It’s so sad when a girl has to buy her own flask

Posted on October 10, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

A flask should be a gift, NEVER to be bought for oneself. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I was brought up.  It’s one of those life rules, right up there with don’t put your elbows on the table and always keep a clean pair of panties in your glove compartment… poor Hubby learned about that rule during a rather embarrassing police pull over while driving my car… but I digress.

I’ve always felt this way about flasks. If a person goes out and buys themselves a flask, they’re saying to the world that, “Yes I can get a drink at a bar and yes I can get a drink at home, BUT what about that drinking gap between those two place? What’s that you say? Normal people don’t need to drink all the time… I’m sorry, I don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth”, and then that person passes out, usually into their own vomit… I KNOW!! GROSS!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!!!

But sadly, I’ve… become.. that… person… 
Well minus the passing out into my own vomit part, at least not recently. 

Hey! Stop judging me!! It’s not like I didn’t try to get one as a gift!

I have asked for a flask for every Christmas since I turned 21, never got one… WHAT THE HELL SANTA!?!?  AND DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T TAKE A COUPLE NIPS FROM ONE STASHED IN YOUR SLED DURING THAT LONG COLD ANNUAL TRIP, YA I KNOW WHY YOUR CHEEKS ARE ROSEY AND YOU’RE OH SO JOLLY!

But screw santa,  I have tons of girlfriends tying the knot left and right.  I thought for sure I’d get a beautiful engraved flask as a bridesmaid gift from one of them… nope.  I’ve been in FIVE weddings and no flask.  Five freaking weddings and not one of those bitches gave me a flask! (p.s. you know I adore all of you lovely ladies that let me be a part of your joyous day… this is just the drinking gap talking).  I got necklaces, earings, anklets, and get this… a picture of the bride… ya, but NO personalized flask, and I thought we were friends.

I then attempted to get Hubby to buy me one for our anniversary, but apparently flasks aren’t “Romantic”… so he got me a pink iPod… Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know pink is what makes things romantic. I’m pretty sure they make pink flasks!

So with Santa, “friends”, and Hubby totally letting me down, I just decided to go out and buy one for myself… but I couldn’t.  The minute I started walking towards the flask case at the liquor store I could feel everyone’s eyes on me… those judging, disapproving, squinting, blood shot eyes… so I caved and left empty-handed.  Well actually I left with a bottle of Gin, cause we were out, but no flask.

And just when I thought all was lost, I remembered my one true friend who would help me get my long anticipated flask and would never judge me!

THANK GOD FOR EBAY!

*Sniff* Oh Mona... You shouldn't have... IT'S BEAUTIFUL! And look Hubby, it's SO romantic!

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Hey Hasbro! Stop fucking with my childhood!

Posted on October 6, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I saw the most hideous commercial on tv last night.

Credit Card Monopoly… ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!

It’s exactly like the good old-fashioned Monopoly I grew up with, EXCEPT now instead of using paper money, you swipe a plastic bank card… COME ON!

The best thing about Monopoly was the paper money!  Not only did it strengthen your math skills and appreciation for a buck, BUT you could also flaunt your fan o’cash in your brother’s face when you were wooping his butt!  Now you just swipe a card. What are kids learning from this?  Your life is ruled by plastic and get ready for a life of debt… yay.

I quickly went online to make sure all my other favorite childhood games weren’t being screwed with…

Oh you sons of bitches… SERIOUSLY?!

My brother and I LOVED battleship!  The best part of it was sneakily moving your ship mid game if the other play had hit it and then telling them it was a miss… how can you do that when it’s all computerized!? Play fair? SCREW THAT!

What else…

… you got rid of the dice in Yahtzee?  Okay, now you’re just fucking with me.

Product Description:
“Thanks to innovative Wonder-Link technology, these super-smart dice know what you rolled, what you decide to hold, and automatically re-roll the rest.”

… wow… why the hell am I even playing the game?  Looks like the “super-smart dice” can play it on their own without me… this is the first step to the computers taking over the world.  I BLAME YOU HASBRO FOR THE FAST APPROACHING COMPUTER ARMAGEDDON!

Okay that has to be it, there’s no way they could go further than that…

Oh no you didn’t… YOU MESSED WITH CONNECT FOUR!?

And you changed it to a game of chance… WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

For those of you who may have not played Connect Four, and I can’t imagine there’s many of you out there, here’s what Connect Four is supposed to look like:

It’s a fun, strategic game where you attempt to get four of your color chips in a row while blocking the opposing player from doing the same.  My brother and I played this for hours… I gotta go lay down…  this is just too much to take.

Thanks Hasbro for helping to create a future of lazy, dumb, debt ridden people, but I guess on the plus side most of them will be taken out in the first wave of the computer Armageddon you helped create. 

So in that case, I guess I’ll say ‘thanks’.  Thanks from all of us smart, savvy, imaginative people who grew up with the old school games.  Not only will we most likely survive the first attack but now, thanks to the dumbasses bing killed off first, we have more supplies to help us survive and eventually defeat the computers. 

Who knew Hasbro believed in Darwinism.

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Don’t ask me about dating, I’m married I know nothing

Posted on October 4, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

I love my bitches (not being crude that’s the name of my group of gal friends) and would do anything for them, but when it comes to offering advice on dating, I let them down every time.

Apparently dating in the 90’s was WAY different (and easier) then dating now.  I met hubby, fell instantly in love with him (seriously I walked into a closed door after our first kiss), and after a couple of years of dating we got married. 

I never had to deal with the trials and tribulations that my lady friends have to deal with in this day and age, here are just a few: 

1. Texting:
Hubby and I never would have stood a chance if this was around when we started dating. How awful to have to rely on fonts and IM faces to figure out what mood the person is in who’s typing to you.  I don’t know about the rest of you but I NEED to hear a person’s voice to know exactly what they’re really saying and thinking. 

example:
You’re crazy vs. You’re Crazy ;-P

(The first You’re Crazy would lead me to believe this guy has figured me out and is currently running for the hills, however the second You’re Crazy tells me he’s joking and the freak show that is me is still safely hidden… see?  TRICKY!)

And, I’m sorry, call me old fashion but if a fella wants to ask me out, I expect him to pick up his phone… and CALL! Voice to voice, not thumb to thumb.

2. The bases are all fucked up:

I grew up with a basic understanding of the “Bases”.  I had always believed it went like this:
First Base = Kissing,
Second Base = Boob sightage and/or possible touching,
Third Base = Showing him your flower or you seeing his winky (yes that’s what I call them, shut up),
Home = is … well home.

This is SO home!

Evidently this is wrong… WAY wrong. I made the mistake of telling one of my gal pals which base I thought she had gone to on her last date.  Lets just say her idea of that base and my idea were drastically different and she spent the rest of the night telling everyone that I had called her a slut… dude.

3. Open dating:
I didn’t even know this was ever an option.  How it was explained to me is that a guy and girl can be dating each other… AND other people at the same time.  I’m only 34, but I must be REALLY old fashioned cause I find this just plain wrong! Your dating me, then you’re dating me and ONLY me, untill I tell you we’re not dating anymore… got it?

4. Facebook:
I don’t even know where to start with this one.  I believe Facebook is to blame for all the Single people out in the world today.  How wrong is it that the minute you friend a possible future soul mate they know EVERYTHING there is to know about you?! Seriously, there’s no reason to talk anymore.

Friends – No need to introduce them, they’re all listed on your page, along with where they live, who they’re in a relationship with, and where they work.

What are your likes and dislikes – No need to tell, they can just go to your info page.  With one click of the mouse they know you’re favorite books, movies, music, everything!

That awkward moment when they ask about your ex’s – Good news no need to talk about it! They can see them all on your history pages. Bad news they can also see all the photos of you kissing and hugging and looking ridiculously happy with them… yay?

And forget about lying about where you are – Maybe you don’t feel like going out with her/him, so you say you’re staying home cause you’re sick/studying/washing your hair.  In the mean time you’ve gone out with some friends. Unfortunately one of your friends, not only tags you in their check-in, but also posts a picture of you taking a shot out of someones belly button. Good luck explaining yourself out of that one.

So now can you see why I’m absolutely no help to my friends when it comes to dating advice?!? IT’S INSANITY OUT THERE!! And to all you single people reading, I only have one more thing to say… Good Luck You Poor Bastards!

Now excuse me, I gotta go kiss my husband and rub a Buddha’s belly that I never have to go through the hell that your living everyday.

Good Luck,
Mrs. Hubby

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GIANT BLOCK GAME!… that is all.

Posted on October 3, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Last Friday night was wine tasting night, awesome as always, but then things were kicked up a notch when I got a text that Chris was having a BBQ.

Cheri: We should go.

Me: I agree

Kim: Why? We already ate.

Me: phbbttt, you don’t go to Chris’ to eat!

Cheri: Silly Kim.

Kim: Then why?

Me & Cheri: GIANT BLOCK GAME!

Giant Block Game my dear readers is a life-size block game that Chris made out of many two by fours.  Now this in itself is awesomeness, but it gets better.  During the first inauguration game, which yours truly was lucky to be at, it was decided that challenges should be written on each block.  This meant that when you pulled a piece from the giant tower you then had to complete the challenge written on your pulled block before you could place it back on top… brilliant.

Because me and my fellow geek pal Ashley were both there on that big day, we made sure to put as many sci-fi references as possible.  Some of our brilliant challenges were the following:

~You must say Shiny at the end of every sentence, or else finish off your drink.

~The entire room must address you as Pretty Pretty Princess when ever you enter or exit a room.

~You must say “Let’s be bad guys” before every drink.

~ Say 5 great lines from Dr. Who or else finish the drink of the person to your left.

Sadly since Chris and the boys aren’t as awesomely geeky as us, we found that they had replaced some of our blocks with their own “challenges”.

~ Spank the toosh of the person to your right with a wooden spoon.

~Switch shirts with anyone in the room.

~ Nibble on the ear of the person to your left.

~ Spank the toosh of anyone of your choosing.

Really guys?… wow … seriously…wow.

Us ladies decided to  make the game less gropey and more fun by either substituting the boys “challenges” with our own or just ignoring them completely.

Thankfully there were still some good challenges in the tower.

~ Cluck like a chicken when ever anyone says ‘Chris’.
(We had poor Robb clucking for most of the night)

~ Sing a song from Dirty Dancing.
(Kim did an amazing rendition of “I had the time of my life” but I was horribly disappointed when Cheri didn’t make the flying leap catch)

~ Say the name of every person in the room, alphabetically in 10 seconds. If you don’t, finish your drink.
(IT’S NOT POSSIBLE! There were like 10 people in the room and I didn’t know everyone and I’m awful at my alphabets and I get stage fright and I had just filled my huge wine glass to the top!!… I HATE THIS GAME!)

Kim... honey... that's not the best place to sit when pulling a block from the bottom... just saying.

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Don’t make my lamb poop on you

Posted on September 30, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

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Who’s the Worlds Greatest Wife? THIS GAL!… huh not the same impact without seeing me doing the thumb pose

Posted on September 29, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

As a mention in my home shopping debacle post, I went to a wine tasting last week.  And like all my wine tastings it was AWESOME!  However, this wine tasting was a little more awsomer then the others.  Like all truly awesomey things it came in 3 awesome parts.

Awesome Part #1: After taking a tour of the owners wine making room in the back of the cafe, Susan and I decided we were going to make our own wine, in her garage.

Susan: I can’t belive we haven’t thought of this before, it’s genius!

Me: I KNOW! I’m totally excited.  We can make a whole barrel of wine!

Susan: Oh a barrel… how many grapes do we need to make a barrel of wine?

Owner Dude: About 800 pounds.

Me:… that’s a lot of grapes, we’re gonna need a bigger garage.

Owner Dude: Well that’s for a full size barrel, they have smaller barrels too.

Susan: Yay, smaller barrels!

Me: I can’t wait till we tap that mini barrel for our yummy creation.

Susan: *GASP* Mona, you just named our wine.

Me: I did… Yummy Creation?  That seems a little boring for us.

Susan: No… Tap That!

Me: Oh Hell YA!!!

Owner Dude: That’s actually not a bad name.

Susan and Me: PATENT PENDING!!

Awesome Part #2: I was NOT the drunkest person there… HA!

Drunk Girl: HI! I’M SARAH

Susan: Hi Sarah, I’m …

Sarah: HA HA! MY NAME’S NOT SARAH!

Susan: Oh, sorry I thought you…

Drunk Girl: NO WAIT!… MY NAME IS SARAH… WOW… ISN’T THAT CRAZY!?!

Me: Ya, I can honestly say you just blew my mind.  Oh, someone just called your name.

Sarah: REALLY!?! WHERE!?!?

Me: Outside  and down the street about 4 blocks.

Sarah: WOW, OKAY BETTER GO THEN!! BYE!!!

Susan: You’re a bitch, but god I love you.

Me: Ditto.

Awesome Part #3: I bought Hubby the greatest gift of all time!
(sorry Rich this even beats out your Awesome Gift.)

Kim: Mona stop staring at me, I told you I don’t go that way.

Me: … Wow… um ok number one I was only joking about that! And number two I was looking at the picture behind you.

Kim: Why are you looking at that, ick what is that thing?

Me: Dude! That’s Grig from The Last Starfighter.  Hubby loves that movie.

Kim: Well it’s on sale, for $100 it’s all yours.

Me: I’m totally getting it. I’m gonna call Hubby, he’ll be so excited!

And I did… and he wasn’t… well at least not at first.

Me: Honey it’s me! I just bought you something AWESOME!

Hubby: No you didn’t.

Me: Ya I did.

Hubby: No you didn’t, I have an app that alerts me whenever you use the debit card and you haven’t bought anything in the last hour except 2 bottles of wine. By the way stop buying wine, you’ve had enough.

Me: Seriously!? You track my card… I feel so violated!  And trust me compared to some of the other people here my drinking is way below par.  AND I didn’t use my debit card… I used my credit card.

Hubby: No, I cut all those up!

Me: You missed one, but you’re missing the point! I bought YOU something AWESOME!

Hubby: How much was it?

Me: Babe that diminishes the gift when you know how much it was.

Hubby: How much.

Me:… $50.

Hubby: Which means it was really $100,

Me: How did you…

Hubby: Babe, I’m so on to your ways.

Me: You know what? Screw you, I’m keeping Grig for myself!

Hubby: Grig? From The Last Starfighter?

Me: Yep, it’s a big awesome picture of him and all kinds of other cool starfighter stuff behind him, and it’s all mine… not yours.

Hubby: Too late you already said it was for me, no take backs.

Me: It’s not a take back if I never gave it to you, I… oh shit.

Sarah: HI! WHO’S THIS? I’M SARAH!?

After that I had a tug a war with Sarah for the phone, which I won, but Hubby was no long there, because he was on his way to the cafe to stake claim to his picture.

2 bottles of wine – $24
1 Awesome picture – $100
Getting Hubby to one of my wine events – Priceless

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Someone pull my ass up!

Posted on September 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

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I AM PULLING DAMMIT!

Posted on September 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

After 10 years of marriage I had thought that Hubby got me, I had thought he understood the complicated workings that are me and was prepared for anything I threw at him.  Never have I been so wrong.

It all started last week when I walked up to him whining at him to look at my disgustingly fat, huge arms.  Being a good Hubby he did and then being a well-trained Hubby he rolled his eyes and told me I was crazy.  I walked away patting myself on the back (with my huge, gross arms) thinking Hubby totally got me and our relationship was perfect… oh how very wrong I was. 

Yesterday he came home with a box, for me, sounds good right? Ya, he then opened it and showed me what he got.

Me: … What is it?

Hubby: It’s a pull up bar.

Me: … Why?

Hubby: You said your arms were too big, this will help you tone them.

Me: … Dude.

Hubby: What? This will really help, we can work on it together.

Me: I told you my arms were big so you would say I was crazy and ignore me.  NOT agree and tell me how to fix it… DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME!?!

Hubby: Whatever, let me show you how it works… see easy and you can totally feel it in your arms.  Okay now you try.

Me: *groan*  fine

Hubby: Pull up

Me: I am pulling

Hubby: Stop fooling around and just pull up.

Me: I AM PULLING!

Hubby: Seriously? You’re not even moving.

Me: Shut Up! I’m trying to pull up a lot of weight here buddy!

Hubby: I pulled up easy, come on use your big arms.

Me: HEY!  I weight more than you so IT’S HARDER!

Hubby: No you don’t.

Me: Pretty sure I do.

Hubby: How much do you weigh?

Me: …

Hubby: Come on tell me.

So I did and then he told me how much he weighs…

Hubby: Where are you going?

Me: To the kitchen.

Hubby: If you’re upset about your weight, why go to the kitchen?

Me: That’s where the knifes are!

Hubby: Babe! You’re not gonna kill yourself!

Me: No… Not me.

Hubby: … Okay I’m gonna take the bar down.

Me: Now you’re getting me!

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I’m an 80’s failure

Posted on September 27, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

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Sparkley… TAKE A DRINK!

Posted on September 21, 2011 by But That's For Another Blog

Once again I’ve tasted shoe… bleck.  Confused? Well of course you are you’re reading my blog after all, but I’ll clarify.  Tasting shoe basically transfers to putting your foot in your mouth… aahhh now you get it, aren’t I clever! No? Whatever.

So last night I went to a FANTASTIC wine tasting at a little wine bar called Enso.  I recommend it to everyone and their dog, if your dog likes wine and really how could it not?  But I digress.

I’m sitting at one of the tables with my group listening to Susan try to name all the 7 dwarfs… okay she wasn’t really doing that, but I don’t have the foggiest idea what we were talking about so I’m using my artistic creativity.  Anywho, while partially listening to Susan I hear a part of the conversation coming from the table next to us.

“blah, blah, blah, Home Shopping.”  This instantly grabs my attention and I swing around to join in their conversation.

Me: I LOVE the home shopping network!

Everyone at the table stopped talking and stared at me in surprise.  Now don’t go thinking I’m rude, I mean I knew a couple of the people at the table and I chalked up their surprised looks to my sometimes forgetting to use my inside voice.

Me: I’m so excited you guys watch it too, I thought I was the only one! I mean I don’t actually buy anything, I just watch it for its general awesomeness!

Tracy: Mona we’re…

Me: My favorite is when they’re selling jewelry!  It’s hilarious how they use the same descriptive words over and over.  “Look at how sparkly it is, we only have 200 more so order quick!  Look at the sparkle on this ring, and it’s yours for 10 easy payments of $19.99!  Well I love the sparkle and don’t forget we have the matching bracelet coming up next! OH LOOK AT HOW IT SPARKLES!”  You could totally make it a drinking game, every time they say Sparkle, take a drink!

Tracy: Mona we’re talking about how we’re home shopping… for a new house.

Me:… oh… right.

I quickly turned back to my table to escape the laughter, only to see Susan, Ashley, and Kim all staring at me with delighted looks on their faces.

Ashley: So how much do you really LOVE the Home Shopping Network?

Kim: Do they really have amazing deals that you just can’t pass up? OH! Do you have a special members card?!

Susan: Do you call in so you can tell them on air how much you LOVE your purchase?

Me: I hate you all.


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