I’m currently obsessed with all things Shakespearean, thanks to David Tennant aka Dr Who and Catherine Tate aka Donna, who star in a new adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing.
People if you didn’t recognize any of those names… well then we can’t be friends anymore…
I’m sorry, it’s just not gonna work out between us unless you have a little geek in you… and if you have a big geek in you… CONGRATS!! Hahahahahahahahha
God it always ends up dirty… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID… HAHAHAHAHHAHA… okay 5 cups of coffee this morning, may have been a tad too much.
But anywho, because of this new obsession, I’ve been attempting to get Hubby to talk more Shakespearean like to me…
Hubby: You want me to what now?
Me: Oh come on, don’t look at me like that! I’m not asking you to memorize a complete sonnet or anything.
Hubby: Ya, cause that would have happened.
Me: … I’m just asking that you be more romantic in your talk. Throw in a foresooth or therefore or even a doth! Here, I’ll help, say something like, “my lady doth walk like the sun”.
Hubby: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Me: Oh shut up! God, excuse me for attempting to add a little romance in our everyday lives!
I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night, until I got a text from my girlfriend with a picture of a dress she wanted me to wear to her wedding.
Me: Aaaahhhh Babe! Look at the picture Tracy just sent me!! Do you think I’d look pretty in that?
Hubby: Yes.
Me: … You didn’t even look.
Hubby: Didn’t have to, I only see beauty when I look in your direction.
Don’t get me wrong with the title, I’m not dumb… it’s just, sometimes I will say something that will make me pause and wonder how I’m able to put pants on in the morning.
But not this time! Hubby finally slipped up and allowed me to feel superior… for like 40 seconds.
Hubby: This ice cream taste weird.
Me: It’s pistachio.
Hubby: I know, but it has a weird texture.
Me: It’s pistachio.
Hubby: Ya, but it’s crunchy.
Me: It’s. Pistachio.
Hubby: Stop saying that! I know it’s pistachio! But that doesn’t explain why it’s crunchy!!
Me: Ya sure about that?
Hubby: Yes I… oh… crap.
Me: YES!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! *cough* *choke* *hack*
Hubby: You okay?
Me: *gasp* Oh My God! I totally choked on something. I thought I was gonna die!! What was it!?!?
Could NOT get to sleep last night. My mind took that opportunity to wander all over the fraking place.
1:26am… wide awake… fanfreakingtastic…
1:35am… look at hubby sleeping soundly… that’s so fucking annoying…
1:36am… is he snoring!?! Oh come on! That’s just rubbing it in my face! *poke* *poke* *poke*…
1:38am… *poke* *poke*… GAH! Two minutes of poking and nothing!… that’s what she said… hee hee hee…
1:42am… if I fall asleep right now, I’ll get at least 5 hours of sleep before my alarm goes off… so sleep now… okay now… AND NOW… gggrrrrrrrrrr…
1:53am… I wonder if it’s true your finger nails keep growing even after you’re dead… that would be weird… zombies with those long curly fingernails… gross…
2:11am… great, now the cat’s snoring… asshole…
2:14am… Hubby, I’m sending you a telepathic thought… wake up… wake up… wake up… WAKE UP AND TALK TO ME!!!… damn it…
2:22am… for Otto Titzling had found his quest, to lift and mold the female breast, to point the small ones to the skies, to keep the big ones high and dddrryyy…
2:27am… 56 fluffy white sheep jumping a fence, 57 fluffy white sheep jumping a fence… OH he’s tripped and fallen!! 58 fluffy white sheep jumping a fence lands on 57! OH NO here comes 59, STOP STOP! AAHHH LOOK OUT! 60 just took them all out! OH THE BBAAA MANITY!!
2:30am… so Leia was Luke’s sister and had the “force”, why didn’t she do any cool Jedi stuff?… instead they just put her in a bikini and strapped her to a big slimy alien… Leia got screwed… oh… I wonder if she did get… EYW EYW EYW! Stop thinking about that!… GAH TOO LATE, I’m picturing it!!!!!!!
