OH THAT BURNS ME!

I’m 34 and Irish. 

You would think that with 34 years of experience being a fair-skinned, freckled Irish gal, I would know that the Sun is not my friend… in fact it hates my fucking guts. 

I forgot…

I got burned…

It’s not pretty…

And now EVERY person in my office has to tell me this.

Guy in Elevator: WHOA! Look at you! Get some sun?
Me: No… Why? Oh My God, I’m Red All Over! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!?

Receptionist: Did you get burned!?
Me: Not as much as you do on a regular basis… OOHHH BURN!

Manager: Ever heard of sunscreen?
Me: Ever heard of breath fresheners?

Creepy Janitor: Are you sunburned everywhere?
Me: Hey! The restraining order says 50 feet, move it back buddy!
 

Chipper Cubical Neighbor: Oh my gosh! You’re sunburned! Does it hurt?
Me: …

I decided right then and there that if one more person walked up to me and said the word ‘Sunburn’ I would kill myself.  And that’s when Tif walked up…

Tif: Way to go Dumb Ass.
Me: Oh God Thank You!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

So aparantly all dog owners are psychopaths

I learn the most interesting things while Hubby and I are just driving around.

Me: Why can’t I have a dog?

Hubby: We live in a one bedroom apartment.

Me: So we’ll get a small…

Hubby: I will NEVER own a purse dog.

Me: a what?

Hubby: A purse dog, a dog that’s so small it can be carried around in a purse.  I’m not that guy.

Me: Fine, we’ll move to a bigger place and then I can have a dog.

Hubby: Have you forgotten about CIA Cat?  She will never allow us to have a dog.  She will destroy any dog we bring home, it won’t have a chance.

Me: If we get a puppy maybe they’ll have a chance to bond and become friends.

Hubby: HA! That’s cute.  Babe seriously you don’t want a dog, only psychopaths own dogs.

Me:  … really?

Hubby: I watched this interview with a psychology specialist who was describing different signs of a psychopath and owning a dog was on  top of the list.

Me: … really?

Hubby: No, I’m serious he wrote a book about this and everything.

Me: What show was he giving this interview on?

Hubby: … Conan.

Me: HA!

Hubby: Shut up! He was a legit doctor.

Me: No, I believe you honey. AAAAHHHH!!! Look out old psychopath dude on the right walking his dog.  AAAHHHH!!!  Little girl psychopath to the left with her puppy.  OH MY GOD! A whole park of psychopaths! Hit the gas Hubby, we’re all gonna die!!

Hubby: That’s a dog park.

Me: I know and right next to a pre-school those sick city zoning bastards!

Hubby: Well now we’re never getting a dog, I hope it was worth it.

Me: It kinda was. 

Posted in CIA Cat, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

It’s Her Own Fault For Asking Me

To: Mona
From: Sarah
Subject: Tasha’s Bachelorette Shin Dig…
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:18:30

Hi Sweety,
So I was taking to Rod and he said that Tasha’s bachelorette party is only her and two friends..??? I think we should do a BIG shabang… Thoughts?

To: Sarah
From: Mona
Subject: Re: Tasha’s bachelorette Shin Dig…
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:25:12

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

heee heee heee okay heee hee hee calming down hee hee deep breaths.

I would LOVE to help plan a party.  Couple questions:
When is it supposed to be?
Can we have a theme?
Should we travel or stay here?
Would every one be cool with chipping in for a limo?
Do they rent pink limos?
Should we get her a crown?
Can I wear a tiara?
How do you feel about petty larceny scavenger hunts?
Is anyone allergic to petroleum jelly?
Where can we buy flavored condoms in bulk?
What’s the fire departments fastest response time?
Where can I rent a donkey?
Is anyone buddies with a professional tattoo artist?

heeee heeee heee… sorry getting worked up again.

Get back to me with details… and contact numbers for the donkey.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Curse You The Band Perry!!

It’s sad how it only takes 3 minutes to turn me from a happy normal woman to a complete emotional clusterfuck.

Started with me happily sitting at work, typing away at my laptop, listening to my radio when ‘If I Die Young’ by The Band Perry comes on.  I hum along with the song, but then start thinking about what would happen if I did die young. 

Hubby would be destroyed, mom and dad would be inconsolable, CIA Cat would show her normal indifference but maybe miss the routine litter box cleanings, you know Hubby wont take up that job.

Who would come to the funeral? Family and Friends, My wine club, Kickball team, Co-worker, Old college and highschool friends.  Wow the church is getting pretty packed. That’s really nice that they would all come for me.

