Apparently the TRUTH is not wanted in the courtroom… neither is nervous ranting… whatever

So as I mentioned in my last post, I was called in for Jury Duty, or Jury Service. Apparently, per our morning lecture orientation from the court house spokesman, ‘Duty’ is a forced act while ‘Service’ is an honor… okay…

Anywho, I sat in the waiting room for most of the morning watching other lucky people being called up to do their “service” and I began to realize something… I may not be picked.

This was an OUTRAGE! How could they not pick me? I would be an awesome juror! I would rock that courtroom! I would be like Perry Mason, making the guilty shout out their confession just by the raise of my eyebrow. I would be like Nancy Drew, finding the truth in my stylish pencil skirt and sensible pumps. I would be like… Holy Crap… they just called my name… WOO HOO!!!

So rule number one of becoming a Juror, don’t shout out ‘Woo Hoo’ when your name is called, ‘Here’ or ‘Present’ are the more acceptable responses, and will get you fewer eye raises and frowns.  Rule number two, just because they called your name, doesn’t mean you’re automatically on the Jury.

Once in the courtroom the Judge gave us a brief description of the case; driving under the influence and reckless driving. He then asked if anyone had any experience with a drunk driver. Being the honest gal that I am, I raised my hand.

Judge: Yes Juror number two, what was your experience?

Me: *snicker* (I’m juror #2) Yes your honor sir, a childhood friend of my husband’s was killed by a drunk driver.

Judge: Would this impact your deliberation towards the defendant?

Me: Oh no your honor sir, I mean it’s not like he’s the driver that killed Hubby’s friend… although I don’t know the name of the guy that did it, but I’m pretty sure it’s not this guy, cause you know he’s here and not in jail… so ya, probably not him.

Judge:… okay then.

The Judge then asked if any of the Jury had family or friends that are in law enforcement. And once again I raised my hand.

Judge: Yes, Juror number two?

Me: *giggle* (#2, it just doesn’t get old) Yes your honor sir, I have a friend that is a police officer.

Judge: Alright, when it comes to testimony being given are you more likely to believe the word of a police officer over other testimony?

Me: Hhhmmm, um ya, I would have to say I would believe the police officer over someone else, unless there was like really significant evidence proving that the police officer was lying, you know like some really obvious proof, like…. a smoking gun or something… but you probably wouldn’t have that in the court… cause you know… security and stuff… but maybe if the…

Judge: Thank you Juror number two!

Me: *tee hee* (still funny) No wait, what I meant was…

Judge: Yes, we get what you meant.

So there was some more questioning by the Judge and then the lawyers came up and asked certain jurors some more questions. No one asked me more questions… in fact they all made a point of not making eye contact with me.

We were then herded into a waiting room while the lawyers and judge discussed their picks for the Jury.

Me: I don’t think that went well.

Dude dressed as Luke Skywalker: No way man! You nailed it! There’s no way they’re gonna pic you!!

Me:… but I want to be picked.

Foe Skywalker: oh… in that case, ya you totally blew it.

I totally did, I was the first juror they dismissed when we were called back in. I was thanked for my “service” and time and told I wouldn’t be pulled for Jury Duty Service for another 2 years, but by the way the Judge was eyeing me I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever be pulled again.

p.s. Dude dressed as Luke Skywalker was picked to be on the Jury…

And apparently is the man you want on your Jury.

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If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, I’m in jail… but I’m sure it was totally worth it.

Well the inevitable has happened, I’ve been picked for Jury Duty.  THIS IS OUTRAGIOUS! I had a 5 year streak going of not receiving a jury duty notice. I actually believed someone had dropped my file behind a filing cabinet where I was now safe from selection… Hubby says they haven’t used file cabinets since the 80’s… WHATEVER! Doesn’t anyone have ANY respect for a streak?! 

Well since it’s been so long since the last time I was called up to the big house… Hubby says big house is jail and that I mean court house… okay, just finished throwing all inanimate objects within arm’s reach at Hubby to get him away from reading over my shoulder, let’s continue.

SINCE it’s been so long since my last duty, and I wasn’t even called to be on a jury, I decided to check online to see exactly what would be expected of me as a juror.

A Juror must be prompt… fuck.

A Juror must give his/her undivided attention to the trail… DUDE! I don’t even give my gynecologist my undivided attention and if you’re going to give someone your undivided attention, it should be the person sticking a large metal instrument up your woowoo… tmi?

A Juror must not research the case… BUT I ❤ GOOGLE!!

