Dude… why is my bowl wet and the toilet still broken?

Posted on August 9, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So my gal pal Lynn and I were on our daily lunch walk around the downtown escalade.

Lynn: My toilet’s really broken now.

Me:… oh… okay, shouldn’t you call someone about that?

Lynn: Well it was kind of broken before, but I called maintenance and now it’s totally broken.

Me: … I’m so lost.

Lynn: Okay so a couple weeks ago the little ball thing in the tank wouldn’t go down when you flushed, so the water would just keep running.  And being a Montana girl I just decided to fix it myself.

Me: *gasp* Did you go all MacGyver on it?

Lynn: Totally, I just…

Me: USED A STICK OF GUM?

Lynn: No, I…

Me: USED A PAPERCLIP!?!

Lynn: No, I…

Me: DUCKTAPE!?!?

Lynn: NO! Jesus woman I was fixing a toilet, not building a bomb!

Me:… sorry, I get a little carried away when it comes to MacGyver.

Lynn: Anyways, I bent the little ball rod thing and it worked fine.  Except yesterday I accidently broke the rod in half, so I called maintenance.  Well I come home and there’s a note on my door.

Dear tenant: (which is stupid cause he totally knows my name)
I was unable to fix the issue with your toilet and will try again tomorrow.  Until then, flush your toilet with a bucket.

Me: How do you flush a toilet with a bucket?

Lynn: No idea! And I was heading to a friends dinner party, but I decided to do a quick bucket flushing practice run while I didn’t have to go to the bathroom, instead of waiting until I got back and really had to go.

Me: Do you even have a bucket?

Lynn: NO! Who does in an apartment? So I went to my kitchen cupboard to grab my big mixing bowel…. and it was wet…

Me: I don’t get… OH MY GOD!! HE USED YOUR BOWL TO FLUSH THE TOILET AND PUT IT BACK!!!???!!

Lynn: YES!!!!

Me: eeeeyyyyywwwwwwww! He is a maintance man, HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN BUCKET!!!

Lynn: RIGHT!?!? I can only hope he washed it after, but who knows?! So after completely freaking out, I filled the bowl with water and took it to the toilet… but he didn’t say which part to put the water in.

Me: um, the tank part?

Lynn: No, that is the wrong place to put it… but that’s where I put it. Suddenly all the water causes on of the hoses to pop up and it starts spraying all over my bathroom! So I put my right hand over it and try to turn the water off down below. But it’s on the right side so I’m twisting my whole body around trying to turn it off with my left hand and still block the water with my right hand and by the time I get it off everything is sopping wet! Including me in my nice dinner outfit and… okay stop laughing, it’s not that funny … take a breath sweetie… seriously Mona, you’re gonna bust a vessel!

Me: Sorry, it’s just I can picture it so clearly, cause it’s totally something I would do!

Lynn: Great, now I feel really stupid.

Me: HEY!

A pen! Ofcourse, that’s what she was missing!!

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Getting to know you, getting to know all about… HOLY SH%&!

Posted on August 8, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So Hubby and I have been in our apartment for about 2 months now and I’m making a point to get to know all of our neighbors.

Me: Babe, I just met our neighbors Mark and Carl, I think they’re brothers!

Hubby: Which one’s are they?

Me: Down the hall 2 doors, big bearded scary dudes with tattoos. They’re totally nice!

Couple days later Hubby ran into them in the elevator and learned something new.

Hubby: So big bearded brother neighbors are gay.

Me: Seriously?? Wow they totally don’t look it, are you sure?

Hubby: Ya, was on the elevator with them and Mark was telling me a funny story about Carl and at the end Carl squealed and smacked Mark on the shoulder calling him a “meany” and then Mark giggled… gay.

Me:… that’s Awesome! We have rugged gay neighbors. We’ve never had that before!

That evening I had an uncontrollable craving for a slushy and no desire to put pants on so Hubby and I had a vicious rock, paper, scissors competition, where I totally didn’t cheat… and he ended up having to run next door to 7-11… ps LOVE having a 7-11 next door.

Hubby came back loaded with 3 bags of snack food.

Me: Babe! What the hell!?

Hubby: Not my fault! Got on the elevator with the 2 big gay bearded brothers and their buddies. Don’t know what they had been smoking but holy crap did I get the munchies!

Me: Sweet! We have a pot hookup!!

Hubby: We don’t smoke it.

Me: I know, but still… it’s good to have a hookup… just incase.