2:36am… if I could have any super power it would be flying, flying is cool and I could travel anywhere… but that could get boring… reading minds! That would be cool… but not sure I want to know what everyone really thinks of me… super strength! Then I can punch all those people that thought mean things about me into space… jerks…
2:40am… it just doesn’t make sense … why can’t he chuck wood?…
2:43am… so tomorrow I’ll wear my red skirt with that black sweater thing… no, you got a stain on that red skirt last week and didn’t wash it… okay I’ll wear the black slacks with the black sweater thing… no, that’s just too much black… OKAY, I’ll wear the green dress with the shiny silver belt… oh sweetie no, you can’t pull that off…
2:48am… okay, if I fall asleep right now, I’ll get at least 4 hours of sleep before my alarm… OH FUCK IT!… I’ll just get up now and not even bother going to sleeeee…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
We had left off with Soon-To-Be-Hubby banishing me to the bow of the fishing boat after an innocent mistake on my part… that almost killed us all.
HOWEVER, if he had given better captaining instructions and IF there had been an actual captain’s hat, I’m pretty sure none of that would have happened.
Anywho… I digress… so there I was, banished to the bow of the ship so Soon-To-Be-Hubby could take us site seeing by the glaciers.
So glaciers, important thing you should know about them. They will occasionally have chunks of ice fall off them, that will then land into the water, and these chunks of floating ice are called icebergs… I. Did. Know. That.
So icebergs… important thing you should know about them. As they float along, the water will lap away at the bottom of them, until the top portion will become heavier then the bottom portion, and then the iceberg will roll topsy turvy over… I. Did. NOT. Know. That!
Back to Soon-To-Be-Hubby steering the boat through this field of icebergs and me perched on the bow enjoying the view, until one of the icebergs begins to turn over…
People, you need to understand something, I thought I was going to die. This iceberg, that I had been led to believe just floated around doing nothing, was not only rolling but was rolling TOWARDS OUR BOAT! I did what any of you would have done.
I Lost My Shit.
Me: OH MY GOD!!! ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD AND IT’S FUCKING ROLLING!!!MOVE OVER!! MOVE OVER!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SAY MOVE OVER IN BOAT TALK!?!? PORT, PORT, PORTPORTPORTPORT! MOVE THE FUCK TO PORT!
Soon-To-Be-Hubby and the captain were both staring down at me from the bridge with looks of confusion.
Me: THE ICEBERG IS ROLLING TOWARDS US!! THIS IS TITANIC ALL OVER AGAIN!!
Side bar: Unfortunately the movie Titanic had not yet come out, or you know I would have been dropping some excellent movie references. Something along the lines of “FIND A DOOR, IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE! AND WE WILL ALL FUCKING FIT ON IT… GOD DAMN ROSE AND HER DOOR HOGGING!!”
Anywho… I digress… again… So, I began to realize that Soon-To-Be-Hubby and the captain were not moving at the urgent pace I believed they should be. I ran over to the deck storage box and began ripping out the survival suits that Soon-To-Be-Hubby and shown me before we had left harbor. This situation had become every girl for herself! And I wasn’t wearing the captain’s hat, so there was NO WAY I was going down with the ship!
Luckily Soon-To-Be-Hubby had bolted out of the bridge and leapt down to me before I could give them a final salute and jumped overboard.
Soon-To-Be-Hubby: BABE! WHAT THE HELL!?
Me: THE ICEBERG IS ROLLING TOWARDS US… WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!
Soon-To-Be-Hubby: … that’s what icebergs do, when the top becomes heavier then the bottom they rollover… once… we’re fine… see?
He pointed to the iceberg of death and sure enough, it had stopped rolling.
Me:… oh… You didn’t tell me that, that seems important, why didn’t you tell me that?
Hubby: Again, I didn’t think I HAD TO!
Me: Well once again, you WERE WRONG!!
I pity the boat that’s next to that bad boy if it ever turns. SHARE THE DOOR ROSE!!
