Apparently it’s not a good smoothie unless you’ve paid $600 for it…

Posted on February 25, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

This conversation is for all you readers out there who thought I was the crazy one in this relationship… HA!

Hubby: I think we should get healthy.

Me: Love this idea!  I really need to lose some inches, I’m on the low zipper.

Hubby: .. the what?

Me: You know, when your pants are so tight that you can’t button the top button?  Well I’m at the point where my pants are so tight, I can’t even zip em up.

Hubby: Okay, this explains all the long shirts you’ve been wearing.

Me: Word.

Hubby: Why don’t you just buy bigger pants?

Me: That’s quitter talk!! Besides, you just said we’re getting healthy, so I don’t need to buy new pants, as I’ll be all thin and fit soon. So what’s our game plan? Jogging, lifting weights, eating healthy?

Hubby: All of that… and smoothies.

Me: mmmmmm smoothies, time to break out the old Magic Bullet from storage.

Hubby: I kinda thought we would need something more… powerful.

Me: But babe, the Magic Bullet is a bullet… that’s magical… ya can’t get more powerful than that!

Hubby: I was thinking we could get the Blendtec Blender.

Me: Never heard of it.

Hubby: It’s the same blender they use at Jamba Juice!

Me:…

Hubby: Babe it’s amazing! Its got a 4 inch blade, 13 amps, 1560 watts, direct drive motor, and solid state electronics.

Me: I think you just described a car.

Hubby: … and it’s only $600.

Me: WHAT!?!? You ARE talking about a car!!

Hubby: Oh be serious! You can’t get a car for $600.

Me: OLIVER!!!  My first car, olive green Subaru sedan, $500!!

Hubby: And it’s engine blew up!

Me: Not his fault! I forgot to give him oil… for like 2 years. AND I was able to find a used engine for under a $100 so even then, he’s still cheaper than your blender! And he was a CAR! A drive down the road, carry passengers, CAR!! Can your blender do that!?! Can it take us around town, while blending a delicious strawberry banana smoothie at the same time!?!?!

Hubby: Okay, you’re just being crazy now.

Me: … I’m being crazy!?!?!

The dude's blending an iPad... how... why... WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?

The dude’s blending an iPad… how… why… WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?

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My dog has excellent taste in literature… literally

Posted on February 21, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Me: Well, we now know that Orko has excellent taste in literature, he ate one of my Harry Potter books.

Ashley: Which one?

Me: The Half Blood Prince.

Ashley: I would have figured Deathly Hollows, kind of like a payback for killing Fred.

Me: I think it was the death of Dumbledore that really pushed him over the edge.

bad dog

HOW COULD YOU ROWLING!?!?!?

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I neutered my dog on Valentines Day and now I’m being haunted by his balls… seriously.

Posted on February 18, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Let me just start by stating that I’m not a bad person, or a sadist, or a hater of stupid holidays created by Hallmark. It’s just that was the only day they had open for surgery for like months!

And let’s think about this, Valentines Day is a celebration for Saint Valentine, who was beheaded. So technically, I was just celebrating the holiday, ‘literally’… true, I cut off Orko’s balls and not his head, but we all know what boys really think with…

ANYWHO, I was instructed by the vet to keep a close eye on the suture site to make sure there was no bruising, pussing, leaking, bleeding, oozing, and any other bad ‘ing’ thing that could possible occur.

Naturally being the sound, rational person I am, these instructions SCARED THE BAJEEZUS OUT OF ME!

I was inspecting Orko’s manly region every hour, on the hour!

So Sunday… 4am… I wake up to pee… yes I pee at 4am… no I’m not a 94 year old man… FOCUS… so… decide to do a surprise inspection… roll Orko over… look down… and… his balls have grown back.

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stared down at these two large, hard (yes I touched them) balls! One on each side of Orko’s penis (yes I know what the penis is now… shut up).

I grab my phone and call my vet’s emergency after hours number.

Girl: Hello, thank you for…

Me: MY DOGS BALLS HAVE GROWN BACK!

Girl:… excuse me?

Me: YOU GUYS CUT THEM OFF AND NOW THEY’RE BACK!! 

Girl:… ma’am, I need you to take a breath.

