Oh good grief…

Posted on April 3, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

There are certain things some people should just not do.

 Blind People should not give friends haircuts
700 pound women should not wear mini-skirts
I should not attempt to slide into a base

… guess which one of these things happened this weekend? Well if you went to Walmart it could have been #2, BUT if you were at a park in Portland you probably saw #3.

 I don’t know what I was thinking. I play kickball for the love of doning funny knee high socks, overindulging in jell-o shots and wearing a tiara… like everyone. I DO NOT play it for the love of being active or sporty! Mainly because I’m against sweating and almost all things that lead to it, BUT mostly because I have NO skill, athleticism, balance, coordination, etc… forever.

 So I had all that going against me, PLUS it was ridiculously muddy, and I was tipsy… really tipsy.  This became quickly evident when I couldn’t make up my mind between sliding feet first or hands first, so I chose the middle ground and went boob/knees first… not my finest moment.   

This was just some of the commentary I heard from my “loyal” team while making a huge ass out of myself, literally, my butt stayed in the air the whole time, p.s. did I mention I wear a sport skirt when I play?

 SLIDE MONA SLIDE!

She doesn’t know how!

Oh. My. God.

What just happened?

That was Mona sliding.

YOU’RE OUT!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

That was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Should one of us pull her skirt back down?

She’s not moving… someone poke her.

No, no she’s good. She’s raising her hand.

No… she’s raising her finger.

RUDE!

Okay seriously, someone pull her skirt down!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Thank God I had my Tequila Lime Gummy Worm Jell-O shots to help ease the emotional and physical pain.


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Be grateful, it could have been a different finger.

Posted on March 28, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So I’m usually pretty darn chipper in the morning, I know SHOCKING, but most of the times I can roll out of bed with a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. 

This morning started out that way until… while jumping out of bed I landed on one of my high heels laying on the floor, this caused me to swear like a sailor and jump backwards… stepping on CIA Cat, who retaliated by scratching the crap out of the offending foot and then jumping up onto the bed and running across Hubby’s face… which then caused Hubby to yell at ME for waking him up… ya not a good morning.

After a cold shower (thank you crappy water heater) and stabbing myself in the eye with my toothbrush (don’t ask), I finally started my walk to work.  By now I believed that this morning was probably a sign of the rest of my day and perhaps I should just go home now to avoid any more disasters or step in front of a moving bus, which ever was easier.

I was contemplating my options while standing on the sidewalk waiting for the light to change.  A girl walked up and stood next to me, we did the usual head nods at each other and she turned to watch the light, while I silently coveted her coffee.

Suddenly we hear the hard revving of an engine.  We look over and see a yellow BMW spinning its tires and then gunning it as the light changes.  The complete dorkmyster that is the driver looks over at us as he races by.

I have a finger L to my forehead and the girl is laughing so hard she snorts her coffee.  The look on his face shows these were not the reactions the dorkmyster was going for; I however felt immensely better and happily walked on to work.

Thanks Loser Dorkmyster Dude and Coffee Snorting Girl for helping salvage my craptastic morning.

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Tiaras and Ascots first kickball game!… shit

Posted on March 26, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay so last Sunday was the first game for my kickball team, Tiaras and Ascots.

Our team is full of newbie kickballers so I made sure to set us up in the lowest/easiest league available… the F league.  I like to think the F stands for FUN!… not failure…

So we had got to the park early to partake in some drinking warm ups and by the time the other team’s captain came over, we were REALLY warmed up.  This is how the conversation went down.

Tiffany – Hi I’m Tiffany, Captain of the Hydjakids.

Me – YAY! I’M MONA!! CAPTAIN OF TIARAS AND ASCOTS!! DO YOU WANT A JELL-O SHOT!?!

(yes I did yell the entire sentence, in fact I yelled the entire conversation)

Tiffany – Wow, um ya I do! Thanks.  So my team hasn’t arrived yet.

Me – NO WORRIES! DO YOU WANT WHIPCREAM ON YOUR SHOT!

Tiffany – Heck ya! Just so you know my team has never played for an official league before but they have played for Nike’s kickball team.

(I really should have taken this as a sign of things to come, but I was pretty warmed up and it went right over my head)

Me – I LIKE NIKE!

Tiffany – Oh good, here they come.

My team turned around to see her team walking across the field towards us.

Me – SHIT!

Ashley – Are they walking in slow motion?

Nick – does anyone else hear theme music?

You have to understand, the video below pretty much shows what we saw… needles to say we got spanked, 12 to 1.

 

 

 

 

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Here’s Your Bag…

Posted on March 22, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So kickball season is about to start which means I spent my lunch break stocking up on Jell-O shot ingredients… It’s a Portland thing.

I went to the local Safeway to purchase my Jell-O flavors and I just gotta say I was extremely disappointed with their selection, especially since they’re located right next to a University. By law they should have an entire aisle dedicated to Jell-O’s amazing flavor selection, but no they had strawberry, lemon, and lime… LAME!