Well civil war broke out in our house last night, and for once it was NOT my fault … well not really… well kind of … well shit.
Okay it started with my sister in law posting a video of her baby boy walking for the first time… ADORABLE!
I leaned over CIA Cat to show the video to Hubby, sitting next to me on the couch, the whole time screeching that this was, “THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!”
CIA Cat was not impressed, neither with the video nor me leaning over her, so she showed her disapproval the only way she knew how, she bit me… on. the. boob.
I scream…
Hubby retaliates by yelling at CIA Cat and kicking her off the couch…
CIA Cat retaliates by peeing on Hubby’s new rug…
Hubby retaliates by locking her in the bathroom…
CIA Cat retaliates by crapping on the floor…
Hubby retaliates by…
Me: SSSTTTOOOPPPP!
Hubby: What?
Me: BABE has Star Trek taught us nothing!?!?!
Hubby: … what?
Me: This is just like that episode with the guy with the black and white face, fighting the guy with the white and black face!
Hubby: … again, what??
Me: They were both from the same planet and looked exactly the same except each having opposite face colors, so they fought constantly and when the Enterprise took them back to their planet, there was no one left alive because everyone on the planet had killed each other!
Hubby: …
Me: And instead of just realizing that no one could win their stupid opposite face color war, the two guys instead beamed down to the planet and kept fighting until they both killed each other!
Hubby: … are you seriously comparing me and CIA Cat to this?
Me: YES! It’s exactly the same thing!!
Hubby: HOW? She peed on my rug!
Me: Hey some mornings your aims not all that great and my bath mat pays the price!
Hubby: … I DON’T CRAP ON THE FLOOR!
Me: No you don’t and I appreciate that, one of the reasons I married you.
Hubby: …
Me: DAMMIT MAN, I’M TRYING TO BRING AROUND PEACE IN THIS CRAZY FELINE WAR… hahahahahahhahahaha… come on, that was pretty funny.
Hubby: Your Captain Kirk impersonation is horrible.
Me: That was Bones!
Hubby: oh… okay fine, but she can’t sit on the couch!
Okay! I’m starting to get death threats, so I will now tell the story of Ashley’s Awesomely Evil Surprise Birthday… but first, BACK STORY!… shut up, every great story needs back up.
February – Ashley announces she wants to have her 30th birthday at a rental house on the coast and sends us a link to the house she wants to rent.
March – Tracy and I tell Ashley that we have something MUCH better planned for her birthday than a boring rental house, so forget about it.
April – Tracy and I reserve the rental house.
July – Tracy and I start planning the awesomeness that will be Ashley’s surprise birthday party, this is where things start getting… complicated.
How do we get Ashley to the house, AND in, without her realizing that this is the house she picked out in February and, because it sleeps 18, all of her friends are probably inside waiting to surprise her?
Yes, this could be a problem… for people who aren’t as awesome/evil as we are!
(While reading our awesome/evil plan please have a friend hum the A-Team’s “The Plan” theme song, if they don’t know it, we will also accept the Mission Impossible theme song. If they don’t know either of these songs… then your friends are lame, dump them and go find cooler friends.)
FIRST we tell Ashley that she, me, Tracy, and Tricia are taking a girls only overnight trip to the coast on Saturday and then going to an Amazingly Awesome Party in Portland Sunday night.
This first step was extremely easy to do and we pulled it off flawlessly. I believe it was my minute by minute itinerary that I strictly made us follow that really sold it.
11:48am – Group shout overlooking ocean CHECK!
SECOND on the drive to the “resort”, Tracy receives a call from Dan, her fiancé, who needs an important piece for his camera and tells her to stop by his friend’s house on the coast to pick it up. Tracy gets extremely annoyed with Dan and will spend several minutes yelling at him and questing their whole engagement.
