SOME BASTARD STOLE MY FOG LIGHT GRILLE COVERS!
So what you say? Why the fuss? No big deal.
IT IS A FREAKING BIG DEAL!! And I believe that where ever that BASTARD is he has NO idea how much he’s FRACKED with my life BECAUSE OF IT!!
Easy Mona, easy… take a breath… count to three… ok.
IF THERE IS ANY JUSTICE IN THIS FREAKING WORLD!! I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE THERE WHEN THAT BASTARD IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE PEARLY GATES ON HIS JUDGEMENT DAY!!!
Not so fast.
Here’s how it will play out:
Bastard: *gulp* gosh God, I’ll admit I haven’t lived the straightest life but I hope I make it in to heaven.
God: Well, let’s see… ah yes I believe there is someone here who can shed some light on your past deeds.
Me: Hello Bastard.
Bastard: … I’m sorry I don’t recognize you.
Me: No? Oh well maybe try imagining me as a 2003 Black Audi, how about now? Ringing any bells? Now try imagining me missing my front fog light grille covers. HOW ABOUT NOW?? RECOGNIZE ME NOW!!???
Bastard: oh… oh ya sorry about that, but stealing some grille covers that’s not so bad, right God? I mean that doesn’t send you to hell?!
God: Well I…
Me: WAIT! I’m not done.
God: Ah… please continue.
Me: Thank you God. Do you know how much it cost to replace those covers? $210!! The left one is $85 and for some unknown freaking reason the right one is $125. Why is the right one more expensive?! They are the exact same cover!! God when that Audi dealership owner comes here I’d like you to ask him that question and if he doesn’t give a good answer, I mean a REALLY good answer, Don’t Let Him In!
God: Done.
Bastard: um I’m really sorry about that, can I write you a check?
Me: Oh I’m not done. So as I’m considering what to do, my check engine light goes on… and ya know what the problem is? One of my front air sensory thingies has blown on my engine and guess what caused it? SOME ONE FUCKING WITH THE FRONT OF MY CAR WHILE RIPPING OUT MY COVERS!!! … oops sorry about the swearing God.
God: Quite alright, please continue.
Me: Thank you; you really are a very forgiving man.
God: Well I try.
Me: So I go back to the Audi dealership and it will cost me $260 for the part and $680 for the service….$940 total plus the $210 for the covers, that’s $1,150 to fix what YOU’VE DONE!!
Bastard: oh… well I’ve only got about $950 in the bank… but how do you like this watch? It’s nice right!? I’m pretty sure it’s real, the guy I stole it from looked well off. That should cover the rest right? So we’re good right?
Me:… I’m… not… done… SO Hubby and I decide that we’re going to try to fix the sensory thing ourselves and we find the part at Napa for $120. See God, again Audi dude overcharged for parts by double!!
God: Ya, that’s not cool.
Me: Now the only problem is we’re supposed to leave for a car trip to see my family the next day for the 4th of July weekend, plus it’s my mom’s birthday, PLUS my niece and nephew will be there and I haven’t seen them since Christmas!! Poor Hubby is pretty certain he can fix it by then… but guess what? It ends up taking a day and a half for us to fix it since this part is absolutely impossible to reach and EVERYTHING has to be taken out of the engine to get to it!!! SO I MISS EVERYTHING!! Seeing my parents, celebrating my mother’s birthday, and seeing my niece and nephew!!
God: aawww that’s too bad.
Me: Thank you God, yes it was too bad and I’m still a little upset about it.
God: Well I can see why, I mean you haven’t seen your niece and nephew for almost 6 months and your mother’s birthday! Well that’s just harsh.
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Bastard: But, but all that stuffs not my fault!! I only took a couple grilles!! You can’t blame me for ALL of that!!
God: I don’t know, your actions did start it. I’ll leave it up to you Mona. Here’s the lever, push it forward and he goes to heaven, pull it back and he … well he doesn’t.
Bastard: AH COME ON!! IT WAS JUST SOME GRILLES!!!
Me: Well I don’t know God… I mean I’m pretty pissed and he did make me miss my mother’s birthday… but isn’t one of your rules about vengeance being a bad thing? I wouldn’t want to do anything to get on your bad side.
God: Well as far as sins go, I’m pretty loosey goosey on that one.
Me: Oh Ok! Bye Bye Bastard!
Bastard: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: Huh, I thought doing that would make me feel better.
God: And?
Me:… IT TOTALLY DID!!! Well thanks God see ya later.
God: Ya in about 2 weeks.
Me: OH MY YOU!! Do I die in 2 weeks?!?
God: No your neighbor with the booming base does, I thought you might want to be here to say a few words.
Me: Sweet.
But That's For Another Blog 
How Jazz Hands Won Us The Game!
Now it was all very exciting and I could give you an excruciating detailed description of all the amazing plays that caused this to happen, including my pop fly catch that did NOT give me a black eye… this time.
But instead I’m just going to replay one main event that happened, because it was so horrifying and beautiful at the same time it must be shared with the world.
It was our final turn hitting, we had 2 outs and the game was tied 8-8. A line drive was hit down the center. John, who had been on first, booked it for second base; I mean really booked it, almost flying.
He makes it to second, but the speed he was going sent him flying past the base and out towards center field, momentum’s a bitch. In the dugout we’re screaming at him to get back to second. He finally manages to stop, turn around, and run back to second where the second base girl is holding the ball causing him to stop just out of her arms reach.
This is the following commentary from the dugout as we watched the awesome/awful craziness that proceeded.
“oh crap on a stick, he’s out!”
“no no he’s not, she has to tag him!”
“what’s he doing?”
“… is that jazz hands?”
“um ya, he is definitely doing jazz hands”
“how many beers has he had?”
“she is totally confused”
“wouldn’t you be?”
“Oh my god what’s he doing now?”
“It’s kind of a mix between a trained monkey jig and a dancing circus bear”
“with jazz hands”
(Suddenly John falls to his knees and dives between second base girl’s legs slapping his hand on the base while she plants her glove on his butt.)
“Ha, good try! Ok everyone grab your mitts, let’s try to hold the tie.”
“Wait something’s going on.”
“um you guys, what’s the ref doing?”
“his arms are out”
“HOLY SHIT HIS ARMS ARE OUT!”
“I don’t know what that means”
“SAFE!!”
“you are shitting me”
“unfreaking believable”
“ya all realize John just went from being shamed for eternity with the name Jazz Hands John to becoming MVP?”
“does anyone else find him strangely attractive right now?”
…
“sssoooooo just me then”