A Juror must not discuss the case with anyone… but, but, but, I blog… all aspects of the case are private… Dude, I blogged about my first Brazilian wax, NOTHING IS PRIVATE!!!

A Juror must not conduct independent investigations or experiments to verify testimony given in the case… LIES! They do it all the time on TV and in movies, who wrote these rules!? They obviously know NOTHING about the real world.

A Juror must be impartial until he/she hears all the evidence and law applicable to the case. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… sorry… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hubby’s back and just said he’s not paying for my bond when I get put in jail for contempt… I’m not in contempt, they’re in contempt, THIS WHOLE COURT ROOM IS IN CONTEMPT!!!!

Okay, I’m actually looking forward to this.

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Free ice cream… it’s a bitch.

So my work decided to be awesome and gave us a summer treat which included all the makings for sundaes. 

 

Not wanting to take the chance of someone grabbing my box of delicious awesomeness before I got home, I had my box delivered to work… I really should have thought that out more.

So, Friday my box of ice cream happiness and joy arrives… and it’s a little heavy… okay a LOT heavy.

see my foot for size ratio

 My original plan of just walking the 3 miles home while caring box of ice cream heaven is quickly thrown out the window.

I hunt on-line and find a Car2Go only 9 blocks away from my work, PERFECT!… again, really should have thought that out more.

Just the walk to the elevator has created a little sheen of sweat on my brow.  But I pressed on, I mean it’s only 9 blocks… how hard could it be?

Block 9 – No Problem, I’ve totally got this.

Block 8 – Okay arms are beginning to tingle a bit, but I got this.

Block 7 – Really starting to sweat now, and the shaking is new, but *grunt* I got this.

Block 6 – Shaking uncontrollable, arms on fire, maybe I should just readjust,I got… I DON’T GOT THIS! *CRASH*

Block 5 – Alright trying to carry it on head was a mistake, but that little lie down was nice, and now I’m refreshed and ready to go.

Block 4 – AAAAHHHHHH!! IT FEELS LIKE MY ARMS ARE FALLING OFF!! WHO GIVES A 100 POUND BOX AS A GIFT!!?!?

Block 3 – *sniff* *whimper* I can’t do it, it’s too heavy *sob* I’m not worthy of its sundae deliciousness inside.

Block 2 – COME ON!! You’re almost there. DON’T BE A PUSSY!! I can see the car!! YOU’RE AN ANIMAL, POWER THROUGH!!!

Block 1 – Fuck this. I’m leaving it here, I don’t want it *kick* ooohhh it moved *kick* *kick* *kick*

I finally got the box to the car and when I arrived home, called Hubby to come down and carry it up.

Hubby: Holy Crap! What happened to it!? Is that how it arrived?? It looks like someone kicked the shit out of it!!

Me: um.. ya.. Fedex… wow… really gone downhill…

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It should always end with a rainbow glitter bomb… or you’re doing it wrong.

So my Dornish Wine Revenge went off perfectly against Jake and I have to admit I was really giving myself a pat on the back for my revenge genius… until.

I received a post from my friend Ty and realized that when it comes to revenge, I’m a noob.

Ty: Your plan was creative, but Jake knows that’s he’s going to have a John Snow (aka bastard) at some point and has accepted it. So he probably wasn’t as embarrassed as you were at the wine shop.  Plus you just gave him a free bottle of wine.  It’s like you are giving him a prize for pranking you.

Me:… DUDE! I knew I should have gone with the ‘Congrats on Coming Out’ singing telegram!!

Ty: Yup and they glitter bomb him at the end with rainbow glitter.

Me: oooooohhhhhhhhhh rainbow glitter bomb, NICE! I’m coming to you for all my revenge ideas next time!!

RAINBOW GLITTER BOMB… you’re doing it right.

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Dornish Wine: Best Paired with Revenge, but Only When Served Cold

So you all remember my “friend” Jake and his little Dornish wine gag he pulled on me a couple months ago. And if you remember I swore I would get my revenge, preferably with an elephant. 

Well the elephant thing didn’t pan out, BUT after a very fantastic gathering of ladies and piña coladas another even better plan was formed. 

Ashley: Did you know that Peter and Sam work at the same place as Jake?

Me:… really? That. Is. Interesting!!

Ashley: Not that interesting… why are you doing your evil laugh… you know you can’t pull it off, it just sounds like you’re choking on a duck.

Me: Harsh. But focus, this means we have an in at Jake’s work. An in for operation “BITE ME TOE BOY”!

