And then I peed my pants

Posted on February 14, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Well that’s it people, I have officially seen the funniest thing I’m ever gonna see. The world holds no mystery for me anymore.

When? Last night

Where? Our living room

Who? CIA Cat, Hubby, and Me

What? The Laser Pointer

Why?… okay let me explain.

Hubby was in the bedroom ranting about my inability to hang things up after wearing them.

I was in the living room trying to get CIA Cat to exercise by teasing her with the laser dot and shouting out pithy comments to Hubby about his inabilty to aim straight.

CIA Cat decided she was bored with me and the bouncy red dot and flopped on her back with a “MEOWER!”, Which I believe translated to “Ah fuck all of you”.

Before I could shout out to Hubby that CIA Cat had just used the F word, Hubby came flying threw the air from the bedroom. He landed on all four and began pouncing on the laser red dot, leaping back and then forward and then back again, swatting away at the little red dot like it was on fire.

I, at first, was in shock but regained composure and pointed the red dot at Hubby’s butt. He quickly spun around and around swatting at his butt, then rolled over to the wall where the red dot was now mocking him and slapped away at it until I pointed it to the kitchen where he took off after it, still on all four.

I was dying with laughter, Hubby was totally invested in his play acting, and CIA Cat (and seriously people I’m not making this shit up) CIA Cat sat on the floor with her mouth opened staring after him.

I’m guessing that she had been about to start cleaning herself when Hubby suddenly made his surprise entrance causing her to stop in mid-motion and leave her mouth open while she watched the show, ya I’m sure that’s the realistic reason why she was sitting there sprawled back on her haunches with her mouth wide open… But I prefer my reason, which is, we finally just seriously shocked the hell out of her.

I weep that there is no photo documentation of this great event. But like all great moments in time, ya just had to be there.

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I SO should have been arrested

Posted on February 13, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

During our afternoon walk the girls and I started talking about shoes, which led to men, which led to uniforms, which led to getting pulled over… still with me?

So we all started sharing our best pulled over stories and surprise surprise, I won.

It was 8 years ago, Hubby and I were living in LA and we had just bought our Audi. Now you have to understand, this was the first NEW car I’d ever owned and we’d only had it for 2 days.

So it was around midnight and I was driving downtown to pick up Hubby from a really late night at the office. I had just got on the the 101, and because there was no one on the freeway, just kinda let the car go.  Suddenly I saw headlights coming up fast behind me and I thought “oh look at this asshole trying to catch up cause he wants to race, what a douche”, then the “douche” turned his police lights on… ya.

At this point I look down at the speedometer and see that I’m going 95 miles an hour… in a 55.

Well I instantly pull over, but then “douche” announces over his loudspeaker that I need to continue to the next exit and pull over at a SAFE location.

Oh great, I think, now I’ve probably really pissed him off for pulling over at an unsafe location after going 40 miles over the speed limit.  I take the off ramp and pull over at a gas station right on the corner.

Officer Douche walkes up to my drivers side window and shines a flashlight in my face… rude, but I’m gonna let it go.

Me: Hello officer sir. (politeness always a good thing)

Officer D: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I was speeding… a little.

Officer D: … Where are you heading to?

Me: Picking my Hubby up from work, downtown.

Officer D: Hhmm, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: 90…ish.

Officer D: 96

Me: Really? I thought it said 95 when I looked down after seeing your lights.

Officer D:…

Me: Sorry Officer sir, we just got this car and I had NO idea I was going that fast! My last car was a 1983 Subaru Sedan named Oliver, cause he was green, and the fastest he could go was 50 and if I tried to go faster then that he would start shaking like a…

Officer D: Maam have you been drinking?

Me: NO! No seriously I haven’t, I always talk like this and especially cause I’m nervous and you’re armed and..

Officer D: Okay I’m gonna need you to follow my finger with your eyes, without moving your head.

Me: oh okay

(He moved the finger left, right and I must have passed, cause he looked surprised and asked for my license and registration)

Me: oh… um… okay. We just bought this car and I’m not quite certain where the registration is (or what it looked like).

I pulled out the big binder the dealership had given us and began pulling out random pieces of paper.

Me: Is this it?

Officer D: No

Me: This?

Officer D: Nope

Me: How bout this one?

Officer D: Not even close

Me: This one?

Officer D: Yes

Me: WOO HOO!

Officer D: Thank you maam, please stay in your car and I’ll be back.

So by now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m getting a ticket and have begun working out ways of making sure Hubby doesn’t find out.  I decided I would open up a bank account in my name, transfer funds to it and use that to pay off the ticket, Hubby would never know.  But then I realized that the insurrance would probably go up, especially since I had been going 41 miles over the speedlimit. Then that got me thinking how much is a ticket for 41 miles over the speed limit? Isn’t a ticket like $10 for every mile over the speed limit? HOW MUCH IS $10 TIMES 41!?!? Oh man I am so royally screwed!

At this point Officer Douche comes back and I reached out to take my ticket.

Officer D: Here’s your license and registration back.

Me: thank you

Officer D: You may want to really examine that registration so you’ll be able to find it a little easier in the future.

(ha ha Officer D ha ha)

Me: thank you

Officer D: I’m gonna let you off with a warning.

Me: YOU’RE WHAT!?!? But I was going 41 miles over the speed limit!!

Officer D:… I know, and try not to do that anymore.

Me: OH NO SIR OFFICER SIR! Thank you so much!!

So I put my papers away, waved at Officer Awesome, and drove to Hubby’s work.

Me: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!?!

Hubby: Babe it’s late and I’m tired and…

Me: I GOT PULLED OVER FOR GOING 96 IN A 55 AND DIDN’T GET A TICKET!!!

Hubby: WHAT!?!

Me: RIGHT!?!?! ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!!

Hubby: What was wrong with the officer that pulled you over? Not only should you have got a ticket, but that could be considered reckless driving and he could have arrested you!

Me: Well I gave a good reason, I was picking you up and the car was new and Oliver always started shaking if I was going over the speedlimit and I don’t have any tickets on my record, and I think maybe he felt sorry for…

Hubby: Did you show him boobage?

Me: BABE!!

Hubby: Well, it’s outragious that you didn’t get a ticket! If I had been pulled over going that fast I would have got a ticket and been sitting in jail by now!!

Me: So you wanted me to get a ticket that could have possibly been a $1,000 and arrested?

Hubby: YES! It would have taught you a lesson!

Me:… It did.

Hubby: Really?

Me: Ya, you can take the metro home from now on, lesson learned.

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Check Mate Hubby… Check Mate

Posted on February 10, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So, like always, I was bugging convincing Hubby that we need to get a puppy.

Me: I would totally take care of it. You wouldn’t have to do anything!

Hubby: Don’t believe you.

Me: Think of all the joy it would bring into our lives!

Hubby: Think of all the peeing, pooping and drooling it would bring into our lives.

Me: We could take it everywhere we go. We could take it to the park, out for walks, and camping!

Hubby: We dont camp.

Me: We would! Cause we want it to get fresh air and excercise!

Hubby: Why don’t we just have a baby?

Me: Crazy man says what?

Hubby: I’m serious.  All those reasons you just listed for a puppy work for a baby too.

Me… um… okay… do you want a baby?

Hubby: Well ya, and you’re not getting any younger.

Me: You may want to stop talking as you’ve just stepped on a bitch slap mine and it may go off with your next word.

Hubby: Shut up you know what I mean, can’t woman not have babies after a certain age?

Me: um ya but I think I’ve still got some time… But ya… ya… I think it is time.  Okay I’ll make an appointment with my doctor to get my birth control stopped and then… ya… IT’S BABY MAKING TIME!

Hubby:… wow… okay… so… well there’s really no rush, I mean… um…I don’t want to pressure you.

Me: No, no you’re not! This is a great idea!! Do you think you can get me pregnant before Christmas!? I totally want to send our holiday cards with a sonograms of the baby wearing a Santa Hat saying “Happy Holidays and Hell Just Froze Over!”

Hubby: You’re totally screwing with me aren’t you.

Me: No, I’m just calling your bluff.

Hubby:… tell me more about the puppy.

I WIN!!!!

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What I said… What I meant

Posted on February 6, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So we had a bit of a health scare at our house last night.  I think I handled it pretty well, on the outside.

It all started with an in-grown nose hair (seriously, doesn’t it always?).

Hubby: Babe, I think I have an in-grown hair in my nose.

Me: ow, that sucks.

Hubby: ya, or it could be a pimple.

Me: hhmmm interesting.

Hubby:… could you look?

Me: … what…really?

Hubby: Seriously honey, it’s killing me.

Me: *sigh* fine. Lay down, let’s see what we got.  Ten years of marriage and I’ve been demoted to nose checker… OH!

Hubby: What!? What do you see?

What I said: Um okay… I do see something.
What I was thinking: HOLY SHIT!!!

Hubby: and?

What I said: It looks like one side of the inside of your nostril is inflamed.
What I was thinking: IT’S A TUMOR! OH MY GOD HE HAS CANCER!!

Hubby: Inflamed? What does it look like?

What I said: Well, it’s a big red bump.
What I was thinking: TUMOR, CANCER, WHY GOD WHY!?! I’M GONNA BE A WIDOW… I CAN’T PULL OFF BEING A WIDOW! I’M 35 AND BLONDE… NO ONE’S GONNA FEEL BAD FOR A BLONDE 35 YEAR OLD WIDOW!?!?!

Hubby: Well let’s see what google says.

What I said: That’s a good idea.
What I was thinking: HE’S GONNA FIND OUT THE TRUTH FROM GOOGLE, HE WONT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT… DAMN YOU GOOGLE!!!

Hubby: Okay, it says it’s an allergy reaction and I should take some Benadryl.

What I said: Oh good, we have some in the bathroom.
What I was thinking: YOU FOOL IT’S NOT ALLERGIES!! IT’S A FREAKING TUMOR THE SIZE OF TEXAS!  OH GOD WHY, HE’S SO YOUNG AND I FINALLY GOT HIM TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!

(45 minutes later)

Hubby: It doesn’t hurt anymore, wanna check how it looks?

What I said: Sure
What I was thinking: HE’S NOT FEELING ANY PAIN? OH GOD, HE’S NOT FEELING ANY PAIN!… THIS IS THE END!!!

…

What I said:… huh… it’s really gone down, still red but definitley improving.
What I was thinking: HE’S CURED… IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!

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Zumba in 5 awkward steps

Posted on February 3, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Tif and I decided to test the fates and joined a Zumba class… it’s been two weeks and… WE LOVE IT!

Zumba is the dance of my people! My Latin, Spanish, Indian, Irish, People!

While I strongly urge everyone to join a Zumba class, I would like to offer a few morsels of Zumba wisdom.

#1 RESPECT THE ZUMBA BUBBLE!

If I’ve claimed my dance spot, DO NOT sneak up and stand directly behind me! Zumba involves much leaping, sashaying, and spinning with outstretched arms.  Did I feel bad about bitch slapping her?… Yes, but dude, she didn’t respect my bubble and anyways it was an accident… kinda.

#2 Men in your class are a onetime occurrence. 

There have been two men who’ve attended a class since I’ve been going. The first dude was like 60 and it was obvious his wife dragged him along and he seemed intrigued at first, until the first booby shake move came… he did his best, but we all knew he wasn’t coming back.

Guy number 2 was your classic “I’ve come to hit on you, feel honored”. He may have had a chance with some of the girls, except for the huge cast on his arm. The moment he did his first spin with outstretched arms, we scattered.  One poor girl wasn’t paying attention and almost got slammed into the next studio. He left sad and alone, with his cast, who I named Casty the Crusher.

#3 There is no pole, stop dancing like a stripper. 

SERIOUSLY! I know we’re all girls and we’re all shaking our hynees and booby thrusting, BUT please stop bouncing your ass in my face like you expecting me to slip a dollar in it! One, you’re not that good and Two, I’m married.

#4 This is Zumba! Not a library. Make some noise people!

This may come as a shock to you guys, but I’m a pretty vocal person and if I’ve just completed a jump, sashay, shimmy, leap, pivot, perfectly! I’m gonna let out a “HELLZ YA!”… please stop staring at me like I just dropped a deuce on the dance floor.

#5 If you fall… roll with it. 

During a really hard back jump run thing a girl fell down in front of me. For a fraction of a second I was embarrased/horrified for her, but then she used the falling momentum to tuck, roll, and spring back up on her feet totally nailing the next move like nothing happened… SHE WAS LIKE A GOD! A nimble, flying, dancing God!!

I told Tif that if I fell I was going to do the exact same move.  Tif pointed out that if I fell I would probably be laughing so hard I would just lay there and be trampled by the rest of the class… harsh Tif… true… but harsh.

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And that’s why I only do this once a F$*&@# year!

Posted on January 30, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

GOOD LORD!  Creating a new header collage could lead a person to drink… and since I do that already, it actually lead me to drink so much I had a complete weekend blackout.  Seriously. 

I remember sitting down at the computer ready to update the header and then waking up 2 days later… in my closet… wearing my prom dress… with an empty bottle of gin stuffed in my bra… and hubby standing over me with a look on his face that said “Is it too late for me to remarry and start over?”.

So here it is!! The completed 2012 header…yay, and now you’re probably wondering “WHO THE HELL ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?”  I’m glad you asked, but dude seriously… cap locks? seems a little rude, anywho here’s a brief description of the pics!

   My mommy and I in our tutus doing the Cinco de Mayo Race… we’re adorable.

 Ashley, Susan, and I doing our monkey impersonation… we’re adorable.

 CIA Cat and I during a moment of peace… we’re adorable!

 Hubby and I renewing our vows on the beach on our 10 year wedding anniversary… it doesn’t need to be said but… WE’RE ADORABLE!

 Ashley and I at Tricia’s wedding… they had a photo booth… with props… shit just got real!

 Hubby and me, being our adorable selfs.

 Me, Ashley, and Tricia wearing tutus during a kickball game… cause that’s the way we roll.

 Kim, Ashley, and I at the greatest Halloween party I’ve ever been to… you know why.

So there you go, the new header for 2012! And if I’m lucky, I’ll be hit by a semi before it’s time to update it again in 2013.

… could you imagine if I was actually hit by a semi then everyone would be like “oooohhhh ddaaammnnn, she totally jinxed herself!”… okay just threw salt over my shoulder, knocked on wood and kissed a black cat… wait… I think one of those things doesn’t belong… and great, now I have Sesame Street stuck in my head.

UPDATE!
A week late I realized I left out a picture of the 2 people who I’m constantly posting about in this blog… *sigh* suckiest blogger ever.

This, however, has been remidied (is that how you spell that? I’m too lazy to spell check… ugh seriously worst blogger ever):
 Me and the famous Tif, my friend/co-worker/sarcasim soul-mate.

Sheri and I at the holiday wine tasting.
Sheri: Mona isn’t this tasting great?

Me: YA! I have mustaches in my purse!!

Sheri: Is that a euphemism for how excited you are?

Me:… no… I actually have press on mustaches in my purse…

Sheri: oh… SWEET!

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Prepare yourselves… This Is Happening!

Posted on January 28, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

It’s finally time people!  The header is changing this weekend!

I know I’ve hinted to this before, BUT it’s really happening… seriously… I mean it… Why are you looking at me like that… THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! 

To prove how serious I am, here are a couple of 2011 pictures being considered for the honor of being part of the header collage:

#1 Tutu + Kickball = Awesomeness

Image

#2 Renew of the Vows (aka freezing our asses off)!

Image

#3 Who What Huh?

Image

#4 When Uni’s ATTACK!

#5 Ashley and I get Classy

Image

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Geek should only marry Geek

Posted on January 25, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby’s back from Mexico… and he’s not dead… YAY!!!

There is nothing like your loved one visiting family in a drug cartel controlled village and coming back alive to really make you appreciate them. 

Hubby read over my shoulder and said that he wasn’t in a drug cartel controlled village, to which I replied “it’s Mexico”.  Pretty sure I won that argument.

Anywho, being so happy Hubby’s home I gave him a big kiss before I left for work and said “I love you”, and he replied “I know”. I instantly geeked out and said that was the awesomest thing he’s ever said to me.  He looked at me blankly and said “ok” and went back to his cereal. 

This just proves what I’ve always believed. Geek should only marry Geek! Otherwise moments like these are wasted!!

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Suicidal Beds and Flying Shoes, Just Some of the Things I Miss When Hubby’s Gone.

Posted on January 23, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby is currently visiting family in Mexico. Not the fun, umbrella in your drink and cabana boy, Mexico. No, he’s in the scary, possibly drug cartel driven, Mexico… so I didn’t go. 

And that means… I’m lonely… very lonely… very lonely and lying in a big empty bed.

I hate big empty beds.

Big empty beds suck. Big empty beds can just go jump off a cliff, well as long as I’m not in the big empty suicidal bed when it jumps. But if I was in it then it wouldn’t be empty, so there would be no reason for it to jump at all… wow… that’s mind boggling… it’s like the chicken and the egg question.

This then got me thinking about all sorts of other mindboggling questions, like lonely trees falling in forests, and woodchucks chucking, and the gravitational pull of buttered toast and then I realized I WAS WIDE AWAKE AND NEVER FALLING ASLEEP!!!

AARRGGGHHHH!!!

You really need someone else around you when you’re pondering the real earth shattering questions. 

If Hubby was here he would somehow be able to rationalize it and give very Spock like logical answers for all of them.  And then that would anger me and I would shout “Oh, you take everything too seriously!” And he would yell “Well, you don’t take anything serious at all!” And I would retort with an impressive “UH HUH!” And then he would say something smart and cleverly annoying and I would reply by throwing a shoe at his head.

This would go on for a good 13 minutes finally ending with Hubby yelling I need to control my Irish temper and me replying with some reference to my ass or a leprechaun, or both, and then I would slam the bedroom door shut, leap into bed, and fall asleep instantly… oh  god… I miss Hubby.

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It’s snowing… que the crazies

Posted on January 18, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

There is really just one thing you need to know about Portland, Oregon.  Even though we are located in ‘The Great Northwest” we very rarely get snow especially downtown, and since that’s where I live I’m totally okay with this.

Well last night the annoying happened… it snowed.

Now I did not find this out by waking up to see the big white fluffy flakes of evilness falling from the sky, no I found it out when I was woken up at 1am by screaming.

So this is how the events transpired (BAM word of the day used! Transpired: To become known; come to light.)… anywho. I awoke sitting bolt upright in bed yelling something along the lines of… “SHITWHOWHATHUHTHEFUCK!?!?!”  I’m can get a little turretsy if woken up suddenly out of a deep sleep. 

Unfazed by my run-on profanity, Hubby rolled to his side patted my leg and told me to go back to sleep, which actually sounded more like “go… you… sleep…now…zzzzzzz” and he wasn’t patting me on the leg… but like I said it was late and we were both still part awake and part asleep, so let’s continue.

“Why I up?” I asked suspiciously staring around our bedroom looking for a burglar trying to hide behind a lampshade or possibly a monster’s tail disappearing back into the closet.

“girl… screaming…snozzzz” was Hubby’s muffled response from beneath his pillow.

“OH MY GOD”, I yelled, now wide awake I leapt out of bed.  “BABE! A girl screaming!?! Where’s my phone we have to call 911! Fuck that, where’s your golf bag!?!” I began pulling on the first items of clothing I could find within arm’s reach, which ended up to be an old high school sweatshirt that was way too small and a pair of Hubby’s pants that, sadly, fit okay.

“mmmm… no golf now… zzzzz”, Hubby said burrowing himself deeper underneath the covers. 

“NO, I want your new driver!  I’m about to go four all over someone’s ass!”  By now I’ve found the golf bag, grabbed the club, and was heading for the front door.

“k… has fun… WHAT?” Hubby shot straight up in bed and looked around for me. “NO! YOU! BACK! NOW!”

“No!” I yelled trying unsuccessfully to open the door, not yet realizing that the deadbolt was still in place. “I gotta go get vigilante! What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. This. Door!?!”

Hubby staggered out of bed and over to me grabbing the golf club “gimmie”.  I held on tight, “NO, babe this is serious I girl is being attacked!” this started a tug of war that probably could have gone on for a while when I heard the girl in “peril”.

Girl: “NO, NO, NO OOOHHH YOU ASS THAT WAS COLD!”

Me: What did she say?

Girl: “GET AWAY, GET AWAY AAAAHHHHHHHH, IT GOT IN MY EYE!”

Me: huh?

Girl: “THAT’S IT I’M GONNA GET YOU, EAT THIS! YA HOW’S THAT TASTE?!”

Me: … okay what’s going on?

Hubby: look outside.

I walked over to our window and peaked out through the blinds. It was snowing and 2 girls were having a very loud snowball fight, at 1 am.

Me: I hate snow.

Hubby: Are you wearing my pants?

Me: … I’m going back to bed, fucking snow.

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