Ofcourse there will be music playing and maybe even a photo slide show of me with loved ones laughing and full of life. *sniff* Maybe even some home videos.  Cheerleading in highschool, silly and young jumping up and down.  Hubby and I getting married, beaming at the camera so excited for our future together *whimper*. Me and my niece and nephew jumping on the trampoline laughing and waving, *sniff* they’re really gonna miss me.

Then it will be time for the eulogy.  People will come up to tell stories of their favorite Mona moments in their life. Hubby will attempt to put into words how amazing I was and how completely ruined his life is and now that I’m gone there’s no reason for him to go on.  He wont be able to finish as he’ll crumple to the ground, having to be carried away, immediately put on suicide watch…

OH GOD! POOR HUBBY! *SOB* THIS IS AWFUL! WHY LORD? I WAS SO YOUNG! *WAIL* I HAD SO MUCH MORE I WANTED TO DO!

Tif: um… mona you ok?

Me: *SOB* *sniff* *sniff* ya sorry, just thinking about my funeral.

Tif: … okay then…

DAMN YOU THE BAND PERRY!!!

Posted in CIA Cat, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Dude, Don’t Be a Catsist

Posted in Facebook/IM Dialogue, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The aaaawwwwwww Story, also known as, HOLY SH*T I’M GONNA DIE Story

Not my truck.. but could have been!

I can’t believe I haven’t told the aaaaawwwwww story yet.  It’s called the aaaawwwwww story because that’s the noise girls usually make after I tell them the story.  I personally think of it by the other name, HOLY SH*T I’M GONNA DIE, because in the story that was pretty much the main thought going through my head.

Ok let me set it up for you.  It was February, Hubby and I had been married almost a year and were moving from Washington to California.  We had sold my little Subaru ‘Oliver’, I miss you Oliver!  Packed up a U-Haul and took off on the I-5.  Hubby was in charge of driving the U-Haul with all our worldly possessions and I followed in our truck with CIA Cat. 

We hit the Oregon pass around 7am and it was foggy, like really foggy, like can’t see 10 feet in front of you foggy.  But luckily there weren’t really any other cars on the Interstate.  I could just about make out the back of the U-Haul when suddenly my truck slid over 2 lanes “What the Fu..!?” and then the truck slid back to the original lane.  Oh Shit, I knew what was happening.  I had been told the horrifying stories by others who had experienced this… BLACK ICE.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced Black Ice, but let me just say, it sucks.  You can’t see it, it’s slippery as hell, and all it wants to do is hurt you.  But I had been raised in the Northwest, so I knew what to do.  I just needed to get off the ice WITHOUT touching my brakes.  Once you touch your brakes on Black Ice you’re fucked, royally.  So I saw an off-ramp coming up and carefully steered the truck towards it.  But as it got closer I realized I was going too fast for the turn right after the ramp… s0… I tapped the brake.  I KNOW, stupid!  But I was freaked and obviously fear had replaced common sense.  So now my truck is donuting down the I-5. 

It’s at this time that Hubby looks in his side mirror and sees the truck spinning uncontrollably and disappearing into the fog.  Hubby hits the brakes and luckily he was either not on Black Ice or too weighed down but the U-Haul was able to gradually comes to a stop on the side of the road.  He jumped out of the truck and sprinted back up the Interstate toward me, leaving the U-Haul door wide open with the keys in the ignition.

Ok, so back to me doing pirouettes down the I-5.  I attempted to steer myself out of the spin to no avail.  I then realized that the truck was heading towards the shoulder.  Good, I thought, I’ll finally stop and then just drive on the shoulder to catch up with Hubby.  Sadly I had forgotten that while spinning I hadn’t slowed down from my original speed of 65 and once I hit the dirt sideways the truck, containing me and CIA Cat, was airborne.

There are two things I remember in that moment.  I remember putting my hands on the ceiling thinking “Shit, we just got our tires realigned and I’m pretty sure I’m about to fuck it up” AND “huh look at that CIA Cat is flying and she does not look happy about it”.

The truck landed hard and the momentum continued to carry it over sideways, but before it started its inevitable rolling something miraculous happened… it stopped.  It teetered on two wheels for what felt like forever and then slowly fell back down on all four.  I sat there in shock. 

After some hard breathing I turned the ignition and the truck started up.  I carefully put it in gear and began slowly driving down the side of the road.  Everything was ok, no clunky noises from a screwed suspension, no thump thump of flat tires.  I was totally in shock, then I saw a man running down the opposite side of the road.  I remember thinking “I don’t think you’re allowed to jog on the I-5”.  He then started waving his arms at me, so I waved back at him.  He was yelling something, so I rolled down my window.