Tracy: … I don’t get it, why are we calling it that?

Ashley: Jake has this absurd fear of toes.

Tracy: Seriously? Who’s afraid of…

Me: FOCUS!

Tracy: Sorry

Ashley: I’m not sorry.

Me: No more Piña Colada for you!

Ashley: I’m sorry.

Me: Forgiven, OKAY so here’s the plan.

(Insert A Team “Describing the Plan” theme music here)

I will find a fake Dornish red wine label online to paste on a random bottle of wine.

I will make sure to include a witty description label on the back that references the book and ends with a hint of who sent the wine.

Tomorrow night Peter and Sam will bring a bunch of ‘You’re Going to be a Daddy’ balloons and leave them at Jake’s desk along with the wine, which will be in a gift bag.

Jake will come into work the next morning, see the balloons and quickly start thinking about all the women he’s slept with in the last 2 to 3 months.

Co-workers will come over to Jake to congratulate him on becoming a father, and then hurry back to their desks to IM the entire office that Jake is screwed.

If we’re lucky he’ll stress for a while before looking at the bottle of wine.

Once he does open the bag and look at the bottle of wine he’ll then throw his fists in the air and yell “MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

The end.

Tracy: That’s. Brilliant.

Ashely: I am both in awe of you and a little frightened of you.

Me: Yes, yes, this is good… it’s not an elephant… but it will have to do.

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And That’s How My Kickball Team Got Taken Out By a Small Convertible

I love my kickball team, Tiaras & Ascots.  You all know this as I’ve posted about their awesomeness a MILLION times.

But, I have to admit, I love our team mascot, Nigel, just a tiny bit more

WELL COME ON, Look at that face!!!!
p.s. Yes, that is a beer pack on his back and yes he does come to the command, “Nigel, Beer Me!”.

Back to what I was saying, I do love our team mascot but I’m beginning to think he may not love our team, as much as say… a ball.

Nigel like loves freaks the fuck out over balls. And one day our team made the mistake of standing next to a kickball.

Now, you need to understand, Nigel is basically the size of a Beetle Convertible.

And during our games he is always securely tethered, on a long leash, to an “immoveable” object.

So lets recap, entire team standing in a group, next to ball, all within leash distance of a very excitable Nigel.

What follows was not captured by film, but I have created an artistic rendition for your visual aid.

Dude, it was crazy, he clothesline the whole group! Tiaras, ascots, and beers were flying everywhere! Luckily no one was hurt… that badly. And an important lesson was learned; NOTHING will stop Nigel from getting a ball, not even an entire kickball team.

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Ha Ha Universe… HA. HA.

Having a bit of a low day today, so I’ve decided to think of all the happy things in my life to help bring me up… Alright, here we go.

I played kickball yesterday with my FAVORITE team, Tiaras & Ascots, YAY!… and we lost 0 – 30… Okay, let’s try that again.

I’m healthy! This is important as Hubby has only just recovered from his walking pneumonia and I never got it! So YAY to being healthy!… although I have gained 10 pounds in the last 7 days… that’s 1.42857 pounds a day… moving on.

We got almost all of our deposit back from our old apartment! That’s amazing since we were there for almost 4 years and after some small fires, paint explosions and kitty “accidents” I really didn’t expect us to get anything back, So YAY to unexpected money!… but we just receive a letter from the IRS regarding an internal audit and now we owe them more then originally thought … Oh $*&%$.

Okay but speaking of letters I finally got all of our contact information changed so all our mail is now coming to the new address YAY!!!… and the City of Portland thanked me for this by sending me a jury duty notice…

Okay, fuck it, I’m staying depressed, obviously it’s what the universe wants, and who am I to go against the universe!?!?!?

See!? The Universe driver is totally laughing at me… not cool dude, not cool.


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WOW! I Mean… WOW!

The minute I clicked the publish button on my I’m sad post yesterday, I was hit with a feeling of dread.

Not the current “I’m the whale falling through the sky from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, after he realized the was about to hit the ground” dread. No it was more of a “Oh My God! I just told everyone about something I’ve been trying SO hard to hide… AAAAHHHHHHHH!” dread.

Well thank goodness I hit that button. Almost instantly I was getting texts, emails, phone calls and replies from so many wonderful, caring people.  Seriously it was amazing. Within an hour I felt like that huge black cloud that had enveloped my whole being had become a faint mist that was barely holding on due to all the huge rays of sunshine and happiness that were being showered down on me.