The second step went off so perfectly that when Dan got off the phone with Tracy, he told the group standing around him that he wasn’t 100% sure if the wedding was still on…
THIRD Tracy tells us about this “unexpected” stop and then “accidently” slips that the camera piece we’re picking up is for the photo booth at Ashley’s party. I then get mad at Tracy, screaming that I can’t believe she gave away the surprise, and say we should just cancel the party now, and the whole time I’m yelling I’m also dropping an impressive amounts of F bombs. Tracy then starts “crying” and refuses to talk to anyone for the rest of the car ride. Tricia meanwhile will be trying to console all of us, while Ashley is devastated thinking this is the worst birthday EVER.
… okay… the third step did not go quite as we had planned… IT WENT BETTER!!
Tracy did the photo booth slip perfectly, I then did my bitchfest like a champ, but then things took an unexpected twist.
Tracy started dropping the F bombs… this is unheard of, she is the decorum of sweetness and nicety. I sat there in shock as she yelled at me for “Fucking making everything so Fucking complicated with my Fucking secrecy and she’s Fucking fed up with me and all my Fucking drama!”
Tracy stopped for a breath, looked me directly in the eye and the next thing that happened came so naturally to me that I’m actually now concerned about my emotional stability.
I cried like a fucking baby.
Big huge sobs, with wailing that could have been confused for a dying wallaby, and an alarming amount of snot.
This just spurred Tracy on, she insulted me, my family, my pets, my fashion choices and with each insult my sobs/wailing/snot not only continued but dramatically increased.
I looked to Tricia to start giving the counsel, as we had practiced, but unfortunately she wasn’t as good at improve as Tracy and I were; she was scrunched up as far away from us as possible staring at the whole emotional train wreck with opened mouth horror.
I then turned to Ashley and was shocked to see her with a very calm look on her face… SHIT! She wasn’t buying any of this, she’s on to us!
Ashley: *quiver in voice* You guys, I love you both so much and just being with you all is such a wonderful birthday, please don’t worry about anything else.
SWEET! She’s not only buying it, she took out a loan and bought all the surrounding property!!!
She then reached over and patted my knee… I viewed this as an excellent time to start my crying all over again, and Tracy began a whole new F bombing attack regarding my emotional weakness and inability to pull off bangs.
FOURTH We pull up to the house, Ashley is so emotionally disturbed by the fight that she doesn’t recognize it as the rental she picked out in February. We all walk together to the downstairs door, which will be open, I will call out “hello?” and one of the boys will yell “come on up!”. We walk up the stairs and everyone yells SURPRISE!
Again things did not go as planned. The boys forgot to leave the door open. And when we opened the door and yelled ‘hello’ up the stairs, no one said anything. Still in her role Tracy yelled “Fuck it, we’re going up!”, to which Ashley voiced concern that this could be viewed as breaking and entry and she didn’t want to be arrested on her birthday, we all laughed at her fears and I proceeded to push her up the stairs.
And behold the outcome…
p.s. the blonde and brunette hugging at the end are me and Tracy, verifying that our friendship is still intact.
p.s.s. we later find out that Ashley had completely forgotten all about the rental house and would never have recognized it… totally worth it anyways.
So Tracy, Tricia and I threw pretty much the most diabolical awesomely evil surprise birthday party for Ashley last weekend… But that’s for another blog.
Don’t freak, I know I say that and then never blog about it again, but I swear on deep fried Twinkies that I will blog about that amazingballs party… later… maybe… someday… possibly.
Anywho, on the way to the surprise birthday party of evil awesomeness; Ashley, Tracy, Tricia, and I had to take a 3 hour car trip along the coast, where we passed through Wheeler, Oregon… where I died of syphilis…kind of… not really… let me explain.
Me: We are now driving through Wheeler… wow I just got this sudden urge to yell “WHEELER INDIANA!”
Tracy: We’re in Oregon Mona.
Me: I know but I have this need to yell “WHEELER INDIANA!” and with a western drawl too.
Tricia: Have you ever been to Indiana?
Me: No, never. I don’t even know if there’s acutally a Wheeler, Indiana…
Woke up this morning and before I even had a chance to make the elixir of life aka coffee, I stepped on something disturbing on our living room floor… and this time, it wasn’t CIA Cat’s fault.
