My Parents… Those Lying Bastards.

Posted on August 3, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Looking in the mirror today I realized two things:

1. I have a lot of freckles

2. My parents are lying bastards.

I remember being young and HATING my freckles.  But my parents told me not to worry because as I got older my freckles would fade and then disappear all together… LIARS!

Not only do I still have those damn spots, but I have more than when I was young!

What else have they lied to me about!? Lets take a tally.

 ~ Easter Bunny LIE
~ Santa Clause LIE
~ Tooth Fairy LIE
~ Spinach Makes You Strong LIE
(I’m looking at you too Popeye)
~ This will hurt me more than it hurts you… BIG LIE
~ If you tell us the truth you wont get in trouble LIE… EVERY TIME!
~ If you keep making that face it will stay that way forever… Pretty sure that was a LIE but was too scared to try it and find out.
~ If you swallow gum it will stay in your stomach forever LIE DAD!  First year High School Biology revealed your deception!
~ OH MY GOD! Spot didn’t go to a farm to live, did he? DID HE!?!

Good Lord! Was anything they told me the truth?… Wait a minute… are they really even my parents!?! I KNEW IT!  NEITHER OF THEM EVEN HAVE FRECKLES!!

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Don’t Think About It… DAMMIT!

Posted on August 2, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

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Don’t Point Those Things at Me

Posted on August 2, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

LADIES would you please have other ladies backs…well fronts actually… okay let me explain.

At work today Tif came by for our normal coffee run:

Tif: Starbucks?

Me: Hellz ya.

Tif: WOW!

Me: What?

Tif: Nothing, I just didn’t realize it was that cold in here.  Mind not pointing those things directly at me? They might go off.

Me: … wha… Holy Crap!

Tif: Right!?

Me: How long have they been like that? That’s freaking embarrassing.

Tif: … um you might want to stop doing that until we get in the elevator.

Me: I’m trying to warm them up.

Tif: ya, but that just looks worse.

Me: oh… right… CRAP, I was in a meeting like 10 minutes ago! Do you think they were doing that then?

Tif: Ha, I hope so.

Me: That pisses me off, it was all women, one of them could have given me a shout out.

Tif: Maybe there were just too intimidated by the torpedos.

Me: Oh shut up.

So ladies please, I beg you, if one of your own is walking around nipping out give the gal a shout out.

Don't be a bitch Hillary, give the poor girl a hand... no wait

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My New Necklace is Trying to Kill Me

Posted on August 1, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I LOVE accessories. You know the long-held fashion tip, before you walk out the door look in the mirror and take off one accessory? PPPPHHHHHTTTT!!! I say throw another on! The more the merrier! In fact the more you look like a gypsy the better!

I can still lift my hand... NEED MORE BRACELETS!

However, I kinda wish I had taken that fashion tip today and removed my new necklace… my evil new necklace. You’re probably asking the following questions;

Mona is the evil necklace not pretty?

No, no it’s very pretty, but it’s evil!

Mona is the evil necklace too heavy?

No, no it’s very light, but it’s Evil!

Mona are you just bitching to bitch?

… DUDE! no and IT’S EVIL!

The reason it’s evil is because it’s trying to kill me! It’s only noon and it has made 3 attempts so far.

Attempt #1 – Leaving my apartment, I leaned down to lock the door, swung around to take off for my day and was YANKED back by my necklace hooked around the door knob. To make it even worse friendly old neighbor Mrs. Cooper was walking by with Poopsie, and she laughed. She tried to cover it with a cough but I was on to her, plus Poopsie was giving me a look that said “Welcome to my world, Bitch”.

Attempt #2 – Arriving at work. Stashed my purse under my desk, stood up to grab my coffee cup and WHAM! I had been standing on the damn necklace so when I came up from my crouched position the necklace pulled me back down causing my head to slam down on the top of my desk. *whimper*

I feel ya Spock

Attempt #3 – Chair’s arm rests – apparently my chair and necklace worked together on this one because I don’t know how that necklace was able to intertwine itself without my chairs help. All’s I know is Tif came by to ask if I was ready to grab lunch. I said yes went to stand up and was yanked back down. Only I missed the chair and landed face down on the floor with the chair falling on top of me. And then there was the laughter, thanks Tif. I mistakenly made the comment “thanks for having my back” which Tif was quick to reply with “I would but the chairs already got ya covered… HA cause it’s actually on your back… HA HA HA”.

