CIA Cat Says Good-bye… the fake one, not the real one

As you know SOMEONE has been emailing me as my cat, CIA Cat.  Now, at first, I declared this awesome and began the hunt of finding out who was the mystery emailer.  However, the joy of not knowing quickly faded, becoming less awesome and more aggravating.  Add on to that the fact that ALL my friends knew the identity of the emailer. 

The straw that broke this bloggers back was when I discovered CIA Cat had voted for me for Best Humor Blog in the Blogger’s Choice Awards.  

… COME ON!! That’s taking it TOO FAR!!!

In a fit, I went on Facebook and declared I would no longer post CIA Cat’s emails on my Blog.  All my “friends” declared I was a spoil-sport and demanded to know how it was possible I had no idea who the emailer was… I had ideas.

1. Susan – She mentioned CIA Cat should have a Facebook page before the emails started, so she had CIA Cat and the internet on the brain.

2. Ashley – Many people have said that the CIA Cat emails sound a lot like my writing.  Since Ashley and I are equal in awesomeness, she’s an obvious choice.  Add on to that her disturbing attraction to Puss in Boots.

3. Juanita – A BIG fan of my blog and after she sent me her online dating bio to review, I discovered she’s a freaking hilarious writer. example, “I’m looking for someone I can have interesting conversations with that wont have to be retold later in a courtroom.”

So in response to my Facebook threat, I received a good-bye email from CIA Cat yesterday with a clue to who the mystery emailer is…

To: Mona
From: CIA CAT
RE: I Bid You Adieu!

CIA Cat here – and I believe it is time for me to bid you adieu! I have wrestled with conflicted feelings on this final e-mail and have found this is a feeling even Fancy Feast can’t temper. But before I do so, I leave you with these final words of wisdom:

“Just scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word, and has filed it for reference.”

“Understand, you can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”

“A cat sees no good reason why it should obey another animal, even if it does stand on two legs.”

“Now some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel, true. And they have many other fine qualities as well.

“It is known even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.”

“There is the little matter of disposal of droppings in which the cat is far ahead of its rivals. The dog is somehow thrilled by what he or any of his friends have produced, hates to leave it, adores smelling it, and sometimes eats it…The cat covers it up if he can…”

“As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.”

CIA CAT
(P.S. – I have left you a coded message in the quotes above)

Do you see it?!?!?!?!

(hint – sometimes it’s best to go vertical instead of horizontal)

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Slutty Halloween, you know it’s your favorite time of the year

Slutty Halloween was last Saturday.  Monday is cute and fuzzy Halloween when little rug rats run around in Power Rangers and Hello Kitties costumes, knocking on doors and screeching Trick or Treat at sound decimals I can’t hear but Poopsy next door obviously can per his ongoing howling all night.

Slutty Halloween is when all us “adults” squeeze ourselves into “costumes” that we say are “hilarious” but we secretly wish we could wear everyday.

My costume? Mother Earth.

No... not that one

That one! KABAM!

Yes that’s a bird on my head… yes I put a bird on it… yes I’m from Portland… No, I don’t notice anything else besides the bird when I look at that picture… oohhh do you mean the beer?

Anywho, me and my 2 lovely ladies Kim and Ashley went to a local Pub’s Halloween Costume Party, and because I was the Designated “Don’t Go Home With That” Girl not only can I remember all of the awesome moments that happened that night, but I took pictures!

Ashley met Captain Kirk:
This was epic as 1. it’s Captain Kirk and 2. Ashley made his geek life.  This is how it went down:
Ashley: ppppssssssssss Mona ppppppssssssss Mona.

Me: From now on I’m only going to answer to Oh Great And Wonderous Mother Earth.

Ashley: … Mona.

Me: What?

Ashley: Captain Kirk just sat down next to you.

Me: Shut the bulk head doors, we totally need a pic of him and you!!

Ashley: On it… Hi Captain Kirk can I get a picture?

Captain Kirk: Sure, you want me to take a picture of you and your friend?

Ashley: no, I want a picture with you.

Captain Kirk: …. seriously?  You and me?… OKAY!!!

Next great moment was Kim meeting Hanz… or was it Franz?:
Kim: hhhhmmmmm attractiveness at 2 o’clock.

Me: Really? Okay let’s go say hi… HI!

Ashley: Mona! That’s 5 o’clock.

Me: oh hahahahaha so sorry sir, um… nice fish bowl.

5 o’clock: It’s a magnifying vision screen.

Me: of course it is.

Kim: Seriously Mona?  You thought that was attractiveness?

Me: Hey to each her own! I don’t judge, besides he looked horny… HA! GET IT!?!… why is no one high fiving me?

Kim: …

Ashley: Honey, Kim’s looking at the tall chauffeur dude over there.

Me: Oh, he looks gay… and German, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m half German.

Kim: Whatever, I’m heading over…  Hi! Great Costume!

Hans or Franz: Thanks, I’m always being mistaken for being a gay german guy so I thought I’d dress like one.
(people I swear to Chuck Norris that’s what he said. Not. Making. This. Crap. Up!)

Roller Derby Girl aka Kim... and a German Gay Dude aka Hans... or Franz.

My awesome moment was when I caught the bunny:
Me: I don’t mean to go all Alicey on you, but did you just see a bunny go by?

Ashley: no… but have you noticed that guy with the cheek bones is staring over here… a lot.

Me: ya, he’s staring at you.

Ashley: How can we be certain he’s not staring at your… ya know.

Me: My bird? No, pretty sure it’s you, let’s go get a picture with him and we’ll be able to tell who he’s staring at…

Me: Well that answers that question… THERE! He just went by again! Did you see him? Please tell me you saw the bunny!

Ashley: Holy Crap I totally did!  That’s Awesome! Lets go catch him and get a picture!

Then finally there was the awesome moment that almost got us kicked out of the party:

Me: There’s some sort of commotion going on by the bar with King Kong.

Ashley: Hey Mona! Look! Look at me!

Me: Hold on, I’m trying to figure out… oohhhh it looks like someone stole King Kong’s hands, that’s so sad.

Ashley: Mona! Mona! Mona! Look! Look! Look!

Me: What’s the big… crap.

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Dad aka TRAITOR!

After CIA Cat sent the last email regarding her outrage with the neighbors feeding the squirrels, I decided it best she know the truth… I don’t hide things from my cat… especially if it means I might be bumped up to favorite parent.

From: Mona
To: CIA Cat
Subject: RE: Fuzzy Tail Rat Update!

CIA Cat… brace yourself… your father feeds the fuzzy tail rats aka ‘squirrels’ nuts from our window, the same window you look out each day while we’re gone…

Your loving (non-squirrel feeding) Mother

From: CIA Cat
To: Mona
Subject: RE: RE: Fuzzy Tail Rat Update!

CIA CAT IS OUTRAGED! – WHAT THE !@#!*! Dad really feeds them?!? Seriously, Dad doesn’t have enough to do without feeding THE ENEMY!!!! Feed on them – fine! – But FEED THEM!?!

This outrage has brought upon a poem:

Squirrel, scourge of the yard,
I bet you taste delicious,
om, nom, nom, nom, nom

Seriously, if I had tear ducts I’d would have shed a few for this poem – and dad’s poor judgement.

Now I see why the squirrel was laughing at me! Wait till Dad finds the little present I left for him, he’ll regret his action. He’ll find it when he LEAST expects it! Buahahaha!

CIA Cat

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My cat’s video choices concern me

Got another email from CIA Cat… and no, I still have no idea who’s writing them. 

To:Mona
From CIA Cat
RE: Fuzzy Tail Rat Update

CIA Cat here with a disturbing update!