The Horror
I quickly emailed the incriminating photo to Hubby with the title, ‘Did you misplace your gum?”.
It took less than a minute for him to reply, “Where was it? Definitely not mine, I threw it away, maybe it was you.”
… dude.
So I went all Sherlock Holmes on him, not the old school Sherlock Holmes with the googly eyes and oversized nostrils.
Dude, seriously stop flaring those things at me.
No I went all new, sexy Sherlock on him…
Meow
Can anyone else believe that this guy’s name is actually Benedict Cumberpatch!? Every girl who gave him shit in elementary school must be pounding her head against the wall now.
Anywho, so I got my sexy Cumberpatch on… oh that didn’t sound right… and started gathering evidence to present to Hubby.
Evidence #1
A pack of gum, on Hubby’s desk… WITH ONLY ONE PIECE MISSING!
If I had been the one to leave my gum on the floor, wouldn’t there be TWO pieces missing!?!?… interesting.
Evidence #2
A single wrapper… NEXT to Hubby’s X-Box controller, which I’m not allowed to touch after the unfortunate soda drop incident of 2011… very interesting.
I emailed all the evidence to Hubby, he has yet to reply, obviously guilt has left him speechless.
Another case solved by sexy Cumberpatch!… ya I’m gonna stop saying that.
I’m not being all Freudian with that title, I’m just speaking the truth, the hard truth, the hard truth I learned this weekend.
Started when Hubby and I went to Costco… on a Sunday… during snack time… while it was a 100 degrees outside… people. it. was. INSANITY.
I just can’t go into detail of all the horrors I saw, but there was a woman there who had about 30 children and they were going at those snack tables as if it was their last meal. And don’t get me started on the lady who left her huge cart in the middle of the aisle, blocking everyone behind her, so she could go check out the skorts… WHO DOES THAT… AND FOR SKORTS!?!?
Hubby had to revoke my cart pushing rights after I started using it as a riot police shield, pushing the masses of crazies out of my way so I could get my protein shakes.
So by the time we got home, all I wanted to do was relax in our air-conditioned wonderfulness of an apartment.
Hubby: This is gonna take 2 loads.
Me: What!?! No, no it’s not, we can do it in one!
Hubby: Babe…
Me: No seriously, here you take that and that and that. And I’ll take this, and this, and *grunt* this. BAM! We’re ready to go!
Hubby: Your arms and legs are shaking, you’re going to drop all of that.
Me: Well maybe if someone stopped gabbing and got moving!
Hubby: Fine… but you’re just gonna hurt yourself.
Me: blah, blah, blah.
5 minutes later, and 2 close calls, we made it to the apartment.
Me: TA DA! One load
Hubby: How’s your arm
Me: Fine… why?
Hubby: Look down.
So I did…
Me: Holy Crap! Why is my arm bleeding? There’s a hole in my arm! Why is there a hole in my arm!?!
Hubby: I think it was when you used your arm to prop the door open and it shut on it… twice.
Me: Well thanks for pointing it out, now it hurts!
Hubby: … ya… cause this is my fault.
Me: duh.
A couple hours later Hubby decided to start talking to me again and suggested we play with our new toys we purchased at Costco… boxing gloves. What?! Every caring, loving couple has a pair… right?
Hubby: Okay, I’m gonna teach you a few moves.
Me: Don’t need it, I’ll just float like a butterfly and sting like a bee! BAM!
And somehow I was able to get a quick jab to hubbies tummy.
Me: YA! I. AM. THE. GREATEST!
I then attempted to perform my victory dance by throwing my arms in the air… unfortunately I forgot that I had on my huge boxing gloves… and I totally upper cut myself right under the chin.
Hubby:… you okay there Ali?
Me: I think I bwit my thong.
Hubby: Wow, you really are the greatest… at making yourself bleed.
TRACY’S AMAZING COOKING BLOG! (This girl makes everything from scratch and she’s too sweet for you to hate how much she makes you feel like a cooking loser)
But That's For Another Blog 