After all of this, I really didn’t think there was anything else we could learn about Mark and Carl that we didn’t already know… until last night when Hubby came into the apartment from getting the mail.

Hubby: The 2 big gay bearded brothers… ARE NOT BROTHERS!

Me: What!?

Hubby: I was downstairs, waiting for the elevator, and when it opened, there they were… MAKING OUT!

Me: SHUT UP!! They totally looked like brothers… although this makes more sense… I mean what are the odds that both brothers would be gay… well probably not that hard to believe. I bet if I google search gay brothers there’d be some statistics.

Hubby: I bet if you google search gay brothers you’d find more than statistics.

Me: EYW! Thanks for that image! Well what did you do?

Hubby: Nothing, just said ‘hi’ and got on cause they were getting off.

Me: YA THEY WERE!!!

Hubby: MONA!

Me: What!?!? You were giving that one to me, I had to say it!

Hubby: I’m not ready to joke about it yet.

Me: Okay… sorry… …. …. how about now?

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I am NOT Freaking Wonder Woman

Posted on August 1, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So as I’ve mentioned before, me and a few of my favorite ladies are on a healthy eating, TONS of excercise kick, and as you may have guessed… it sucks. No, that’s too negative, how about some things suck and some things don’t suck quite as much.

The best part of it is that I have a fitness center in my building that Susan and I have both joined.

The worst part of it is that I have a fitness center in my building that Susan and I have both joined.

DUDE! I have absolutely no excuse for not going everyday. It’s only an elevator ride away!

And if I find an excuse… Susan will just come up and drag my lazy ass down there anyways.  Seriously, she is WAY more motivated than me.

So this is the reason I found myself sitting in a Pilates class last night when I would have much rather been in bed with a bag of Doritos…. the forbidden food.

Well it ended up that everyone else had that same brilliant idea and had skipped class, so it was just me, Susan, and the instructor.

Instructor: Any requests?

Susan: I WANNA WORK MY THIGHS AND BUTT AND ABS!!!!!!

Instructor: Good! Love the enthusiasm! Mona, how about you?

Me: um, maybe some nice stretching?

Instructor: …

Susan: …

Me: …

Class started with some ab strengthening, then some leg repetitions, and then dove into a butt, abs, legs attack that I was pretty certain had been developed by the CIA for interrogating terrorists… seriously, I cried a little… okay a lot.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning with NO pain! “Holy Crap”, I thought, “I’m freaking Wonder Woman!”.  With this declaration still echoing in my head I leapt out of bed, and fell flat on my face.

The reason for no pain was because I had lost all feelings and use of my legs.

Hubby: You okay?

Me: Ya… but I’m not Wonder Woman.

Hubby: … okay.

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I was winning… until Ashley kitty photo bombed us.

Posted on July 25, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Ashley, Tracy, and I thought it would be a GREAT idea to all go on a diet together…

I know, I know images of train wrecks and nuclear explosions suddenly jumped in front of your eyes, but stick with me.

We’re doing this so we can be a cheering squad for each other and a much-needed support system when things go bad… which has already happened… on day two.

Me: We had a lunch meeting today and there was a table of pastries and sweets… A TABLE OF THEM!!! *sigh* I had some salad and a piece of beef.

Ashley: Dude, I had broccoli and spinach today for lunch, so just… shut. it.

Tracy: You guys are doing so good!! I had carrots and celery and humus… not because I have control, but because that’s all I had in my house to bring.

Ashley:… says the size 4… your argument is invalid.

Not to be out done by Ashley’s witty comeback, I then sent them this pic.

Not to be out done by my excellent photo pick, Tracy then sent us this pic.

Not to be out done by Tracy’s attempt to out do my kitty pic, I sent this pic.

Bored by Tracy and my pathetic attempts to out do each other, Ashley then blew us out of the water by sending us this pic.

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And That My Friends is a Funeral Win!

Posted on July 24, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Ashley, Tracy, and I just had a long email discussion that started with Google and ended with the GREATEST SHOW OF FRIENDSHIP EVER!!

Me: I know you both know this, but… DO NOT GOOGLE SEARCH WEIRD MEDICAL SYMPTOMS YOUR ARE HAVING!!!! Google had me believing I was dying of this crazy new untreatable disease… instead it ends up I have a sunburn on the top off my head…

Tracy: OMG NO! You don’t do that, everything ends in Cancer!!

Me: I Know! And I had all the symptoms, unexplainable depression, short attention span, itching!

Ashley: Was one of the symptoms not being able to remember people’s names?

Me: YES! Short Term Memory Loss!

Ashley: Oh My God YOU’RE DYING!!

Me: Shut up, it’s a sunburn! STOP FREAKING ME OUT!

Ashley: I just Googled my symptoms I’ve been having from this diet… and I’m dying.

Me: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Ashley: Will you promise me that you will throw yourself on my casket and scream NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!??

Me: I would… but I’ll probably already be dead by then from my rare head cancer.

Ashley: Tracy! Will you promise to throw yourself on BOTH of our caskets and scream NNNOOOOOO!!! Maybe add “They were so young… and beautiful… and funny damn it!!!”.

Me: AND say something like “Now that they’re gone, it feels like all the sunlight and joy have been sucked out, leaving only a cold, sad, empty world.”?

Ashley: Oh ya that’s good. And maybe blurt out the word sparkle somewhere in there!

Me: Nice! Tracy are you taking notes? I feel like you should be taking notes.

Tracy: … I will THROW my body over both caskets, screaming NNNNOOOOOOO, cursing at God for taking away SUCH beauty SO young, and swear off all happiness and joy because your deaths were BULLSHIT… then I would sprinkle glitter all over the caskets.

Me: *sniff* that’s so beautiful.

Ashley: and that right there is why we are friends!

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That’s Why You Don’t ‘F’ with the Ref!

Posted on July 23, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Well I had a fun weekend! I organized my closet, painted my nails, was a referee for a charity kickball tournament, almost got in a brawl with an A-Hole, and cleaned out my refrigerator.

So, which of those should I discuss in this blog post… hhmmmm… how about refereeing the charity kickball tournament? OKAY!

pssssssss, don’t worry, it involves the A-Hole too.

Saturday morning I arrived at the park bushy-tailed and chipper for a day of kickball charity fun! Which was impressive as I had to be there at 6:30am and I had been playing poker with the boys till 1:00am… don’t believe me? Look at that bushy-tailed chipperness!!!

AAAWWWWW I’m so cute in my referee orange and my ‘for the cause’ temporary tattoo… which by the way left an interesting tan mark…

Anywho, It had been a pretty good day.  A lot of the teams were new to kickball and were learning the rules, and everyone was having a fun time.  Even Hubby! Look how cute he is kicking that ball!!

Anywho, all was going well until… the A-Hole.

A-Hole was on a team that was brand new to kickball, but obviously had a pretty competitive nature, which is fine… but dude… it’s kickball… for charity… rein it in.

So head referee Jared made a call that A-Hole didn’t agree with and shouted about it from third base. A player who was watching the game from the sidelines yelled back that it was the right call. A-Hole then yells at that player to go ‘F’ himself… okay he said something a little harsher then that, but I’m keeping this PG for the kids.

In case you were wondering, I was refereeing at first base, but my hearing is phenomenal so I was catching EVERYTHING that was being said.

Okay where was I? Oh ya, go F yourself. Well sideline guy just laughs A-hole off and tells him to calm down… he may have called him the reproducing part of a male too.

Well A-Hole is outraged by this accurate comparison and shouts back “when you’re done ‘F’ing yourself, I’m gonna ‘F’ your girlfriend.”

DUDE!!!!… I mean seriously… DUDE!!!

Sideline guy is done with talking and is now walking on to the field.  I run across the field and position myself between the two of them.

Me: GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? WE’RE PLAYING A FUCKING CHILDS GAME FOR FUCKING CHARITY!!

oops.. sorry kids, this just went PG-13.

Jared takes sideline guy back to the sidelines and I’m left with A-Hole.

A-Hole: He started it!

Me: OH SHUT UP! I heard it all, and that comment about his girlfriend just got you kicked out of this game. Get off the field!

A-Hole then did something that even now makes me shake my head at the complete dumbassness of it… shut up it’s a word. He planted his feet, crossed his arms, looked down at me, and… smiled…

OH. HELL. NO. HE. DIDN’T.

Me: I don’t know why you’re smiling sweetheart, this game isn’t continuing until you get your ASS OFF MY FIELD!

Jared: Hey Mona, what’s going on.

Me (not breaking eye contact with A-Hole, as we were currently having a no blinking contest): He’s out of this game. Unsportsmanlike conduct. Offensive language. And being a complete douche.

Jared: …Okay, yellow card!

Me: NO! OUT OF THIS GAME!

Jared: *cough* Mona, that’s what a yellow card does.

Me: OH… GOOD! YELLOW CARD!

His team then grabbed A-Hole’s arm and pulled him off the field… which also caused him to blink…. I WIN!!!

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Who needs words when there are Google images?

Posted on July 20, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

Just had the best email conversation with my gal pal Tracy.

It started with words, but we quickly moved past that to true communication… funny cat photos.

I had sent an email to Tracy asking if she wanted to do a Happy Hour tonight, as I drastically needed a drink.

Tracy replied that she was going to a wedding rehearsal and couldn’t do it tonight.

I sat at my computer sad, until… she then sent this image.

This some what made me feel better, but I still replied with this:

To which Tracy BRILLIANTLY came back with this:

To which I replied with this:

SEE!?!?!? Best Email EVER!! Words are not needed when there are Google image cats!!!

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He Started it with Torture, I ended it with a Gas Bomb

Posted on July 18, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So Hubby and I learned some hard truths tonight people… HARD TRUTHS!

It all began while I was sitting at Hubby’s desk, exploring the wonder and awesomeness of China Ebay.

I know, China is a pretty bad country when it comes to human rights and pollution control, but MY GOD can those people offer the best sparkly shiny things for low, low prices and FREE SHIPPING!!

*phew* sorry, I do tend to get a little carried away when it comes to sparkly things… hence my last purchase… I just couldn’t decide between tiara or headband… so I got both! … too subtle?

Image

Anywho, while drooling over the new line of crystal encrusted nose warmers, Hubby came up to the desk, pushed me aside, got down on his knees, and stuck his head under the desk…

Me: Well Hello Sailor! Watchya doing down there honey?

Hubby: (muffled) I gotta swap out one of the wall cords… something… something… tech talk… nerdyness… blah blah blah.

Okay that’s not exactly what he said but it was getting boring so I zoned out and continued with my bling extravaganza shopping.

Hubby: ggahhh mig ed duck.

Me: Ya don’t say.

Hubby: MMMAAAHHHH IZ STUG!

Me: Totally

Hubby: BABE!

Me: yo

Hubby: MY HEAD IS STUCK!

Me:… it is not

Hubby: I think my hair is stuck on a screw

Me:… really?… Okay what’s the last post you read from my blog.

Hubby: What? I don’t know, it was a couple months ago.

Me: WHAT!  MONTHS AGO!!  Okay… time to catch up. Here’s a good one, January 5th It was a cold day and Hubby and I…

Hubby: Oh come on! This is TORTURE!!!…

Me:…

Hubby:… babe… where are you going? babe… Babe?… BABE!

Me:… I’m back.

Hubby: Okay, if you could just reach down and… what are you doing?

Me: Sitting back down, move over, gotta scoots in more.

Hubby: What? WHY??

Me: I just ate 2 slices of your pepperoni pizza.

Hubby: You can’t eat peppperoni, it makes you… OH BABE!

Me: You don’t know the meaning of torture soldier, this is WAR!

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Death by Bacon… not as cool as you would think.

Posted on July 17, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So Hubby and I stopped for a “quick” “bite” yesterday.  It’s wasn’t quick… and most definitely was NOT a bite.

I give you… Hubby’s burger.

Me: BABE!

Hubby: What?

Me: That’s a walking heart attack!

Hubby: No, it’s the Boogy Burger Special, 8 ounces of meat!

Me: Does that include the bacon?

Hubby:… no.

Me: Why don’t they include the bacon weight along with the beef?

Hubby: Cause it doesn’t usually come with bacon. But, when I asked for bacon, I didn’t realize they would be putting it between every patty… a happy surprise.

Me: Hold on, I need to check our insurance policy online. Does death by bacon count as an accidental death or suicide?

Hubby: You over exaggerate, it’s not that bad.

one hour later

Hubby: Oh God *burp* I’m dying.

Me: Told you so.

Hubby: Not *urp* helping

Me: I can’t believe you ate that entire mass of fat… and a large fries.

Hubby: No, it was a small fries and I left 5.

Me:… way to show restraint babe.

Long story short, he survived and has sworn off meat… that should last for about another hour.

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What 2G3 Learned from the Avengers… Yes, You Care!

Posted on July 11, 2012 by But That's For Another Blog

So Ashley and I have decided to start filming short little videos for our 2GeekyGirlyGirls site, cause honestly I’m just too damn lazy to edit.

SO this 3 minute video has no editing, if it did, you wouldn’t have seen me pet myself for a minute while Ashley turreted “okay” a million times… ENJOY!

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