Hubby: BABE!! STOP!!

Me: Hubby? Why are you jogging on the I-5?

Hubby: WHAT?! 

Me: Why are you..

Hubby: I HEARD YOU! STOP THE TRUCK, I’M COMING OVER.

Only he couldn’t, there was so much Black Ice on the road that he couldn’t keep his footing to come across.  So he did what I like to think any other hubby would do; when they thought they were going to find their wife dead in a crumpled heap of a truck, but then found out she wasn’t dead but alive and fine, only now they were separated by an interstate of ice… he got down on his hands and knees and crawled across the I-5 to get to me, nearly getting taken out by a red Honda Accord sliding by sideways.

Me: You almost got it by a car!

Hubby: Babe, are you okay?

It was those words that most have broken through my haze of shock, because suddenly everything that had happened came crashing down on me and I started crying.  I mean really crying, hysterical can’t breathe crying, and I wasn’t the only one affected by Hubby’s voice.  CIA Cat popped her head out from beneath the passenger side seat, her hiding spot after the unexpected flying experience, and began screeching at him.

Hubby opened the door, pushed me over, patted CIA Cat’s head and slowly drove us to the U-Haul truck ,which thank the lord no one had stolen while he was on his jog.

So there you go, my aaaawwwwwww – HOLY SHIT story.

Posted in CIA Cat, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Ten things I know that you may not.

1. Eigh pints of Guinness will leave you legally blind for the night. Please only test this if you have a trustworthy friend that will stay with you during the entire night and not leave cause they think you’re joking… KAMI!!

2.  Eating asparagus makes your pee smell like asparagus. Ok you probably think you already knew this one, BUT did you know if you take one bite of asparagus and then go pee it still smells like it. How is that possible?! One bite and it hasn’t even gone through your system yet!? I was blown away. Side lesson learned, don’t ask the person in the stall next to you to smell it.

3. When you throw up ice cream, it’s still cold and comes up like a milkshake.  It’s gross, yet kinda cool, yet gross, yet…

Yes that's CIA Cat and Yes it's a trap.

4.  No matter how sweet you think your cat is never EVER pet an exposed belly.  Even if she’s purring and meowing at you to rub it, Don’t Do It! IT’S A TRAP!!

5. Patron Silver Tequila will never give you a hangover!  It’s true, this has been seriously tested.  I’ve gotten hangovers on ever drink known to man BUT Patron Silver Tequila… it’s a miracle elixir.

6. The Lemonade Diet totally works, it will also totally put you in the worst mood of your entire life and you will kill a family member before you reach your desired weight goal.  But positive side, you will look great! Negative side, you’re prison mate Big Bertha will think so too.

7. European tire jacks are not like US tire jacks.  Learn this before you have a blown tire in Ireland on a road that’s not on the map your best friend/navigator/evil nemesis told you to go on, while you’re suffering from an 8 pint guinness hangover… KAMI!

8. A black eye that bleeds will heal faster than one that doesn’t.

9.  Three cups of coffee in an hour, while fun, will clean your system out so be close to a bathroom and for the love of god not in a meeting…  so learned the hard way.

10.  … ok so I ran out of things I know that you may not so I IM’d Tif for one and this is what she sent me.  “Eric Stoltz was originally cast to play Marty McFly in Back to the Future but he wasn’t funny enough so it was given to Micheal J. Fox.”   
     =         ?

Posted in CIA Cat, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Why I will NEVER own a fish again… Part 3

Tif: I’m getting an extra caramel, extra whip caramel frapaccino, you?

Me: *sigh* nonfat, sugar-free, no whip iced caramel latte.

Tif: Your drink makes me sad.

Me: Me too.  So number 5 reason why I shouldn’t own a fish again… are you ready for this?

Tif: Probably not but lay it on me.

Me: Ok, so it had been a couple of years since Fishy’s traumatic first year and things were good.  Although he had lost vision in his only eye. So when it was feeding time I would have to tap the water until he came up and then push the food into his mouth.

Tif: Oh that’s so sad.

Me: I think he liked it.  It was always sad watching him try to find his food with only one good eye, so this way was a lot easier for him.  But I was leaving over Christmas break and felt he was getting too old to make the trip so my roommate agreed to watch him.

Tif: oh Fishy, does he make it through the holidays?

Me: Barely, I got back from vacation and this was the conversation I had with my roommate.

