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We had a plan and I failed!
Well people it happened! Hubby and I set up a Fire Contingency Plan last week and BAM! We woke up to fire alarms going off this morning… and sadly my plan did not quite go as… well as planned.
BBBBEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP
Me: who… Whas happening?!
Hubby: FIRE ALARM!
Me: I’M UP!!!
Hubby: Great now put some pants on.
Me: Babe it’s a fire! There’s no time for pants!!
Hubby: Honey, there’s always time for pants.
Me: Where’s CIA Cat?!
Hubby: Under the bed, good luck with that. I’m getting my laptop.
Me: (on hands and knees by the bed) Where’s my little snookie, there you are, who’s a good kitty? Wanna be a sweety and come out for mommy?
CIA Cat: HHHHIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!
Me: … ok so that’s the way it’s gonna be. BABE! Where’s my ski gloves!!
Hubby: They should be in the hall closet, which means they’re probably on the floor in the bedroom.
Me: Why do you always insinuate I’m slop… never mind.
Hubby: Found them on the floor, didn’t ya?
Me: Okay sweety come to mommy… HEY NO BITING! OW BAD, BAD KITTY! Ha Victory, she’s in the carrier, let’s go!
Hubby: Hold on
Me: What? Why?
Hubby: I can’t find my other sock.
Me:… Babe really?
Hubby: What?
Me: A fire inferno could be racing down the hall towards us and you’re searching for a matching sock! You wanna die for a sock?
Hubby: Drama much?
Me: Goodbye honey, it was nice being married to you.
Hubby: FINE, I’m coming.
Me: WAIT!
Hubby: Now what?
Me: My pink hat!
Hubby: Seriously?
Me: SHIT, it’s in the carrier with CIA Cat… I don’t think she’s gonna let me have it.
Hubby: Come on, we’re leaving.
(outside watching the fire trucks pull up)
Me: I can’t believe I screwed up the fire contingency plan.
Hubby: Ya we got safely out of the apartment, with the cat, and all our important papers, but you’re not wearing your pink hat so it’s a complete fail.
Me: I know… Epic Pink Hat Fail
Hubby: Way to have your priorities straight.
Me: Bite me sock boy.
Actual image of a pissed off CIA Cat sitting on my hat
Dude that sucks, excuse me while I laugh at you
Our office participates in the annual Portland to Coast Relay that is… AWESOME. Your basically trapped in a van for 2 days and 1 night with 5 other people walking a total of 130 miles… see?… AWESOME!
Anywho, my work pal Jess usually walkes with us BUT this year decided to do the relay with a group of “friends”. This was lame as I would miss doing the relay with Jess BUT still awesome as that team is TOALLY falling apart and I’m enjoying the ride.
100th Blog… And She’s Getting LAZY
It’s my 100th blog! YAY! WOO HOO! GO ME!
And to celebrate this amazing event I’m gonna repost my very first blog! … What?… It’s sweet. Remembering the beginings… no, it’s not lazy… Dude why do you have to be so negative… Fine Whatever!! I’m doing it anyways!!
The D League
Oh the D league, you all have them. You haven’t done any laundry in weeks and the only thing that remains in your panty drawer is the D league. The sad, pathetic underwear you KNOW you should toss, but you don’t because you anticipate this moment will come and it’s better to have the D league then no league at all. I mean what are you supposed to do… go commando?? What if you’re killed horribly and your parents have to identify the body and the doctor, while offering them condolences, mentions that you had no panties on… YOU JUST CAN’T DO THAT TO YOUR POOR PARENTS!!!
So I have to choose from the D League options.
Option 1: Elastic has long gone* – (*should only be worn with pants) These are panties I should truly toss because they are SO horribly pathetic. I have NO idea why they’re still in the league. Nothing keeps elastagone up but the pants I’m wearing (hence the not be worn with skirt clause). And even then it’s a struggle, dude I’m not lying, there’s a dance devoted to just keeping these guys up.
Option 2: FUCK (not an abbreviation, what I say when I put them on) – these panties really suck, they’re the evil panties that looked like nice normal comfortable underwear when I bought them but ended up to be halfies… HALFIES!! They only cover the top half of your butt; the rest of your ass is on its own hanging out for the world to see. Now that I think about it these should also have a *should only to be worn with pants clause. I can’t toss them because they’re perfectly good panties and that would just be wasteful. There are starving children in Africa who don’t have underwear!! So how can I, in good conscious, just throw these evil bastards away?
Option 3: Took one for the team – these panties make me sad, they are pretty, fit great, but… they took a hit for the team when Aunt Flo visited. Sure I could have soaked and saved them but as we’ve already established I suck at doing laundry, hence why I’m in this mess. I could toss them but I feel like they’re my own personal panty albatross, I wear them to punish myself for not being a better person.
