarf to stop molesting me

Posted on June 24, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

In my rush to be the first to comment I did not spellcheck… it’s ok… still funny!

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Why Does the Devil Hate Us??

Posted on June 24, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Wrap up to yesterday’s email post, just incase you were worried I truly was walking around with a dead dude’s cornea.

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: Friday
Date: Fri, 2 May 2008

So how did the golfing go yesterday??

Hubby and I had an interesting evening, around 9pm Hubby’s brother called him to see if his flight was on time. Hubby’s reply was “I don’t know, I don’t leave until tomorrow at 9:40pm.” WRONG he was supposed to be leaving that night at 9:40pm!! So we raced to the airport but missed last boarding by 8 minutes!! Thank god there was another flight leaving this morning at 6:30am and they moved him to it no charge. It all turned out for the best as I only think he had time to pack some socks and a tooth-brush in the mad rush to get out of the house.

I had my second eye exam and my doctor says my eye is healing but I have another week to go with the drops. But at least I don’t need to get a dead person’s cornea put on my eye. See I’m totally glass is half full girl!

From: Ang
To: Mona
Subject: RE: Friday
Date: Fri, 2 May 2008

Ummm, so I got up this morning and my car was gone. Just gone. I called the police because I thought it had been stolen. Apparently, I parked my car and the tire crossed over into a fire lane. I was in that spot directly above the Jacuzzi, It really pissed me off because I have a theory about why it was towed and who called them. Remind me to tell you tonight or something. And with all the craziness I didn’t get to go golfing!

So Hubby’s gone? Are you ok? I know how much I hate when John is not there. Although he only went on vacation once since we have been together and it was like weeks after got together so I wasn’t quite a total mess yet.

Quick question – is there a limit as to how many people I can bring to your “I’m All Alone! Help Me Forget By Drinking!” party tomorrow at your house? Because I told you one but I have like 3 or 4 friends that would love to go.

Let me know, Ang

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: RE: RE: Friday
Date: Fri, 2 May 2008

TOWED!!???? NO GOLFING!!??? Wow both our days sucked.

I bet you think it’s that freaky lady in 4C, I totally believe she’s the devil or a vampire… or both.  Seriously I don’t know why she hates us! I’m pretty sure it wasn’t her flower bed I hurled in last Saturday and you’ve only stole her newspaper once or maybe twice. But we always say hi when we see her and are totally conscious of the quite hours, most the time.  We’re like the perfect neighbors! I look forward to hearing your theory tonight.

Feel free to invite as many people as you like, all are welcome with booze!

P.S. Do you think I should change the name of the party… it sounds sad and a little pathetic.

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Oh what a pretty color… I’ll take that guys eye!

Posted on June 23, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Found this old string of emails and thought it was hilarious, yet a little sad… I’m not really that bright.

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

I have a freaking ulcer on my eye!!!! DUDE!!!!
Let me backtrack, my eye was still red this morning from when I accidently jabbed it with a q-tip yesterday… don’t ask So I went to an eye doctor and he said I had an ULCER… on my eye… DUDE!!! He said it could have happened because my eye got infected after I scratched it yesterday but he said he’s never seen one develop that quickly so I may have had it before the scratch and it just got irriated by the scratch… DUDE!!

So I’m on these eye drops I have to take every hour which SHOULD clear it up in 2 to 3 days.  I have a follow up appointment on Friday… DUDE!!! I’m slightly freaking out. 

From: Ang
To: Mona
Subject: RE: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

What the crazy? How do you get an Ulcer in your eye? I mean, doesn’t that mean like a hole or something? Well, don’t freak out though because if the doctor said it should be cleared up in a couple days it doesn’t sound fatal or anything. But seriously – I have never heard of anything like that. Did he say it could be contagious?

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: RE: RE: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

Nice Ang “is it contagious”, it’s not pink eye it’s a freaking ULCER. I don’t know what it looks like, he could only find it after he put the dye on my eye and looked through the big eye doctor thingy. I guess it occurs when you hurt you eye and bacteria gets involved. The drops I’m on are some kind of antibacteria kick ass stuff… seriously the instructions say this stuff will kick any bacteria’s ass.

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: RE: RE: RE: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

OK I’ve done some research and a cornea ulcer is an open wound on the cornea which occurs when a scratch becomes infected. If the prescription drops do not clear up the ulcer then I’ll need an emergency cornea transplant, Hubby says that means I’ll have a dead guys cornea in my eye… DUDE!

From: Ang
To: Mona
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

Ok, now you are just working yourself up. One thing I can say from personal experience is when you have a medical question that you are concerned about – stay off the Internet! Not only did I recently have to go to the ER because the Internet said my blots were reforming, but one time I would have put money on the fact that I was having heart failure because I had tingling in my fingers and numbness in my left arm and shortness of breath. It turned out that when I fell snowboarding, I hit a nerve that cleared up in a few days and the shortness of breath was me panicking.

Do you remember that guy Jake that was over on Easter (I think it was Easter)? Anyway, he was good-looking, I think the one there without a sig other? Anyway, last year he had to have an emergency cornea transplant and there were freaking stitches on his eyeball. Talk about freaky. Ok, I am not helping am I?

As far as Senior for drinks tonight – John and I were talking and we made a vow not to go out to eat or spend money until we go on vacation, because this trip is costing us quite a bit between flight, rental car for 9 days and the hotel room on the beach. So I was thinking instead of going out – if you want to instead we could BBQ some chicken tonight because I have all of that. I also have a fresh bag of salad and some veggies and potatoes and even chips and salsa. So you guys down for BBQ instead….??