I also learned some interesting things about my friends:

1. Pretty much all of my friends have seen, or are currently seeing, a therapist, and ALL believe I should see there’s… picking will be hard.

2. My friends will love me through anything, even when I don’t feel like being funny or entertaining… mind blown!

3. Once my friends had made sure I understood #2 they then said they would KILL ME if I ever tried to hide these sad feelings from them again… *sniff* that’s so sweet.

4. Some friends expressed relief to see that I could actually feel sadness, apparently there had been some concern that I was a cyborg sent to Earth to gather information and then take over the entire world once engaged by my alien handlers… although this was revealed after several drinks during the “MONA IS SAD” Happy Hour… we really will use any excuse to drink.

5. My friends really will take over a small country for me. It’s true, we have a first draft of our attack plan on several cocktail napkins. Tuvalu! We’re coming for you!!

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I’m sad…

I am a happy person.

This is a fact. 

I love talking. I am known for talking fast and excitedly, with many hand gestures, and laughing.

I love laughing. I will sometimes find something so funny that I will pass laughing and go straight to snorting, my friends think this is hilarious.

I love my friends. I love having these amazing people in my life, who are spectacular and wonderful and who, if I asked, would band together and take over a small country with me. 

I love my Hubby, my Tony. I have loved him from the very first moment I saw him 17 years ago. Marrying him, and being his wife, is the happiest thing I have ever done.

… so when I tell you I’m sad, know that this is a very big deal.

It came a couple weeks ago, like a big black cloud that has enveloped me. It doesn’t just hang above my head, it’s in my head, my body, my heart, my soul.  

I have never felt this kind of depression before, and it terrifies me.  I don’t understand why it’s here.  I don’t understand why it’s making me feel, and think, horrible things.

I feel ashamed that I feel this way.  There is no reason for me to feel this way. There is nothing so horrible in my life for this sense of complete and utter dread to consume me.

So I put on the old Mona’s face, happy, smiling, laughing, and I know I’m a fraud, but I don’t care. I don’t want anyone to know about the blackness in me. 

If they know then I have to explain it, and I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know what’s broken. I don’t know how to fix it.

But the old Mona’s face is just making me sadder. I like her, I love her, I want to be her again.

So no more hiding, deceiving, faking it. Time to shine some light on this suffocating blackness.

Time to find the old Mona and save her from this storm. She’ll probably smack me upside the head and say “It’s about Fracking time!” But I’ll have that coming.

But I’m still so afraid to say the words out loud, to tell my friends of this saddness that has no meaning or reason, yet is there.

So I do it this way, my blog. My silly funny happy blog, will now be my weapon against the darkness.

And I know it will find them, and tell them.

This is my white flag, my SOS, my message in the sky.

I’m sad…

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Time travel, all you need is wine.

PHEW! My mother just left for home after a FANTASTIC visit with me and Hubby.

It was 4 days of mother daughter hijinks with a crazed Hubby following after us with band aids and fire extinguishers… I swear you set a room on fire once during a past visit and suddenly you’re both a “hazard”.

Well we had a great time and since I have to leave for a kickball game in 15 minutes I’m just going to give you one story from the 4 days of sock throwing, hammer malfunctioning, so that’s what our fire alarm sounds like, and someone drank all our wine Awesomeness.

On mom’s second day of visiting I decided to take her on a wine tasting.  You gotta love Portland for having over 100 wineries in a 30 mile radius. Hubby decided not to come as mom had checked her emails on his laptop and now it was beeping and flashing a mysterious blue light every 30 seconds.

I was being a very good daughter/designated driver during our wine trip and let mom have pretty much all of the tastings, while I would take a sip here and there.  At winery #5, our last tasting of the day, the owner offered us a taste from a bottle that goes for $120 retail. 

We were very excited… maybe too excited. 

Me: Okay that smell is amazing, I’m can’t wait to taste it!

*GULP* ( I was gonna type *sip* but I was pretty sure some of my regular readers would have called BS)

Me: hhmmm… I kinda thought the taste would grab me by the tongue.

Mom: You thought it would take you back in time?!?

Me: What!?! No I said tongue, TONGUE… Okay we’ve had enough.

Mom: Hey! I’m not the one who thinks wine will cause me to time travel! And honey a tongue wont help you either… but a Tardis would.

Me: MOTHER! I have NEVER been so proud of you, as I am at this very moment!!

Wine Owner: What’s a Tardis?

Mom: Dude!

Me: Okay I take it back, NOW I’ve never been so proud of you.

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