Now, I see these little rats with fuzzy tails in the trees all the time! Some of those nasty neighbors even feed the damned things! You know which one – the one that gives you the ‘stink eye’ now and then! Of all the nerve!~ Unless they’re feeding them so that I can get closer to catching my own food while the pesky little suckers are eating! But, alas, try as I might, they are just too fast, and I’m pretty sure they use their tails to put up some kind of force field while they are running so I can’t catch them.

Is he laughing at me?!

hahahahahaha

Can you believe it? One of these days I tell ya…

What’s even worse, sometimes, he and his friends gang up on me by acting like they are just chasing each other around, trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Heh, like that will ever happen. I know your tricks Fancy Tailed Little Rat Devils!

On top of everything, they always try to look sooooo cute, believing they can out-cute CIA Cat! It’s an OUTRAGE that they think they can get away with this!

So, I was looking around on the internet about squirrels, since the web offers a plethora of information on how to plot their ultimate demise, and I came across this….

Singing Squirrels!

That just isn’t funny!

How do they allow this kind of thing to go on! It hurts my little brain just to think about it!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, I am going back to contemplate all I have read and seen today. Mother you call this sleeping, but little do you know, this is me coming up with an idea to take over some day, and you will have to wait for me to feed you!!

Sincerely,
CIA Cat

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It started with holy dancing and then heaven blew up

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Okay… now my cat’s bisexual… I’m so proud.

The ongoing soap opera that is CIA Cat emailing me continues…

We last left with CIA Cat “slipping” that she was a lesbian, since then she emailed again trying to explain the slip… I’m not buying it.

T0:Mona
From: CIA Cat

Yes it is I – CIA Cat.  I forgot to mention in the previous cat-munication that CIA Cat is – wait for it – experimenting with same sex relationships! (Tom Cats still purrfered) There – now you know – the cat is out of the bag!

Interesting… while CIA Cat’s excuse makes sense, I have another hypothesis for the reason of the slip.  Whichever one of my diabolical friends has started this “CIA Cat Emailing Escapade” did not know that CIA Cat is a girl.

This new discovery has removed Susan as a suspect, as she’s cat sat for me many times and knows that CIA Cat is a girl.

So, who is it? I’m creating a new list of suspects and will be watching them very closely, until then… TRUST NO ONE!

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My cat’s here, she’s queer, get use to it!

I received another email from CIA Cat and it really opened my eyes, you’ll understand why per my response.

From: CIA Cat
To: Mona
Re: It’s on.

Greetings Mommy Dearest!
(So be it – I will abide by the Mother reference)

CIA Cat here – and I thought you would NEVER leave this morning.  There is a lot of work for a cat to do when a cat is only awake for a couple hours a day.

But let’s get to the point! CIA Cat is not happy!

To quote the most glorious Puss ‘N Boots – “Whatever Happens… I must not … cry… “

I’ve worked hard on purr-fecting this ample behind and have no intention of removing one ounce of this delectable cat goodness.  As you may know, you’ve discovered my deep dark secret – yes – that’s right – I’m in to Pussy Porn!  (NOT Kitty Porn as you have previously suggested – DISGUSTING – I am NOT a Kitaphile!) Not only that, but on occasion, when no one is around, I turn on the cat cam and let the female felines get a glimpse of the awesomeness that is CIA CAT.  I have found the extra pounds drive the ladies crazy – I’m like catnip to them!

So! With that said. – I have news for you!  You know how I daily indulge you by presenting my forehead for kisses? HA! Just before I lean in for that kiss – I’ve licked my butt – transferred the yummy goodness to my paw and smeared the tidbits of my apparently “FAT CAT ASS” all over the freshly presented forehead you’re so happily pressing your lips against.  The most Cat-astophically funny part is when you also rub your face all over it.  Buahahahahaha… BAM! CIA Cat, one! – Mommy Dearest, ZERO!

‘Till next time,
CIA Cat aka Angry Puss!

And here’s my reply.

To: CIA Cat
From: Mona
RE: RE: It’s On

Dear CIA Cat,

I didn’t know you were a lesbian.  I’m not sure if this is how you intended me to find out or this was a slip.  But with your comments of “I turn on the cat cam and let the female felines get a gimpse…” and “… the extra pounds drive the ladies crazy…” I’m assuming this was how you wanted me to find out… seeing how you’re a female cat yourself… what’s the score now CIA Cat?

Much Love,
Your Proud Mother

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Because it’s whimsical dammit!

So if you didn’t read my blog yesterday, and if you didn’t I’m sure you had a good reason.  Here are a couple of reasons I deem good enough for not reading my blog; you were involved in an alien abduction and are currently being probed, you were blinded in a tragic accident, but are so dedicated to me, you’re paying the nurse to read my blog out loud right now, or you met Nathan Fillion and have him currently locked in your bedroom as a love slave… mmmmmm Nathan Fillion love slave… nice.

Anywho, yesterday I received an email from CIA Cat, which I quickly replied .

Is she sticking her tongue out at me?

So now I have the job of figuring out who could actually be sending the CIA Cat emails.  No, I dont’ think CIA Cat is really sending the emails.  Why?… cause she’s a cat, try to keep up.

Suspect #1 – Tif
My loyal co-worker/friend.  This type of thing is right up her alley, the alley of screwing with Mona.  However, she was the first person I called when I got the email. And by the way she sprinted to my desk to read the email, along with her tearing up at the sheer genius of it, leads me to believe she was as surprised as I was and therefore is not the emailer.

Suspect #2 – Hubby
I would LOVE it if it was Hubby.  That would mean he just pretends not to read my blog and doesn’t think the fact that I’ve created an evil nemesis out of our family cat is “stupid”.  But after a 2 minute conversation with him, he was quickly dropped as a suspect.

Me: So I got a pretty interesting email today.

Hubby: uh huh.

Me: Ya, it was from… CIA CAT!! DU DU DUUUUUUU!!!
(yes, I did make the DU DU DUUU dramatic music noise)

Hubby: What?

Me: CIA Cat emailed me about what she did today AND that you gave her a second helping of food for breakfast… DU DU DUUUUUUU!

Hubby: Stop doing that! 

Me: sorry

Hubby: Babe are you telling me that someone found your private email and contacted you as our cat to say that they’re watching you?

Me: Well when you say it like that it’s creepy.

Hubby: That’s because it is creepy! 

Me: NO! It’s… Whimsical!

Hubby: No, it’s creepy and how did they know I gave her a second helping?

Me: I KNEW IT!  Just cause she gives you sad eyes doesn’t mean you give her more food, she’s getting huge!  And don’t think I didn’t tell her that when I replied.

Hubby: You replied?! BABE!

Me: Oh calm down, it has to be someone I know.  I was just hoping it might be you, obviously not.

Hubby: Obviously, cause I’m not creepy.

Me: Whimsical dammit!

Suspect #3 – Susan
My dear, dear wine drinking friend Susan, who LOVES my blog and CIA Cat. Plus at our last wine tasting event she mentioned I should create a Facebook page for CIA Cat. This proves that the idea of CIA Cat and the internet is on her mind.  So I texted her.

Me: Did u do anything… interesting today??

Susan: Work doctor & now Ashley’s. Why? Whatsup?

Me: Got an email from CIA Cat…

Susan: Unm.  That emsil wasnt clever enuff to b from me

Me: … really?  Kinda sounded like you.

Susan: You are not groend any more. As soon as I get home im defriending you

Me: … I’m not what??

Me: Hello???

Me: Susan???

She hasn’t replied since… interesting.

Case solved? We’ll see if CIA Cat emails again… DU DU DUUUUUU!

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It’s all fun and games until your cat starts an email war

Per my last post CIA Cat has started sending me emails… ya, read that again if you have to.  So below is my reply titled… It’s on.  (click on it if too small to read).

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THIS JUST HAPPENED!

It’s finally happen… and I would just like to state… I KNEW IT!

I just received an email from … CIA CAT.

PEOPLE I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP!  Read the email below (click on it to make it bigger).  I’m currently drafting a reply.

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