Roommate: Your fish is the devil!

Me: Fishy?

Roommate: So you were only gone a day when I come in your room to feed him and he’s floating belly up.

Me: FISHY!

Roommate: Chill he’s fine, but that’s what I screamed when I saw him too.  So I’m freaking cause you’ve had him for like ever!

Me: 3 years, but ya I can see where you were going with that.

Roommate: Right, so I freaked and thought maybe I could just buy you a replacement fish and you would never have to know.

Me: A replacement fish, who’s blind and has one eye.

Roommate: Like I said freaked and not thinking.  So I go to pick Fishy up to… well… to flush him.

Me: DUDE!

Roommate: I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD! Only the minute I touched him he flipped over and swam there with his mouth open.

Me: … oh ya… sometimes when he sleeps he kinda gets turned around.  When you touched him he thought it was food time.

Roommate: Oh really? That’s so interesting and possibly something you could have told me BEFORE YOU LEFT!

Me: Geez sorry I forgot he’s just been doing it recently. Plus I didn’t know you would be so flush happy!!

Roommate: Never ask me to watch you fish again!

Me: Oh um ya, That’s a given!!

Tif: Well that’s not too bad, I mean close call but it ended okay.

Me:… ya… but like a week later I woke up to find Fishy doing the belly up thing again.  So I crammed some food in his mouth and ran to class.  Only when I came back later he was in the same position with the food hanging out of his mouth.

Tif: ooohhh Fishy.

Me: But I couldn’t be sure.  Maybe he was just sleeping really hard.

Tif: ooohhh Mona.

Me: So I just kept kinda force feeding him.

Tif: For how long.

Me: I’d rather not say.  But I finally accepted that he had died and… flushed.

Tif: I don’t want you to get another fish… ever.

Me: Me neither… But maybe…

Tif: NO!!

Me: ok

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Why I will NEVER own a fish again… Part 2

Tif: That’s gross.

Me: It’s cottage cheese.

Tif: Oh no, I didn’t ask what it is, I know what it is, I was just making a statement that it’s gross.

Me: Sorry, but if I don’t start watching what I eat I’m gonna have planets rotating around the polarity of my ass.

Tif: Ok, so when we left off Fishy’s eye had popped and then he ate it.  Which probably tasted like what you’re eating right now.

Me: Wow, thanks for that.  So, other then the bumping into things, Fishy did fine the rest of the summer until I had to go back to college.  It was a 9 hour car ride and I didn’t want him to tip over, so I crammed boxes all around his bowl so he was nice and stuck in there.  Only he was so covered I couldn’t see him, but I wasn’t worried as he would definitely not tip and that was my biggest concern.

Tif: Oh god, I’m not sure what to expect but I know it will be awful.

Me: It wasn’t awful… just weird.  So I arrived at Hubby’s house, who was then Soon To Be Hubby as we were still dating. I was gonna stay the night there and then finish the final 2 hour drive to college.  So I dug Fishy out so he could hang with us in the house and that’s when I saw him for the first time.

Tif: His other eye had popped.

Me: no… I guess the shock of the long drive in complete darkness was a little much for him cause he’d turned white.

Tif: what?

Me: Ya, like completely white.

Tif: You are making this up.

Me: No! It’s true I thought it was the shock, but later I learned it was because he was oxygen deprived. I guess I’d packed him too good.  So I put him by the window at Hubby’s and checked on him the next day, he looked better but was still kinda white.  I decided to leave him there, as he wasn’t ready for another car trip, and get him the following week.

Tif: Wow, this poor fish. Was he better when you went back down the next week.

Me: Ya, well here’s the thing… I got really busy at school, Really Busy.  And I had to put off getting him a couple more weeks.

Tif: Oh God! Did Hubby not feed him?

Me: No he did, he totally did. But he also moved to a new house and he didn’t want to move Fishy until the very last load… only he kinda forgot. 

Tif: Fishy!

Me: Ya, he quickly remembered when I showed up on his doorstep.  So we went to his old house and lucky the girl who moved in had been taking care of Fishy, so all was good.

Tif: Yay.

Me: Until the car ride back up to college.

Tif: oh geez.

Me: Well I didn’t want to pack him in like I did last time so I just put him on the passenger side floor with some shoes stacked around him.  And we were doing good until I stopped too quick at a stop light… and his bowl fell over.

Tif: Mona!