So there you go, 3 attempts and the days not even half way over. So now you are of course asking;

“Mona who don’t you take the evil necklace off?”

What are you crazy? It totally makes the outfit!

But it

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Oh Dear God, Is That What We Sound Like?!

Posted on August 1, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Ashley, Susan, Me at the BB Gathering

I’m a member of a club.  It’s an awesome club that welcomes any woman, along as she’s a bitch.  Well to be fair the club is called Bitches Be… so it only makes sense it be full of bitches.  We do tons of activities; Bitches Be Wine Tasting, Bitches Be Running a Marathon, Bitches Be Eating Bacon, Bitches Be Making TuTus (long story).

Anywho, last weekend we had a Bitches Be Gathering at Susan’s house.  Now we always have an amazingly fun time at these gatherings but we can barely remember what the hell had been so funny the next day or how we got those bruises.  So this time I decided to record the gathering… I kinda wish I hadn’t.

Tara: And then the second lady said “no not that hole, the other one!” HA HA HA HA

Ashley: I don’t get it.

Tara: How can you not get it!? It’s hilarious!

Amanda: I think it’s supposed to be funny cause they’re lesbians.

Tara: YES!

Ashley: ooohhh that was a  lesbian joke, that makes so much more sense… but still not that funny.

Tara: I’M FUNNY DAMMIT!

Me: Susan did you just pour the last of the marshmallow vodka into your wine?

Susan: Yes, but it’s okay it’s a chocolate red wine… so I just need some of those other things and I’ll have a smore!

Me: Graham crackers?

Susan: No… I can’t think of the name.

Amanda: Graham crackers?

Susan: YES!

Me: Oh come on!

Tara: I’M FUNNY DAMMIT!

Ashley: Mona Stop it!

Me: What?

Ashley: Stop peeling your sunburn at the table! That’s disgusting!

Susan: OH! Can I peel one?

Ashley: NO! Separate ends of the table! Both of you.

Me: Geez who made you the sunburn police?

Amanda: I don’t think the chicken is cooked all the way through.

Me: Shit, who told me take it off the bbq at 5!?

Susan: I did, but I touched it and it felt done.

Amanda: You can’t tell by touching it you need to get in it.

Ashley: That’s what she said!

Me: I don’t think that saying works for what she said.

Ashely: Oh shut up.

Me: You shut up!

Ashley: Bitch!

Me: Whore!

Susan: aahh I love you girls.

Tara: I’M FUNNY DAMMIT!

This went on for hours and ended with Ashley taking a picture of my ass and me tackling her in her chair causing both of us to flip head over tits and hit the ground. BUT I was able to delete the photo from her phone.  *sigh* I do love my bitches.

That'll Teach Her

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LOOK OUT! Evil Purple Unicorn is Out Amongst Us!

Posted on July 29, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

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To Peel or Not To Peel… That is the gross question

Posted on July 28, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

So my epic sunburn has entered the itchy as hell stage, which means the inevitable is about to happen… peeling.  This brought on a serious discussion with some of my kickball teammates, the ‘That’s What She Said’, at our last game. (Yes that’s our teams name, yes we scream it all the time at inappropriate moments)

Ashley: Stop scratching, the more you scratch the worse the peel will be, rub instead.

Susan: NO Scratch!  I love the peel, it’s the only bright side of a burn.

Ashley: That’s gross.

Susan: Oh come on!  You’re telling me you don’t love the challenge of pulling a Perfect Peel.

Ashley: A what?

Susan: A Perfect Peel, a peel that goes the entire length of the burn.

Ashley: GROSS. And now I’m thinking of Austin Powers, great thanks a lot Susan!

Susan: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: I DO, I KNOW! Goldmember peels of his gold skin and eats it! “Yesh, Shalty, Yesh that was good.”

Susan: UGH GROSS!! I don’t eat it, God Ashley!

Ashley: I didn’t say you did! Your description just made me think of it.

Susan: Great thanks, you have forever ruined the Perfect Peel for me.

Me: Ok, so I’ll just rub it.

Susan & Ashley: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Me: *sigh* go team.

"Mmmmmm, I'll save that one for later"

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CIA Cat Goes to the Vet

Posted on July 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I’m happy to say that this years annual exam found CIA Cat healthy and the Megacolon clear!

AND…

This year Hubby came along for the first time, which I think CIA Cat really appreciated as he’s her favorite.

I will allow the below pics to tell the story of the visit.

"Get me the FUCK out of here!"

"You guys are in SO much trouble when I get out of this cage! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"

"Hi Friend!"

"I will DESTROY you!"

"Dude, not cool"

"I don't weight that much! Hold on let me hack up a hairball and then we'll do this again"

"Aaaahhhhh that's nice, you never give me ear rubs... wait"

"WAIT, why is she holding a thermometer and lube?!"

"OH MY GOD!!!"

 

"I've been violated"

"What do you mean YOU hate needles? How the hell do you think I feel?!"

 

"Thanks for the check up doc, now if you don't mind I'm gonna go hurl in your purse. Paybacks a Bitch"

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We are the worst pet parents… but at least we’re funny

Posted on July 26, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Every year it happens and every year it completely freaks me out… CIA Cat’s annual exam… god be with us.  However during our strategy meeting I discovered something startling that had nothing to do with CIA Cat.

Hubby: Ok, so I’ll get CIA Cat in the carrier and then  swing by the office and pick you up.

Me: Good, thanks honey.  This way I wont be stressed to rush home, fight to get her in the carrier and then speed off to get her to the appointment on time.

Hubby: Well if you’re worried about her getting too stressed, I could feed her some catnip before I put her in the carrier.

Me: Babe! We’re not getting her high before the exam!

Hubby: Why not? I think it will make the whole experience more enjoyable for her.

Me: What do you think the vet will say when I bring her in high on the nip?

Hubby: Oh he won’t know… unless they have her give a urine sample!  HA HA HA Get it!? Urine Sample!! HA HA HA

Me: oh my god

Hubby: What? That was funny.

Me: No no it was, but I just caught a glimpse of what Tif must go through everyday working next to me.

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He ment well… but now I’m bloaty!

Posted on July 26, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby: Hungry?

Me: I could nosh.

Hubby: Great!  I’m making Eggs Benedict!

Me: … Babe, it’s 10 o’clock at night.  I was thinking popcorn.

Hubby: No, I got all the stuff and you love Eggs Benedict.

Me: Ya, on a Sunday morning accompanied with many Bloody Marys.  Besides you’ve never made Eggs Benedict.

Hubby: I got the recipe right here for the sauce and it looks totally easy, come on, come on, come on, Come On!

Me: Well I’d hate to be the one that didn’t come… on.

Hubby: Ha, ya you’re hilarious. Ok I’ll get them started.

(after much swearing, pot banging, and a crash that sent CIA Cat tearing out of the kitchen like the Road Runner was on her tail. Hubby appeared with his creation)

Hubby: Ta Da!!

Me: Wow, Babe that looks great.

It "looked" good enough to eat.

( I took a big bite, unfortunately)

Me: mmmffffhhh,  wow…

Hubby: Why are you making that face?

Me: What face? No face, it’s great. The egg is… um… cooked perfectly!

Hubby: uh hu… take another bite.

Me: Oh… well… I don’t know I’m pretty full.

Hubby: Ok, give me the fork…. HOLY SHIT! Why are they so salty?

Me: I’m gonna go with the cook put in too much salt, but that’s just me.

Hubby: I followed the recipe exactly, see right here I… Oh…. oh… teaspoon of salt… huh.

Me: aahhhh Babe, did you mix up your teaspoon (tsp) with tablespoon (tbs) again?

Hubby: Why do they make it so cryptic!  I’ll make another batch.

Me: No!! I mean, no I’m good and  sleepy *yawn* really sleepy, maybe next time.  I’m just gonna go get some water, lots and lots of water.

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