Option 4: I’m not a stripper – Two pieces of ribbon attached by a triangle of see-through lace. These usually came with some sexy cami I bought at Victoria Secret, it’s not a secret Victoria, you’re a bitch, and enjoy making all woman feel bad for not being strippers, oops sorry I meant “underwear models”. I would rather go commando then wear these curses on women kind everywhere. But I still can’t throw them away because I don’t think you can be considered a female without having a pair of these in your panty drawer, which is sad, but true, but sad.
So which option did I go with this morning? Option 2… Why Fuck you ask? Because the sneaky bastards looked comfortable at the time!
Classic D League Choice... poor rino
Posted in Humor
Tagged anniversary, blog, evil, funny, laundry, life humor, panties, underpants, undies, writing
4 Comments
Top 10 Reasons This Was The Best Weekend EVER!
1. Hubby’s Company Picnic + Waterballoon toss + “accidental” toss to Hubby’s face + Hubby retaliating with badly aimed throw that takes out Cheryl from accounting = Total Water War Armageddon that lasted over an hour and left too many casualties to count.
2. Driving to Astoria late Friday night on an out of the way wilderness road. Hubby and I start discussing all the horrible things that could happen to us if we break down. Deliverance experience (Hubby’s biggest fear), Small furry things with teeth attacking us (My biggest fear), Sasquatch sighting (Hubby and mines biggest fear and greatest wish).
Suddenly check engine light came on causing both of us to scream like teenage girls… and then it went off. Car has fucked up sense of humor.
3. Fu Fu expensive hotel lost our reservation. Ok I know you’re thinking this was bad and it kind of was. But for their error they paid for our rooms at another hotel and gave us 2 free nights at their hotel the next time we come to Astoria… so SCORE!
Especially since Hubby didn’t know how much that hotel cost and was probably going to kill me at the end of the weekend when he saw the bill, so I got to live…DOUBLE SCORE!
4. Seeing our friends Jon and Trish get married.
Hubby: (sitting down for wedding) Ya gonna be okay?
Me: Yes, why?
Hubby: You ALWAYS completely fall apart at weddings.
Me: Oh I do not.
(wedding march starts)
Me: OH GOD *SNIFF* SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL! *WAIL*
5. Reception Table Assignment
Ashley: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
Me: Oh Ash do you completely fall apart at weddings too?
Ashley: What? No, Mona have you seen where you’re sitting?
Me: No. Why?
Ashley: They have named the tables after romance movies
Me: Aaahhh that’s sweet, oh there’s my name I’m sitting at OH MY GOD!
Me & Ashley: SERENITY!!!!!
Hubby: Serenity isn’t a romance movie.
Me & Ashley: *GASP*
Me: Babe Serenity is the greatest movie ever made.
Ashley: It’s adventure, scifi, comedy, drama, AND romance.
Me: It’s EVERYTHING! I don’t think you’re worthy to sit at the Serenity Table.
Hubby: Ok so then there’s no reason to give you this glass of wine.
Me: oohhhh wine… and forgiven.
6. It’s the COPA BABY!! Ok I’m gonna need to give you some background information on the awesomeness of this. When ever we go karaoke I HAVE to sing Copacabana… it’s my jam. So towards the end of the reception the brilliant DJ put the Copa on. And while my first thought was to rush the stage and grab the microphone, my good friend Chris gave me a better idea.
Chris: Mona you should totally start a conga line.
Me: challenge accepted
Hubby: Here we go
People it was the greatest conga line ever created. Not only was I able to get the whole room to participate but I didn’t throw out my back with my hip pops… I really get into my role as head of the conga line.
7. PHOTO BOOTH AT RECEPTION
8. AFTER PARTY!! The best sign that you’ve thrown an excellent reception is that no one wants to stop partying just because the venue is closing. So we moved our party to a bar called VooDoo. It’s an excellent bar that was referred to us by the front desk dude of the hotel where we had originally tried to move the after party to, and it was an awesome bar. Obviously not a tourist spot as it was so well hidden we had to ask for directions while standing right in front of it… ok that probably had to do more with our drunken state then the bars hiding talents. VooDoo had excellent drinks, freaky cool decorations, and pizza which caused #9 to occur.
9. Hubby Said DUDE
Hubby: BABE this pizza is SO good.
Me: It’s okay.
Hubby: NO BABE! The sauce is aaaahhhhhhhhhh
Me: Well ya it’s pretty g…
Hubby: NO BABE! And the crust is oooohhhhhhh
Me: Mine’s okay I…
Hubby: NO BABE! And the pepperoni is… DDDUUUDDDEEE
Me: I am so turned on right now
Hubby: I KNOW!! I think it’s the pizza.
10. Worlds greatest breakfast buffet – People if you ever go to Astoria and have the worlds largest hangover I suggest you go to Wet Dog Cafe for Sunday Brunch. $10 gives you unlimited bacon, sausage, biscuits & gravy, cereal, fruit, pancakes, french toast, waffles, yogurt, potatoes, coffee. And for an extra $6 the worlds greatest bloody mary. We lived there for over 2 hours… perfection.
But Officer What If I Break The Window?
People that leave their dogs in a locked car on a hot day deserve the spot in hell usually reserved for pediphiles and people who talk on their phone while at the movies… ya they’re that bad.
While waiting for my hubby outside his work yesterday I saw a poor panting, sweating doggy locked in a car. (Yes he was sweating I could tell).
Hubby: Hey babe, thanks for waiting for me. Ready to go?
Me: Sure honey, but I need to wait for the policeman.
Hubby: What policeman?
Me: The one the 911 operator said was coming, I need to waive him down when he drives by.
Hubby: WHAT!? What happened? Are you okay?!
Me: Ya why?
Hubby: BABE!
LITTLE HELP!
Me: What? I called the cops on that car over there with the dog locked inside.
Hubby: Why?
Me: BABE!
Hubby: What? It’s parked in the shade, the windows are cracked, and…
Me: And the dog looks like he’s about to keel over!
Hubby: He looks hot but keel over is an exaggeration… you didn’t tell the 911 operater that did you?
Me: No, I just said he didn’t look good.
Hubby: That’s not the heat, I think he always looks like that. He’s not a very attractive dog.
Me: Oh Oh! Officer!! Officer Sir, Over Here!!!
Police Dude: Ma’am.
Me: tee hee
Hubby: Oh brother
Police Dude: Is this the car?
Me: Yes sir, Officer sir.
Police Dude: Well the glass isn’t hot to the touch.
Me: So?
Police Dude: Well unless the glass is hot to the touch the dog is not considered to be in extreme danger.
Me:… but he’s panting really, really hard.
Police Dude: Oh yes ma’am, I have no doubt he’s uncomfortable but as he’s not in immediate danger there’s not much I can do.
Hubby: *whispering* I told you so.
Me: Ok YOU can’t do anything, But what if I help the window go down?
Hubby: here we go
Police Dude: And how would you be doing that?
Me: With my purse and possibly my elbow.
Police Dude: Maam I would have to arrest you if you did that.
Hubby: She wasn’t going to, she’s just kidding.
Me: … Well can you at least give him a ticket?
Police Dude: For what ma’am.
Me: I don’t know… BEING A DICK?!
Hubby: Well thank you very much officer, now she knows in the future to check the temperature of the window.
Police Dude: My pleasure, sir, ma’am.
Me: *grumbling* don’t call me ma’am.
Hubby: Well honey at least you learned something from this.
Me: Ya don’t bother with the police and always carry a brick in your purse.
Not my brick officer
I’m A Total Disappointment To My Childhood Self
So I was walking to work today and saw a Jeep drive by, which got me thinking.
I should totally buy a Jeep, I’ve wanted one ever since I was a little kid. That’s it, I’m buying a Jeep and marking it off my childhood aspirations list. Ahhh, that felt good. I like marking things off lists. So what else was on my CAL? (Childhood Aspirations List… keep up people).
1. Buy Jeep – DONE
2. Get a dog – … ok I don’t have a dog, I have a cat… BUT my cat works for the CIA and I’m pretty sure is currently working on a plan to become the supreme ultra lord of the planet, which a dog would never think of doing, so – DONE
3. Move to NY – … ok I didn’t move to NY… BUT I did move to LA and it’s also a 2 letter place, only it’s in the opposite direction of NY, but since I’ve never been great with directions I’m gonna mark that as – DONE
4. Be a Movie Star – … ok I haven’t been in a movie… BUT I was in a commercial for the bookstore I worked at in college. I played the ditzy blonde, I really had to study hard to prepare for that role… HA and – DONE
5. Have handsome boyfriends but NEVER GET MARRIED – … ok I did have an extremely handsome boyfriend and I married him… BUT by marring him I got awesome things! Like tax breaks, and the freedom to let myself go (a little… ok a lot), and a lifer designated driver, and someone who is always there to kill spiders (remember how much we hate spiders), and there’s that little fact that he’s our soul mate, so buck up kid and – DONE
6. Travel All Over The World – ok… I haven’t traveled ALL over the World BUT I have traveled to Canada, Mexico, Ireland, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, California, Oregon, Arizona, Nevada, and Louisiana! And hey those are all IN the World so – DONE.
7. Have an exciting job – ok… I had an exciting job as an events/promotions account executive. I met famous people and also developed ulcers from the stress. So I quit and moved to Oregon to be an assistant at an accounting firm… granted not as exciting but excellent health plan and 401K, PLUS no ulcers, so – DONE
Ok kid I’m sure you’re reading this thinking what a bunch of baloney she hasn’t done anything I wanted to do. To that I say HEY LAY OFF YOU LITTLE BRAT! Did you ever think your aspirations were a little too high and not to mention SHALLOW?! What about aspiring for health and happiness and awesome friendships and loving families and a life that makes you smile every day! Huh how about that!?! Didn’t think about wishing for that did you?
But since you’re going to grow up to be this totally awesome, kick ass woman I’m gonna let you off with a warning. Stop stressing about what the future holds and enjoy the present… and don’t go on that road trip to Montana your senior year… trust me.
India IT Guy Is Totally Screwing With Me
People I swear to God or Alah or Chuck Norris or Whatever you believe in… this story is true and happened 30 minutes ago. Started with me calling our Companies IT number.
IT Dude: Thonk you fur calling International Support Line Mr. Mona Muuuooosssess. (ok stopping the bad Indian accent, because it’s not politically correct and I’m not doing it right. Please read IT Dude’s parts like the 7-11 dude from Simpsons. Thank you.)
Me:… Mrs.
IT Dude: I sorry, what?
Me: I’m a lady not a… oh ever mind, I need assistance with changing a company outlook ownership.
IT Dude: Ok, how can I help you?
Me: … help change outlook ownership?
IT Dude: Ok, how can I help you?
Me:… outlook ownership change?
IT Dude: Ok, to be clear you want me to email you outlook?
Me: um no… close, but no. Change ownership of an outlook account?
IT Dude: um ok… Sir, so you know I am calling you from India.
Me: Ya I kinda guessed that, and I called you AND I’m not a dude.
IT Dude: Ok, to be clear you want me to change your name from dude?
Me: …
(People I’m going to spare you the repetitiveness horror that continued for the next 20 minutes and jump ahead to the end)
Me: *crying* no I don’t want you to send me a new mouse to click on outlook, *whimper* please can I talk to someone else.
IT Dude: ok…. Hello how can I help you Mr. Mona Muussssnnneeess?
Me:… you’re the same dude.
IT Dude: No Sir, to be clear you want me to change outlook ownership?
Me: No I want… OH WAIT NO YA!! Ha ha ha ha I want to change outlook ownership! YES!! HA HA HA HA HA!
IT Dude: ok click help, type outlook ownership, instructions will appear… have I helpfully answered all your questions today?
Me:… click on help.
IT Dude: Yes! Was I helpful?
Me: HELPFUL!? Listen buddy if I ever…
IT Dude: Ok have nice day sir, Goodbye! *click*
Me: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
No Poo… Oh Shit!
Me: Babe when was the last time you cleaned the litter box?
Hubby: Is this a trick question?
Me: SHIT!
Hubby: Ok! I’m on it, calm yourself.
Me: No, I’ve been cleaning it regularly.
Hubby: So that WAS a trick question.
Me: Focus, I’ve been cleaning it regularly and there hasn’t been any poo in it in like 4 days.
Hubby:… oh shit.
Me: Ya, CIA Cat is plugged up again.
Hubby: No! No way! We’ve been feeding her that GoLightly stuff. That was supposed to keep the Megacolon issue under control!
Me: I know, but apparently it didn’t! What should we do?
Hubby: I’ll tell you one thing we’re NOT doing. We ARE NOT taking her to the vet for a $900 hand job.
Me: BABE!
Hubby: I’m serious!
Me: sssshhhhhhhhhhhh
Hubby: No, I mean it $900 to stick his finger up her ass is…
Me: SSSSHHHHHHHHHH!
Hubby: What?
Me: She’s in the litter box. Can you see if she’s peeing or pooing?
Hubby: No, I’ll go check.
Me: No, stay here if you disturb her she might stop.
Hubby: I don’t hear peeing… hold on I think I see something… SHE’S POOING!
Me: REALLY!?
Hubby: Yep and wow that’s a long one, she’s got a whole swirly ice cream cone thing happening.
Me: Ok gross, but YAY! SHE POOD SHE POOD SHE POOD SHE POOD!!
Hubby: Really, you have a poo dance?
Me: This means we don’t have to pay the vet $900.
Hubby: SHE POOD SHE POOD SHE POOD SHE POOD!
Not in our family!
You Had Me Hurling at Chickpea
Some of the lovely ladies of my office have decided it’s time to eat right and be fit! And to make sure this happens we’ve agreed to “back each other up” or “throw each other under the bus” which ever helps more.
But That's For Another Blog 