Me: God I know! I heard the glug glug glug of the water coming out and I had to grab it and he had only a tiny bit of water left, he was swimming sideways just to stay under!  So I sped to a 7-11 screaming the whole way, “Don’t go to the light Fishy! MOMMY WILL SAVE YOU!”.  So I run into the 7-11, with Fishy, grabbed a water, run to the cashier, buy the water, and I’m just about to dump it into Fishy’s bowl when the cashier grabbed my arm.

Tif: ASS!! WHY!?

Me: … actually it was a good thing, he pointed out I had got the water from the freezer and it wouldn’t be good for the fish to be submerged with ice-cold water…

Tif:… you are the worst pet owner ever.

Me: I was panicked!!  So I started pouring water into my hand and panting on it to heat it up.

Tif: …wow.

Me: I WAS PANICKED! So cashier dude pointed out they had a bathroom in the back with a sink I could use.  So I filled up Fishy’s bowl, thanked the cashier dude, went back to my car, shoved Fishy’s bowl between my thighs, and drove like that the rest of the way back to college.

Tif: How many is that?

Me: How many what?

Tif: Awful reasons why you shouldn’t own a fish.  

Me: Oh um, eye popping, oxygen deprived, left behind, fell over, so 4.

Tif: Okay, you said you have 5 reasons, so you have 1 more reason.

Me: Ya my Christmas vacation story.

Tif: Ok save that one for our Starbucks $2 run later today.

Me: mmmmm Starbucks, okay.

Tif: But I don’t think you can top that last one.

Me:… ya… sadly I can.

to be continued… again. 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Why I will NEVER own a fish again… Part 1

Tif: Mona, I found the most amazing thing in the company handbook!

Me: Why, for the love of all that is holey, would you read the company handbook?  Oh wait, I know. Trying to find a loop hole for the no flip-flop policy, aren’t ya?

Tif: I have some very nice flip-flops that go with everything. But forget that for now, I found a clause that says we can have a fish on our desk! You should totally get one.  I’m not a fan of the little wigglers, but you would look really funny with one.

Me: no

Tif: ah come on, why not!?

Me: I had a fish.

Tif: I didn’t know that, what happened to it?

Me: … I don’t want to talk about it.

Tif: OH THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD! Hold on let me refill my coffee and than you can tell me all about it.

Me: Dude, can’t somethings just not be told?

Tif: ha funny, ok go!

Me: *sigh* fine.
His name was Flipper, then Pretty, then Big Red, then Captain Marko, then Frankenstein, then just Fishy. I had a hard time sticking to just one name.

Tif: Totally understandable, go on.

Me: I got him my first year of college.  He was the prettiest little beta fish you ever saw, all red and purple. And the first year everything was fine, until I went home for the summer.  I noticed that one of his eyes was all swollen and kinda popping out.  So I called a vet and he said Fishy had ‘Beta Fish Swollen Eye’.

Tif: seriously?

Me: What?

Tif: Well nothing, but that kind of seems like a lame name for a disease.

Me: I thought it kind of described the issue pretty thoroughly. Why, what would you have called it?

Tif: I don’t know something latin like, Eyees Bulges Maximus.

Me: … So  it’s basically a bacterial infection.  I asked the doctor if I should bring Fishy in, and he asked if this was just a beta fish.  Well I didn’t really like the tone of that question but I said yes, and then he said aren’t they like $2 at the pet store.

Tif: DUDE!

Me: Right!?! Well I yelled “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR” and hung up. So I called a pet store after that and they recommended some water cleaner and antibacterial stuff that would totally do the trick.

Tif: Yay Fishy’s saved!

Me: Well.

Tif: Oh no, what?

Me: Well, I had to move him from his bowl to another while I cleaned it.  The first move went fine, but when I tried to move him back to his new clean bowl he kinda had a fit and… well… once I got him in there… I noticed… well…

Tif: Oh geez woman, WHAT!?

Me: His eye had popped.

Tif: excuse me

Me: Don’t look at me like that! He seriously freaked and must have banged it on something and well it popped.

Tif: Gross.

Not Fishy, but TOTALLY what it looked like!

Me: Ya it kinda was, it just hung there for a couple days and then it finally fell off… and he ate it.

Tif: GROSS.

Me: Ya, but he totally got better.  He just now only had one eye, which really screwed up his depth perception.  He ran into things a lot.

Tif: Ok so traumatic, I get it, but not really a good reason to not get another fish.

Me: Oh, I’m not done.

Tif: Ok, breaks almost over.  How many more reason’s do you have?

Me: Um about 5?

Tif: Wow and awesome, ok we’ll talk again at lunch.

Me: Great, can’t wait.

to be continued at lunch…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments