And That’s Why The Radio DJ Had to Die… Horribly.

Posted on February 1, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Me: GGAAAHHHHH!!! He just said “bro” again, that’s the 5th time in 2 minutes he’s said bro. WHY! WHY! WHY, DOES HE KEEP SAYING IT!? You know he’s probably a 40 year old man who just wants to sound like a 20something surfer frat boy with highlights… AAHHHH 6!! That was the 6th bro!!!!! GGGGGGAAAAHHH I HATE HIM!!!

Hubby: Turn the radio to a different station.

Me: OH MY GOD! He just said that Ryan Seacrest is his role model!! THAT’S NOT A ROLE MODEL YOU IDIOT!! Although that definitly explains why, YOU’RE SUCH A TOOL!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!

Hubby: Turn the radio to a different station.

Me: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! Warm Bodies IS NOT a bad knock off of Twilight! I… I… I… I’m literally fucking speechless! WORDS CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I HATE HIM!!!!!!

Hubby: Turn the radio to a different station.

Me: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!?! Kristen Stewart is his favorite actress?! WHY AM I EVEN SURPRISED!? It’s wrong she’s never won an Oscar? … DIE!!! JUST DIE!!! WHY WONT THIS MAN JUST DIE!?!?!

Hubby: TURN THE RADIO TO A DIFFERENT STATION!!!

Me: But babe… I love this station.

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Everyone’s a critic, but my friends are critics with flair!

Posted on January 31, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Chris: Your last blog was wrong.

Me: My blogs are never wrong.

Chris: Ha ya… you said you’re changing from a Portlandan to an Arizonan.

Me: Yep.

Chris: States get the “an” at the end. Your an Orgonian. Portlandan just sounds weird. What city are you moving to?

Me:  Scottsdale… so I’ll be a Scottsdalean?

Chris: No, you’ll be a Scottsdaler.

Me: Alright! Scottsdaler sounds like someone I’d like to party with!

Chris: Sounds like a bad climax.

Me: …

Chris: Yes climax, like to a soup opera.
“I’m telling you… Scott is Dale!”
“What!? Dale is Dale.”
No… SCOTTS DALE!!!!

Me: You’re crazy! Scott died in a freak fireworks factory explosion, Dale is his long lost twin brother that was raised by mute monks in the mountains of Albuquerque!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Chris: …

Me: What!?!? That was funny!!

Twins

HAHAHAHAHAH COME ON!! NOW THAT IS FUNNY!!!!!

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I’m moving to the sun… LITERALLY!

Posted on January 30, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby and I are moving from Portland, Oregon to Phoenix, Arizona.

I know nothing about Phoenix, Arizona. I’ve always been a Northwest gal, so I did what I always do when I’m confused, I Googled:

1. Someone who lives in Arizona is referred to as an “Arizonan”.
Okay, this is an improvement from my current reference, “Portlander”, it always just sounded dirty… repeat it a couple of times, you’ll start hearing it.

2. Arizona once had a navy consisting of 2 boats on the Colorado River. They were used to prevent California from encroaching on Arizona territory.
Okay, so we’re at war with California… SWEET. Oregon’s been wanting to do that for years!

3. South Mountain Park covers more than 20,000 acres, making it the largest city park in the world.
Okay, that’s cool!

4. Some dangerous creatures living here include rattlesnakes, scorpions, wild boars, mountain lions, and black widows.
Okay, not cool, NOT COOL!

5. It is illegal to hunt camels in the State of Arizona.
Okay… I got nothing.

6. In the City of Glendale it is illegal for a car to back up.
Okay, no worries, we still haven’t fixed our gear thingy and our car ACTUALLY doesn’t reverse!

7. A saguaro cactus will take between 50 and 100 years to grow an arm.
Okay, that’s impressive, especially because they have to hold it up for that long… that’s what she said!

8. Average annual rainfall in Phoenix is only 8 inches.
Okay, that’s doable, I mean it’s not huge, but I can work with it… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! teeheeheehee, okay sorry I’m done… THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!

9. The record for highest temperature was set on June 26, 1990 at 122 degrees.
Okay, that’s hot.

10. It is not unusual for Phoenix to record more than 100 days in a row of temperatures over 100 degrees.
Okay… um… ya… so… Hubby’s moving on his own.

funny-hot-picture

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I’m fat because I LOVE YOU!

Posted on January 24, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I just read this amazing article about how you can tell how happy a married couple is by how fat they are! And if they’re married and skinny then they must be REALLY unhappy and considering divorce!!!

Okay maybe that’s not exactly what it said (here’s the link to the article for you to judge) but anywho it got me thinking.

I’ve easily packed on 20 pounds since Hubby and I walked down the aisle almost 12 years ago… but Hubby… has not gained a pound… in fact I think he’s lost weight!!

This realization was very disturbing for me, but being the sound rational person that I am, I approached the subject with Hubby very subtly.

Me: WHY ARE YOU DIVORCING ME!?!?!?!?

Hubby: Because you drink directly out of the carton!

Me: I JUST READ THAT…. wait… what?

Hubby: HA! How’s it feel to be completely confused by one sentence?!?

Me:… I don’t like it.

Hubby: Welcome to my world, you’re constantly stressing me out with your crazy outbursts!

Me: Oh… must be hard to put on weight when you’re constantly stressed out.

Hubby: You’re telling me! I eat twice as much as the rest of the guys, but don’t gain a pound! I should be huge, but I think I’m actually losing weight!!

Me:  aaahhhhhhh babe, you love me!

Hubby: Well duh… but seriously, stop drinking out of the carton.

Mark

Love

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Make it so!

Posted on January 23, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Me: BABE!BABE!BABE! Come see the new header for my blog! See, it has me, and Orko, and CIA Cat, and YOU!

Hubby:… that’s not me.

Me: No, no it’s not. But that’s why it says dot dot dot not really.

Hubby: Why do you have a not really picture of me, instead of an actual picture of me?

Me: Would you have posed for an actual picture?

Hubby: No.

Me: Well then, there ya go.

Hubby:… who is that anyways?

Me: Dude! It’s Captain Picard… face palming! I felt it captured the true essence of you and my blog.

Hubby: Agreed.

Me: Damn it!

Hubby: What?

Me: I was hoping you would say “Make it so!”.

Hubby: …

Me: I’ll do it for you, MAKE IT SO!

Hubby: *facepalm*

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The End is Near!… time to exercise.

Posted on January 22, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Hubby and I are hard-core surfers… channel surfers that is. 

We will not stay on a channel longer then 2 seconds before moving on to something else.

This could drive some couples mad, but Hubby and I have set up some basic rules to keep the peace:

Rule #1 The holder of the remote must give up first show choice to the couch sitter.

Rule #2 When the couch sitter sees something that they want to watch, the holder of the remote MUST stay on that channel for a minimum of 15 minutes.

Rule #3 After the 15 minutes have passed  the holder of the remote is then in charge of picking the next show that will be watched.

There are more rules involved covering bathroom breaks, muting, snack runs, and when guests are over.  But for now you really just need to know about the first three.

SO last weekend Hubby was the holder of the remote and I was enjoying the power of the couch sitter and savoring the first show choice.

Hubby was clicking like mad through all the channels when I saw it:

Me: STOP!! GO BACK, GO BACK, GO BACK!!!

Hubby: Which channel?

Me: 20!

Hubby: Seriously? Local broadcast??

Me: YES! It said Zombie Exercise Class!! How cool is that?! I wonder what they’ll be doing? The 10k zombies are behind you sprint, or how to hurdle the fallen fatties, maybe some bash in their brains arm punches?!?!?

Hubby: Ya, you read it wrong, it’s Zumba Exercise Class… for senior citizens. AND that was your 15 minute choice!

Me: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless You Google Image Search!

God Bless You Google Image Search!

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O.M.G. I’m THAT person!

Posted on January 21, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So… I just did this… AND I’M NOT SORRY!!!

ORKO HAS HIS OWN FACEBOOK PAGE… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Orko

http://www.facebook.com/#!/orko.munoz 

(please be Orko’s friend, as Hubby will soon be sending his mother to the loony bin and he’ll need all the friends he can get.)

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Webcams, there to show your shame… or your puppies…

Posted on January 16, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Orko has started going to doggy day care… SHUT UP,IT’S ONLY ONCE A WEEK!!!!

… sorry… I used to make fun of people who took their dogs to doggy day care and now that I’m one of them, I constantly hear my own voice in my head, heckling me… it’s really annoying… seriously you have no idea.

Anywho… so the great thing about our doggy day care is it has webcams so you can check in to see how your puppies doing, I really wish I hadn’t.

It was okay at first, see him below just sittingbeing all adorable!?! 

Image

But then something catches his interest and he’s up and moving!

 

up

And then things went horribly, horribly wrong…

NO

SHAME PUPPY SHAME!!!!!!!!

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Don’t panic, that’s just his penis

Posted on January 10, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay the title totally gives away the punch line of the story of my stupidity, but I don’t care, cause it’s funny.

So story time, Orko is the first puppy I’ve ever owned.  So I’m constantly learning knew things about him.

1. Puppy’s LOVE peanut butter

2. Puppy’s are scared easily by loud noises

3. Puppy’s bolt when scared by loud noises

4. Puppy’s leash should be held tightly when walking outside where puppy can hear loud noises.

5. Puppy has a penis…

Okay now I thought I had known #5 already… but no… no I hadn’t.

Let me explain, if you’ve never had a boy dog this will all be new information to you and you will totally understand my confusion. If you have had a boy dog, then, well, just shut up and stop laughing.

So last week I was giving Orko a belly rub. Orko LOVES belly rubs, almost more then he loves peanut butter.  Trust me that’s saying something. This is a dog that took out 2 grown adults with his leash while attempting to get to a spoon of peanut butter I had accidentally dropped in the kitchen… but I digress.

SO, me. Orko. Belly Rub. and then “it” happened.

I caught a glimpse of something bright red down by his wee wee and I instantly thought he’d hurt himself and was bleeding… Shut up dog owners. 

SO I pin him down on his back and quickly start brushing away the fur down by his wee wee to see what was so red… well that just made more red appear… seriously stop laughing. 

I am now freaking out and scream for Hubby to come because my new puppy is seriously wounded.  He ran over, looked, closed his eyes, and sighed…

Hubby: “Babe, stop giving the puppy a hand job.”

Me: STOP JOKING HE’S WOUNDED!!!

Hubby:… no he’s not.

Me: THEN WHY IS RED COMING OUT OF HIM?!?!?!?

Hubby:… that’s his penis…

Me:… no it’s not…

Hubby: ya, ya it is.

Me: But that’s his penis *gesturing to faux penis*

Hubby: No that’s the prepuce, the sheath of skin that covers the penis. The red you are seeing is his penis sticking out.

Me:… oh… I’m gonna go wash my hands.

Hubby: That’s a good idea.

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This war will never end, because I’m a dumbass.

Posted on January 8, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So CIA Cat and new puppy Orko are still not getting along.

Well that’s not entirely true.  Orko wants to get along with CIA Cat, but everytime he tries (by bringing her his favorite toy or treat) she will slap the shit out of him and being the dumb loveable puppy he is, he’ll just run back to her. Which is basically the puppy equivalent of “THANK YOU MA’AM, MAY I PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER?!”… which she gives him.

So to end this one sided war, I purchased a dog gate to keep those two separated. CIA Cat gets the bedroom, hallway, and bathroom.  While Orko gets the living room and kitchen.

AND to be super nice to CIA Cat, it has a little kitty door at the bottom so she can have all the rooms if she wants, but Orko is still limited to the living room and kitchen… at least that was the plan.

When the gate went up CIA Cat was not amused and just stood at the end of the hall looking at it and me with a stare that had “you bitch” written all over it.

I sat at the other end of the gate calling her over and attempting to bribe her with treats to get her to go through the little kitty door at the bottom of the gate. Finally after 10 minutes she finally did, either out of  greed, for all the treats I was piling up on the other side of the door, or boredom or sheer embarrassment at the voices I was using to call her name.

I was ecstatic.  FINALLY I had come up with a way to bring peace to our household!! That is until Orko than came down the hall and walked through the kitty door too… FFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

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