From: Mona
To: Ang
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: An ULCER!!!!
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2008

OK stitch thing totally freaking me out but going to stick to your original advise and not think of internet search, the doctor seemed positive so I’ll be positive too!
But IF I do need the dead dudes cornea I’m going to request a blue one as I’ve always wanted to have 2 different eye colors….. Never mind, Hubby’s reading over my shoulder and telling me that the cornea is the clear part and not the actual eye color part. DUDE!!! He just said some other stuff too, but now he’s just being mean so I’m ignoring him. I mean seriously did you know the cornea was not the colored part? We’ll talk tonight. 
LOVE the BBQ idea. Hubby and I had been talking about how we shouldn’t waste money on eating out so much but I wasn’t sure if that included Senior. You seem to have it all but I’ll bring over a couple bottles of wine.  See you then!!

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Dear Mom: I’m an addict… who knew?!?

Posted on June 23, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

So my mother is a HUGE fan of my writing and has requested that I start posting some of the emails that I’ve sent her from times long ago. Since I love my fans (and my mother) here we go.

 Date: 8/11/2008

Subject: Dear Mom: I’m an addict… who knew?

 I am ADDICTED to the Olympics!! This is odd, because I’ve never really been an Olympic follower.  I may watch the opening ceremony, if there’s nothing else on, or possibly catch a little of the gymnastics (love seeing those tiny girls flipping through the air). But that all changed Friday night! I know China is a no no when it comes to people rights, pollution, quality of living, Tibet etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah… but DAMN can they produce an opening ceremony. I mean DAMN, that thing was pretty DAMN amazing! I don’t know if you guys watched it… probably not… but DAMN!!!

When I flicked to it Friday night I had no real intention of staying and watching but it was crazy! The shear amount of people that were in it, plus the coordination of all those people and the music and the costumes and the lights and the amazingly huge TV screen laying ON THE FIELD!  Seriously I couldn’t have changed the channel if I had wanted to.

There was this one part were these boxes were raised from the floor like probably a hundred and they started raising and lowering in time to the music. The boxes worked together to spell out stuff and did the wave in this really artistic way and I’m yelling at Hubby, “HOW THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THAT?” and Hubby rolls his eyes and says how it’s all computers and starts going into detail about the software they probably used and how the computers were set up. So I’m beginning to lose the wonder of how cool it was until at the end when the music stopped and the top of the boxes flipped open and like a HUNDRED little dudes popped out of the top of the boxes! It was all human powered. I was screaming and jumping up and down Hubby was just dumbstruck… It was great!!!!

Then all the nations walked in which is always fun. Especially when it’s this tiny country you’ve never heard of with one guy walking who’s waving his arms off and jumping up and down.  He probably has NO chance of winning in his category, but he’s just totally totally stoked to be there.

Although I have to admit China stole the whole walking thing. They had Yao walking in front of the China teams holding their flag (he’s this 7′ 5″ basketball player) and next to him is this tiny 9 year old kid waving this tiny Chinese flag, which is cute, BUT then the announcer tells the story of how this kid was in the earthquake that hit China a couple months ago and how he was able to crawl out from the wreckage of his school and then go back in for 2 of his classmates and when asked why he went back he said he had to because he was the hall monitor and it was his job… STICK A FORK IN ME I AM DONE, I was bawling!

So after all that I can’t just stop cold turkey! I need another hit, so I watch the swimming on Saturday, then the basketball on Sunday and now synchronized swimming tonight… GO USA!

Well actually I root for whoever has the best sappy story, you know the guy who was an Olympic hopeful until he got in a terrible accident where it looked like he’d never walk again but then with the support of his dog Spot he recovered and began running again making it to the Olympics but tragically right before he left for China Spot was hit by a car! So know he’s running in Spot’s memory. I don’t care where the hell that guy’s from I’m rooting for him!

HUGS & KISSES Mona 🙂

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Dude, I mean… Dude.

Posted on June 22, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby: So I read your blog.

Me: You did!?! EEEYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!  SO!? Whatchya think?

Hubby: You say Dude way too much.

Me: DUDE! Crap.

Hubby: SEE! You need to seriously lay of the Dude’s, you use it for everything.

Me: But, but, it works for everything!

Hubby: How can that one word work for everything?

Me: It’s all about how you say the dude, I’ll give you examples:
(examples)
…dude… : I’m so so very sorry
DUDE!: I’m with you and completely outraged
Duuuude: You are silly and fun and I like you
Dude!: Ok you just totally crossed the line
Dude… *sigh*: I love you and am currently imagining you naked
Dude?: Are you aware that’s not a woman

Me: SEE!?! It covers everything.

Hubby: … wow… ok first off that only maybe makes sense, and I really emphasise maybe, if you’re talking to the person.  You’re blogging, they can’t hear you.

Me: Oh they know honey, they know.  In fact some of my readers are Duders just like me! And other Duders can totally tell what kind of Dude a Duder is saying when they read Dude! 

Hubby: … um… ok…

Me: So is that all you got out of my blog, I Dude too much?!

Hubby: Well I do have one question about it.

Me: Sweet, shoot.

Hubby: What’s Butt Hats for Another Blog mean?

Me: DUDE!!!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Once Again IM Screws Me!!

Posted on June 21, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Posted in Facebook/IM Dialogue, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments