And that’s why Uruguay hates me


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Are You Fing Kidding Me?!?

As you can tell from my blog header and some of the random pictures I’ve posted, I’m a blonde.  Have been for a couple of years now.  But last month I decided I needed a change.  I needed to shake things up a bit and go a little CRAZY!!!

So I dyed my hair red.  No I’m sorry, not just red…. RED!

I came to work today, totally prepared for people to be like:

“HOLY SHIT MONA, YOUR HAIR IS SO RED!”

“O.M.G…. Seriously O.M.G… I just wet myself!!”

“Your hair looks AMAZINGBALLS!!!”

“SHUT UP, You didn’t tell me you were going full on AWESOME!”

Okay, granted maybe all the comments wouldn’t be that extreme, but you get the idea of what I was expecting.

I sat down at my desk believing I would get no work done as EVERYONE in the office would surround me to discuss the pure awesomeness that is me and my RED hair. 

“Do you think your new color will end all wars and finally bring peace to the world?”

“Is it true Picasso is coming back from the dead, because he must paint you?”

“I heard your amazing RED hair has given you super powers and you actually flew to work this morning.”

… Okay again I may have gone a little “extreme” in the discussion comments, but I’m a RED head now. We’re totally EXTREME.

So… I’ve been at work for 1 hour and 15 minutes… 3 people have come by my desk… NO ONE HAS SAID A FREAKING THING!!!

Seriously people… SERISOUSLY!?!?

Do I mean that little?

Is a complete and total awesome change in my appearance mean NOTHING to these people?!?

No…

No, I get it…

It’s too much for them…

The pure awesomeness of my RED hair is too much for their feeble accountant brains to handle…

I have literally blown their minds!

… MY RED HAIR ROCKS!

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Five Things Guys Can Do In Every Day Life To Be More Attractive To Women.

Okay guys I’m being totally serious, do these simple every day 5 things and you will look 38.6% more attractive to women. 

1. Hold a door open for a girl.

 
Not just the car door on a date!


Good, but try not staring at her boobs, and lose the creepy smile.


Dude! You’re trying too hard, TOO HARD!

It should be a cool, casual move and PLEASE don’t act like you’re doing us a favor… we know you are, but it looks cooler if you act like you’re not.

Guys I know you’re thinking this is lame but GOOD LORD! We LOVE this stuff. 

You wanna go for the kill?

If on an elevator with another person that happens to be female, let her walk out first, EVEN IF you’re standing in front of her.  A guy did that for me yesterday and I almost took him down right there and then, SEXY!

 
Okay this picture really doesn’t have to do with this tip, but COME ON that’s a cool elevator!!

2. DON’T SPIT!… EVER!!!

Seriously, I don’t care if you running a marathon or sucking out poison from a snake bite, DON’T SPIT!!


SEE!  Even if you’re prince charming, it’s still gross.

3. When walking next to a girl, walk on the curbside of the sidewalk.

It’s SHOCKING to me how many guys don’t know about this. 

By walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk you’re telling everyone you’d take a direct hit from an out of control car for her. DON’T PANIC! You don’t really have to, but we like seeing you act like you might.

Tsk Tsk Tsk.  This guy might as well be saying, “I hate this girl and hope that cab slides in the slush and takes her out, and stop hogging the umbrella bitch!”

SEE?!? I bet you had no idea a simple move of standing on the wrong side of a girl could say SO MUCH!


Better, but what the dog ever do to you?

4. “Readjusting” in public… dude… seriously… dude… don’t.

It’s really quite simple:

Your doing this:

Is equal to doing (and looking like) this:

Any questions?

5. Make an effort.

This is true when it comes to grooming and clothes. 

Let’s compare Justin Theroux’s two looks below:

Do you see it!?!? Please tell me you see the difference!?!?

Trust me, the Justin on the right gets WAY more sex then the Justin on the left… just saying.

There ya go guys.  I’m not saying you will for sure get the girl if you practice these 5 steps… but… I… um… sorry keep looking at the Justin on the right and losing my train of thought… ya.

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CIA Cat’s Dirty Secret Revealed!

You know, you think you’ve raised them right.  Taught them how to use the litter box, showed them that scratching the furniture makes them a bad kitty, helped them discover that loving head butts get treats, but chewing on Prada gets them 30 minutes in bathroom time out. 

You believe that everything is as it should be… and then one day… while watching the Animal Channel… you discover their dirty, dirty secret…  and you realize… you never really even knew them!

CIA Cat is into… KITTY PORN!

*GASP*

I know, it’s shocking!

Take a moment to compose yourself and then watch the video below.

(DISCLAIMER: Video contains some kitty on kitty rubbing, licking, purring, and inappropriate meowing, may not be suitable for children.)

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Kevin Bacon’s 6 Degrees of Killing You

Whole new meaning to Death by Bacon!

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He told you to put WHAT on your WHATS!?!?

I have a friend, who sent me an email, that was BRILLIANT!  And I had to share it.  I had originally thought about altering it to make it sound like she and I were having a conversation.  But then I realized I would be like George Lucas screwing with Star Wars for my own personal pleasure… *shudder*…  Fuck That! So here it is, my friends email to me about the horrors of having boobies… well not really, more about the horrors of having a baby… well not really, more about the horrors of dildos… um just read it.

So something happened to me yesterday that made me think of your blog. I will tell you about it, and maybe you will want to blog about it, but if you identify me in any way I will come to Portland and hurt you in ways you didn’t know were possible!

Sometimes when a woman is breastfeeding her milk ducts become clogged. This causes them to engorge and become extremely painful. Now, as a child I always wanted big boobs. As an adult I realize that the pornstar look just isn’t me. And to be honest this engorgement hurt so badly that I spent all night laying in bed crying. I had been doing everything that I was aware of to treat this- hot compresses, gentle massage and pumping or feeding more frequently. Nothing as fun as massaging your breast with a steaming hot compress on it at 2:00 am. Who says motherhood isn’t sexy?

In the morning I made an emergency appointment with my doctor. While he seemed shocked that I was still having this problem, he wasn’t overly concerned. He said that I was doing everything that I could – except, maybe using a vibrator on my breast. “Um, say what?” was my reaction. “You want me to use a vibrator on my breast?” Yep, ladies you read that right. My doctor ordered me to get a vibrator for my breast. I could just envision walking into a local ‘specialty shop’ and saying, “where are your vibrators? I need one for my boob. Really, it’s for my boob!” So, I am going to have to buy a vibrator – Dr.’s orders. Who says breastfeeding can’t be pleasurable? 😉

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And Her Tombstone Will Read, “Killed by Costco Tuna”

“I’m dying!”, I declared as a threw myself onto the couch next to Hubby.

Hubby continued playing his multi-player X-Box game, “oh, that’s too bad… MIKE WATCH YOUR FLANK!”.

Me: Babe! Would you please take the headset off so I can tell you how I’m dying?

Hubby: … TERRY ON YOUR RIGHT! YOUR OTHER RIGHT!! AAARRRGGGHHH, YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME!

Me: BABE!

Hubby: WHAT?… oh right, you’re dying. How?

Me: I poisoned myself.

Hubby: oh well that’s… WHAT?

Me: Oh no, it’s no big deal, please continue with your game.  Don’t let my horrifyingly, painful death get in your way.

Hubby: Babe! How did you poison yourself?! MARK, I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!

Me: Tuna

Hubby:… you’re gonna have to give me more.  JESUS YOU GUYS JUST PLAY THE NEXT ONE WITHOUT ME! WHAT?! NO SHE HASN’T TOLD ME WHAT POISONED HER!

Me: Tuna

Hubby: SHE SAYS TUNA… I DON’T KNOW!  How did tuna poison you… wait, we don’t even have tuna.

Me: Yes we do, remember I bought that case of canned tuna at Costco last week.

Hubby: Was it a bad batch? Did it smell bad? Look funny?

Me: No, No, No.

Hubby: … then how do you know you’ve been poisoned.

Me: because I ate all of it.

Hubby: … Ok I’m going back to my game.  GUYS I’M BACK! NO SHE’S FINE JUST ATE TOO MUCH!… YA I KNOW, WELCOME TO MY WORLD!

Me: HEY! 

Hubby: Hon, eating too much tuna is not gonna kill you… WHAT?! I DON’T KNOW! Terry wants to know how much you ate.

Me: This week?… 10 cans.

Hubby: Babe, why did you eat that much? SHE SAID 10 CANS!

Me: Because I’m doing that new protein diet and eating canned tuna is so much easier than cooking chicken and stuff.  But yesterday when I was eating a can at work Tif asked if I was worried about mercury poisoning.

Hubby: What’s mercury poisoning?  WHAT?  OH! Mike says that’s serious.

Me: HELLO!? That’s what I’ve been saying!  Oh but Mike from Oklahoma said it, so NOW you pay attention!

Hubby: Nevada.

Me: What?

Hubby: Mike’s from Nevada.  Mark’s from Oklahoma, so ya gonna tell me or what?

Me: Fine, apparently if you eat too much fish you can get mercury poisoning. So I went online and found a mercury calculator that told you how much was a safe quantity to eat.

Hubby: and?

Me: It said you should only eat 2 cans a week, I had 10… I’M DYING!

Hubby: SHE SAID SHE’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE 2 CANS!… WHAT?… OH GOOD! Babe, Mark says you wont die.

Me: Really!

Hubby: Ya, he’s Googling. Okay, he says you will have some possible side effect.

Me: Like what?

Hubby: SHE WANTS TO KNOW THE SIDE EFFECTS… UH HUH… UH HUH… HA! THEN SHE MUST HAVE BEEN POISONED SINCE I MET HER!

Me: What?! What’s he saying?

Hubby: He said your skin might get red and itchy and you’ll have moments of unprovoked anger, irritability, restlessness and exaggerated responses to stimulation.

Me: … and you laughed and said I’ve been poisoned since we met? YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS!!

Hubby: Now honey that’s just the mercury talking. OK GUYS LET’S GET BACK TO THE… BABE! What the HELL!?!?

Me: (Holding the unplugged cable to the X-Box) Sorry babe, the mercury made me do it.

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Never ask about the clowns in the refrigerator

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Beware of Shoe Vultures on Facebook!

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Out with the Oldish and In with the Kinda New!

It’s finally happened, I’m bored with my blog. To be honest I thought it would have happened a lot sooner.  But it’s true, I can’t spend another day looking at my blog’s… HEADER PICTURE!

HA HA! I totally had you going didn’t I?  I’m such a stinker.

Anywho, I’ve started gathering new pics to replace the current picture collage I have above. But then I said to myself:

I: Hey Myself! You can’t replace those pictures without at least telling everyone why you put them up there, kinda like saying some parting words.

Myself: Wow I, you’re totally right!

So here ya go, some quick parting words for each of these special moments that have been captured at the top of my blog this past year.

Here we have Burgandy and me standing in a field, isn’t it pretty?

We were at a wine tasting called Italy in the Valley, with our wine club. I pointed to the field and said “Oh Burg we should totally take our picture in that field!” I believe Burgandy’s response was “no”.  “But Burg it will look like art! With the yellow of that hay stuff and the blue sky and PPPPPLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!” And to shut me up she agreed and she ended up LOVING this picture.

However that was not hay but newly cut straw, which if you don’t know, is as sharp as fucking knifes… and we were in dresses… ya it took a week for our legs to heal… but isn’t it pretty!?

And here we have CIA Cat!

I had to include a picture of my pet/nemesis as I knew she would be the topic of MANY of my posts.

Some of the good ones, Using the Force on CIA Cat, CIA Cat Played Me, CIA Cat and the MegaColon, and CIA Cat Goes to the Vet.

Actually now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure she bitch slapped me after I took this picture.

Just for that, she will NOT be in the new collage!  Ha ha who’s the bitch now CIA Cat!?!

Okay to explain this picture I have to reveal something shocking… First off I know many of you have said how much you enjoy my stories regarding my friend Cheri… well it’s time to be honest with you… that’s not her real name.

I KNOW, shocking, but I thought it would be a good idea to try to hide some of my friends real identities as, let’s be honest, I blog everything they say and while that stuff is freaking funny… it can be a little embarrassing for them, perfect example Chlamydia story

But since I stopped doing that like a month after I started blogging, I decided it’s time you all know Cheri’s real name… it’s… Sheri.  Hey I never said I was overly creative with the name changes.

So this pic is of me and Cheri Sheri… I don’t know why I look surprised, I’m pretty sure I was the one who told the person to take our picture.

*sniff* this is a picture of Zeus… *whimper* Hubby gave him to me as a gift *sob* he could hold an entire bottle of wine *sniff* I loved him so much… AND THEN I BROKE HIM!  *WAIL*

I MISS YOU BUDDY!!

R.I.P Zeus (03/2011 – 06/2011)

Okay I included this picture cause it makes me laugh.

I can just hear this squirrel in my head.

“Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket…”

If you don’t get that reference to Serenity, aka the greatest movie ever made… you can stop reading my blog… you obviously just don’t get me.

IT’S HUBBY!

YYAAAYYYYY!

Mona and Hubby Kissing on New Years K.I.S.S.I.N.G!

First comes Love then comes Marriage then comes the … nevermind.

It’s my home! Good old Portland, Oregon.

I enjoy this beautiful view every morning on my walk into work… not too shabby.

Plus this picture captures the weather of Portland perfectly, rain clouds with just a tease of blue skies.

Anytime you’re in Portland give me a call! What’s that? You don’t have my number?… oh… akward.

Yay! It’s my kickball team, That’s What She Said!  God I love these pink bastards!

You better believe the new header collage will have these guys in it, except we’ll be in red shirts… cause that’s the color Hosford Cup Winners wear!!!

WOO HOO!! SPRING KICKBALL CHAMPIONS!

This is a lot of empty wine bottles.

That were all drunk in one night.

No, I didn’t drink them all myself, but thanks for that vote of confidence.

This was a Bitches Be gathering that was for… um… well I don’t remember… but wow did we have a good time… I think.

This is me at my evening job.

HA HA HA HA, I kid!

I believe this was a Bitches Be outing to a gay club…

I don’t know why the dollars are there… I think I was collecting money from the Bitches to pay the bar tab… the Bitches have a hilarious sense of humor.

Oh where to begin.

Okay so there’s this annual event in Portland called the Urban Iditarod.  It’s a race were teams of people (dogs) pull shopping carts (sleds) through a four mile course that goes all around downtown Portland. Each team has a theme that they all dress for and we all stop at bars and pubs along the race route.

My team’s name was the Maid Brigade… and yes, we were awesome.

Here are more of some of my fantastic friends, and myself, still at the Italy in the Valley event.

Left to right is Burgandy on the bottom, next to her is Sheri, above her is Susan, then me, and pretty in pink is Tracy. LOVE THESE LADIES!

In this picture Sheri, Susan, and I are answering the day old question:

How do I drink my beer after just putting lip gloss on?

What? That’s a damn good question. And the answer is… STRAWS!!

And I’m not gonna lie, I saved the best for last.

I give you the Humuhumunukunukuapua’s.

The first kickball team I ever played for, so named after the state fish of Hawaii as they were mostly all (except for that cute blonde in the middle) Hawaiians. 

This was an awesome team to be introduced to kickball with and, as it’s since disbanded, they will always hold a special place in my heart. YA BITCH!… inside joke, unless you watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, then congratulations! You’re on the inside.

So there you go, you now know the story behind each picture on my header collage.  I’m hoping to have the new one up by next week, unless I get distracted, but I don’t think that will… SQUIRREL!

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