After making my purchases I headed to the liquor store down the street, thinking it would be an easy stop to purchase vodka for my strawberry Jell-O and tequila for my lime… YA I AM!!

Anywho, I entered the store and headed to the vodka section… good lord.

Blueberry Vodka
Cherry Vodka
Coconut Vodka
Cranberry Vodka
Espresso Vodka
Fruit Punch Vodka
Grape Vodka
Mango Vodka
Orange Vodka
Peach Vodka
Pineapple Vodka
Raspberry Vodka
Vanilla Vodka
Whipped Vodka, so many whipped vodka flavors!

Clerk Dude: Can I help you with something?

Me: When did there get to be so many flavored vodkas?

Clerk Dude: Welcome to my Hell.

Me: I just need something for Kickball Jell-O Shots.

Clerk Dude: (not even hesitating) Gotchya, here you go.

He then placed the world’s largest container of vodka in front of me.

Me: Dude! (in shock)

Clerk Dude: $19

Me: DUDE! (in excitement)

Clerk Dude: Go big or go home.

Me: Word

I handed him my driver’s license and debit card.

Clerk Dude: HIGH-FIVE!

Never one to leave a Dude hanging; I jumped up and slapped his raised hand.

Clerk Dude: Way to NOT look your age girl!

Me: Oh thanks! The secret is not acting it.

Clerk Dude: Ha! With the backpack I thought you were some kid carrying home her books.

Me: Nope that’s for carrying my “purchases”, no brown paper bag for me, you know what people think of you when you walk out of a liquor store with a big brown bag!

At this Clerk Dude started busting up laughing… hard. Granted we had been having a pretty good word play going on but Dude, it wasn’t that funny. He then ducked behind the counter and came back up with a selection of bags.

Clerk Dude: They probably think something like this…

Just found my favorite liquor store in the world.

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Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this

Posted on March 21, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So I have a 2.4 mile walk to work that I’ve been doing for about 2 years and it can get a little monotonous.  So to liven up thing I sometimes set my feet on autopilot and let my mind go free to play.

 One of the things it likes to play is “WHAT IF?” A classic game that everyone plays… right?

 For an example I’ll tell you the WHAT IF it came up with on this morning’s walk.

 I was walking across the Hawthorne Bridge and noticed that the river water is really high and moving really fast, also a big truck had just gone by making the entire bridge shake.  WHAT IF… the bridge collapsed into the river?

 (Okay here’s how it plays out. )

While plummeting down I make sure to take a deep breath and plug my noise before hitting the water.  
Once in the water I shrug off my backpack and coat so they don’t drag me down. 
I begin my swim towards the shore while dodging bridge debris, BUT WAIT!
A woman is jumping up and down on the portion of the bridge still standing and pointing at something in the water by me!
I look over my shoulder to see a small child struggling against the current.
I know I have to get out of this water before hypothermia kicks in but… fuck it!
I quickly swim towards the child and attempt to pull her towards the shore, but in blind terror she lashes out at me.
I do the only thing I can to save both our lives and knock the 5 year old out cold, much easier to handle now, BUT WAIT!
The current has carried us past the open shore area and towards a waterfall… I know there’s not a waterfall in downtown Portland… SHUT UP, this is my story, there’s one there today!
People are running along the shoreline screaming for me to swim against the current faster. NOT HELPING PEOPLE!
Suddenly the Channel 2 News helicopter is hovering over me, obviously they’ve employed a pilot that used to fly in Nam cause he daringly positions the helicopter skids right next to me, inches above the water.
I grab on to the skid with one arm while the other arm encircles the unconscious girl, we rise up into the air and away from the falls, we’re saved! BUT WAIT!
The girl suddenly slips from my arms and I’m just barely able to grab the hood of her coat before she plummets to her death!
The crowed first screams in panic and then erupts in cheers at my amazing catch; the mother has fainted from my sheer awesomeness.
The pilot lowers us to the ground where I’m grabbed by the crowd, hosted onto their shoulders and carried through the city as a hero; it can’t get any better than that. BUT WAIT!
The mayor hands me a cell phone, it’s Oprah Winfrey, she wants me to be her mentor, I say I couldn’t possibly, she starts crying and offering me millions of dollars to show her the way to be awesome like me. *sigh* okay Oprah, you win…

… so ya… that’s what I do when I walk to work… how bout you?

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Cause you just didn’t drink enough…

Posted on March 18, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Happy Day After St. Patrick’s Day!!!  And because I’m just sure you haven’t had enough reason to drink yourself into delusion this weekend… HERE’S EPISODE 3 OF 2 GEEKY GIRLY GIRLS… oohhh sorry, probably shouldn’t be shouting… ENJOY!!

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I swear I’m not doing this on purpose… I think

Posted on March 15, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So Hubby stopped talking to me because, “ You’ve used your Jedi mind tricks on me for the last time”… WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME!?!?!

Seriously I had no idea I was dipping into the force, I tried to get him to enlighten me on when I supposedly Jedi’d him but he wouldn’t tell me, all he said was “you know”…. NO I DON’T, THAT’S WHY I’M ASKING!!

In retaliation for, what I feel was, an undeserved silent treatment I followed him around the house asking, “Am I Jediing you now? How about now? Or now? Are these the droids you’re looking for? Did I just do it? Okay how about now?” Finally he graciously agreed to tell me, actually it was more like “GGAARRHHH, fine I’ll tell you! After I finish… so… GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!!!

So Hubby says that when I want something or, more particularly, when I want Hubby to get me something, I don’t ask, instead I “use the force” and trick him to get it for me.

Example #1
Me: I could totally go for some Cheez-Its, too bad we don’t have any.
Hubby: Ya we do, in the top kitchen cupboard.
Me: um no, pretty sure we don’t.
Then Hubby gets up, gets the crackers, and I supposedly fain surprise while eating all the crackers.

Example #2
Me: (in bed with my phone) Oh crap, I forgot to plug in my phone to charge.
Hubby: Use the cord that’s in here.
Me: No, it’s too short to reach the bed.
Hubby: no, it’s long enough.
Me: I don’t think so.
Then Hubby gets up, plugs the cord into my phone, and I supposedly fain surprise while continuing to play with my phone.

Hubby: SEE!?! You totally Jedi mind tricked me!

Me: Whatever, it sounds more like you’re a mister know it all, always having to prove me wrong!

Hubby: SERIOUSLY!?! You’re turning this on me!?!

Me: …

Hubby: What are you doing?

Me: …

Hubby: THE SILENT TREATMENT!?! You can’t give me the silent treatment!! I gave you the silent treatment FIRST!!!

Me: …

Hubby: FINE, IT’S ON! …

Me: …

Hubby: …

Me: …

Hubby: …

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Crotch grab the new way to say “Hello, Welcome to the Neighborhood!”

Posted on March 13, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

First off let me just say, I did not expect it to be THAT cold oustide!  Okay, granted, this is not a good enough reason for molesting myself in front of my new neighbor but… crap, let me start from the beginning.

So there are basically 2 factors that caused the “incident”.

1. It was really cold out… this is a REALLY important part and 2. The fabric of my slacks was EXTREMELY thin.

So when I stepped outside my building; 1 plus 2 equaled me thinking I had forgot to put pants on and grabbing my “self” to make sure I was actually wearing something… I don’t know why I grabbed “there”, maybe cause I thought I was standing outside my building with NO PANTS ON! And if that’s the case then “THAT” is the one thing you would want to cover, Fast! 

Well my self examination proved I was indeed wearing pants, which caused me to do this half laugh, half ecstatic sigh, that if heard by someone who didn’t know what was going on, could possibly describe it as… orgasmic, oh ya you’re beginning to see where this is going.

So I turned to start my walk to work and stopped to see my new neighbor standing there, staring at me, definitely looking like someone who didn’t know what was going on, but could possibly describe it as… .

I did the only thing I could think of  “Hi!, nippy out isn’t it!?! Hahahaha okay then, have a good day!”

I’m pretty sure she’ll be moving out soon. “Caught my neighbor pleasuring herself in front of the building” is definitly a lease breaker.

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2G3 Episode 2 – Top 10 Geeky Girly TV Shows!

Posted on March 9, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

2 Geeky Girly Girls have posted episode 2!  Watch Ashley and I fight it out to name our top 10 favorite TV shows, past and present! 

Brace yourselves people…. Ashley has never watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer *GASP*!

 

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Pretty sure your dog is politically incorrect and other stuff

Posted on March 9, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

I love my dear friend Ashley, but her taste in pets is f’d up and beginning to hurt our friendship. This was proved a few minutes ago when a little IM war broke out between her, me and Tif.

It all started when Ashley sent this picture with no text.

Me: DUDE! It’s a rat… it’s a rat only a mother could love… Good Lord, you’re not it’s mother are you!?!?

Ashley: She is cute!! Now you can’t be her aunt!

Me:… ooohhh nnnoooooo… please.. I really want to… nope. Sorry. Can’t pull it off.

Ashley: I hate you.

Me: Hey Tif! Check out what Ashley wants for a pet.

Tif: Wow. I mean. It’s kinda cute. In a really ugly sort of way.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Ashley: You are both uninvited to the bat-mitzvah!

Me: Careful, I’m pretty sure holy water will burn it.

Tif: Yeah I’m not up on the jewish people… But pretty sure you don’t hurl holy water at 13 year olds.

Me: Thanks for blowing my joke Tif. I WAS TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I’m not IMing anymore L

Ashley: Yes sweetie you’re sooo funny… Tiff go hug Mona, she’s having a moment.

Tif: I was just over there and she says she hates us both and doesn’t want my “traitor hug”.

Ashley: Oh she can’t hate me, it’s in our friendship agreement.

Tif: She says that’s on page 5 and she never initialed page 5.

Ashley: huh, that must be the same page as, “Friend is NOT allowed to make fun of future or current pets”.

Tif: oh now she’s blogging this, pretty sure we’ve been forgiven.

Ashley: Yay!

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