Me: TAKE A BREATH!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE!?!? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TELLING YOU!?!? THERE HAS BEEN A MIRACULES EVENT HERE… HIS BALLS HAVE RISEN AGAIN!!

Girl: Ma’am I really don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Me: WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE!?!? HE HAS DIVINE BALLS! THEY WERE CHOPPED OFF THREE DAYS AGO AND THEY HAVE RISEN AGAIN… oh my god, they were chopped off 3 days ago, and have now risen again… MY DOG IS THE NEXT MESSIAH!!!

Girl: Miss… have you been drinking…

Me: NO! THIS IS JUST HOW I AM!!! FOCUS WOMAN!! DIVINE BALLS!! MESSIAH DOG!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SHOULD I BRING HIM IN FOR AN EXAMINATION?? SHOULD WE CALL THE VATICAN?? WHAT!?!?!

Girl: I’m gonna transfer you to a technician.

*hold music*… Beethoven’s 5th Symphony… ‘Hallelujah’

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!

Technician Dude: Hello, I don’t think I understood the front desk admin correctly, what’s your emergency?

Me: DIVINE, RISEN AGAIN, BALLS!!!

 Technician Dude: Okay, I guess I did hear correctly.

Me: HE WAS NEUTERED ON THURSDAY AND THE BALLS ARE NOW BACK! MY DOG’S BALLS HAVE RETURNED TO SAVE MANKIND!!!

Technician Dude: You had your dog neutered on Valentines Day?

Me:… seriously, that’s all you got out of that?

Technician Dude: Okay, explain to me what you’re looking at right now.

I rolled Orko over and looked down.

Me:… they’re gone.

Technician Dude: The miracle balls?

Me:… ya.

Technician Dude: Okay, was there anything else we can help you with tonight?

Me: DUDE, HIS BALLS ARE GONE!

Technician Dude: … yes ma’am, you had him neutered on Thursday.

Me: But, but they were just here… do you know what this means?

Technician Dude: I’m afraid to ask.

Me: PHANTOM BALLS!! I’M BEING HAUNTED BY MY DOGS CHOPPED BALLS!!!

Technician Dude: Okay, have a nice evening ma’am.

After some crazed Googling I found out Orko’s balls were not haunting me nor was he the next messiah… I had just, once again, been touching my dog inappropriately… fracking bulbus glands.

The bulbus glandis (also called a knot) is an erectile tissue structure on the penis of canid mammals.  During mating the tissues swell up and lock immediately after penetration of the male’s penis inside the female. For domestic dogs the tie may last up to half an hour or more, though usually less.

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I don’t need your pity!… I get enough from my dog

Posted on February 12, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So, was watching some Westminster Dog Show last night, cause I’m a dog owner now and that’s what we dog owners do… right?

Anywho, I got excited extremely excited holy shit losing my mind excited when the Herding Group came on and out walked an Australian Shepherd that looked JUST like Orko.

I grabbed my phone to record, what I was sure to be, an erratic display of excitement by Orko at seeing himself on tv… I was severely disappointed… until Orko felt pity for me and threw me a bone…

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I blame my parents for leaving the chicken out of my sex talk.

Posted on February 7, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

One of my gal pals, Emma, is having a birthday bash this weekend at a VERY swanky restaurant.

Since I’ve never been I decided to check out their menu online… dude. Here’s just a couple things from the Small Plates menu:

Grilled Cardoncello Mushroom, Garlic Toast, Arugula, Grated Yolk $8
Chicken Liver Mousse, Pumpernickel, Pickled Egg $9
Raw Brussel Sprout Salad, Golden Raisins, Angostura Vinaigrette, Crispy Pig Ears $11

I quickly posted on Emma’s Facebook birthday event page to discuss my concerns.

Me: $9 for A pickled egg!?!?… this better be the worlds GREATEST pickled egg ever!!

Emma: Well to be fair it is technically an entire chicken so $9 for a pickled chicken doesn’t seem so bad now does it?

Me: DUDE!!!! There’s a chicken IN the egg…. *glarp*…. sounds delightful

Ashley: There’s an entire chicken in the egg?! That doesn’t seem sanitary.

Emma: Obviously your parents never had the sex talk with you.

Me: THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CHICKENS IN THE SEX TALK!?!?!

Ashley: It was the most uncomfortable 4 minutes of my life … Oh wait you mean the talk …

Me: … dude.

Susan: I love you people.

Ya, this is definitly going to be an interesting evening…

This picture made me snort coffee... enjoy.

This picture made me snort coffee… enjoy.

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I’m addicted! But it’s a good addiction… although it did almost end my marriage and set fire to $10,000 worth of computer hardware…

Posted on February 6, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I finished my first Vlog and it was a blast! I’m totally addicted to it now.

I think I’ll make this a regular thing, especially since everything is all set up on my computer, and hubby has started talking to me again and the smell of melting plastic has finally faded… but that’s for another blog…

HAHAH I kid! I tell you now.

So last night I asked Hubby to set up this little computer camera thingy I had bought for the vloging. He said he would do it after he completed the next level… an hour later he was still playing Gears of War.

To be fair, in the gaming world a “level” can take days. But I had a vlog that needed to be done DAMMIT!

so… I decided to set it up myself… for those of you that don’t know me in the regular world… this was a HUGE mistake… of like Titanic proportion.

So the directions said that set up was SO easy I would be up and running in 5 minutes, Sweet!

2 HOURS LATER

Me: WHY WON’T YOU FIT IN THE HOLE!?!?! 
hahaha that’s what she said. 
DAMMIT MONA!! This is NO time for joking!!!
.. sorry.

Hubby: BABE!! STOP!!! OH GOD!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

Me: Hi sweetie, how’s the game going?

Hubby: WHY DO YOU HAVE THE SOLDERING GUN NEXT TO MY HARDDRIVE!?!?!

Me: Well. The instructions said this dohinky thing would fit into that hole… but it didn’t… too big.
SO I found another dohinky thing that would fit but it wasn’t conneted to the camera.
SO I pulled the one dohinky thing off the camera and tried to put the smaller dohinky thing on it… but it didn’t fit.
SO I thought I’d just forget the dohinky things all together and connect the wires from the camera cord just directly to the computer..
SO I…

Hubby: Step. Away. From. The. Computer.

Me: but I…

Hubby: And. Put. Down. The. Soldering. Gun.

Me: Okay but I…

Hubby: NOW!

Me: FINE! GEEZ! I was just trying to be nice and not disturb you during your game!!

Hubby: NEVER be nice to me again!

Me:… oh I’m holding you to that one!!

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I’m a Vlogger!!!… and kinda fuzzy…

Posted on February 5, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay first vlog (video + blog) DONE!

Learned lots of things with this first vlog:

1. Don’t move hands or you go fuzzy

2. Have the post printed out so you don’t lose your place, AND

3. Do not leave an open bag of dog food unattended… ENJOY!!

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God wants to pop my bubble!!!

Posted on February 5, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Just updated the cover photo on my facebook page and I think it’s BRILLIANT!!

… until Ashley pointed out it looks like God’s trying to give me a wet willy…

pop

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Budweiser… you son of a beech!

Posted on February 4, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I don’t know if any of you have seen the Budweiser Clydesdale Super Bowl commercial. But if you haven’t… DON’T WATCH IT!!!

It’s brutal, seriously I’ve been crying since yesterday… but if you enjoy emotionally fucking with yourself… well then, here ya go.

It gets worse people… there’s an extended version… DAMN YOU BUDWEISER!!!

 

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HEAR ME!! no seriously… you’re gonna hear me.

Posted on February 4, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

UPDATE
Okay it’s been decided. Tonight I will record myself telling the ‘Don’t Panic, That’s Just His Penis’ story, with special guest Orko… and his penis.  Ya, this is gonna go well.

So one thing my friends tell me, a lot, is that when they’re reading my blog they can totally hear my voice telling them the story. And apparently this makes the post even better.

I, ofcourse, love this. But it got me thinking, what about all my other readers? What about all those poor souls who have never heard me tell one of my real life, totally true, no embellishments what so ever stories?!?

It’s just too mean to withhold this joy from them.

SO, I’ve decided to record myself reading one of my past posts with all my normal gesturing, voices and general bounciness that is me… but which one? Cause you know, they’re all so damn funny.

And I decided… I’ll let you guys decide! 
First person that comments with a post title they want to hear me read wins!

I was going to make it a poll and have the first post to reach a 100 likes be the winner. But that could take years and as the lady says “AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!”

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