GOOGLE!!! Why Have You Forsaken Me??

I think I titled this right, I’m not quite certain what forsaken means. Pretty sure I read somewhere that Jesus said that when he was on the cross, although he didn’t say Google but Father, who happened to be God, which starts with the same 2 letters as Google and people usually go to both of them when they have life questions, but other than that the similarities end…

I’ve gotten off point, it would probably just be easier to Google ‘forsaken’ but THAT’S what ruined my weekend and made me the butt of all of Hubby’s jokes since!!!!

Okay… explaining… so Hubby and I are new to Arizona and we decided to take a car trip up north to explore. Totally out of character, Hubby took control of the trip and routed out all our stops, the wife in me was delighted, the planner in me was annoyed to no end as that has always been my job!

Anywho, our first stop was the Montezuma Castle.

castle?

I was a little disappointed it wasn’t an actual castle, but still… pretty cool.

I tried to get Hubby to let me pick a location to visit, but I was vetod and we headed off to his next planned stop, Tuzigoot National Monument.

tuzigoot

Again pretty cool, but we couldn’t totally enjoy it as Orko (our lovable, but stupid dog) decided to chase a butterfly off the monument. He literally jumped OFF the top wall!! Luckily, I saw it happening and yanked on his leash while he was midair causing him to come flying back, crashing into Hubby, and sending them both to the ground, they were bruised, but okay.

After this near death experience, I declared that I was taking lead of the sight seeing and would be picking our next location to visit. I scanned the map we had got at the tourist shop and saw a park called Dead Horse… sounded intriguing… so I Googled ‘Dead Horse Park’, and THIS is what Google showed me…

Colorado River from Dead Horse Point State Park

WOW!!!!

I shoved the picture under Hubby’s nose declaring that I had just found us the AWESOMEST spot to see.  He was impressed, and confused, wondering why he hadn’t found that when he researched our trip.  I explained that I was just more awesome than him and grabbed the map to give him directions.

15 minutes of me singing my own praise, we pulled into the park… the flat, no river, no mountain park…

Dead Horse 2

Me: … I don’t understand, this doesn’t look anything like the picture.

Hubby: Are you sure that picture you saw on Google was of Dead Horse Park?

Me: Duh, of course it was, I typed it exactly… Google would NEVER lie to me.

Hubby: Let me see your phone.

I handed it to him and after a pause he got that smile on his face.  I hate that smile, it usually only appears when I have made a complete ass out of myself.

Hubby: Well you’re right, that picture is of Dead Horse Park… Dead Horse Park in Utah… forgot to type Arizona in your search didn’t ya?

Me: *fist shake*  GOOOOOGGGGLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

It’s been 3 days and Hubby is still making fun of me. I would plot my revenge, as I’m really good at that, but I always use Google to come up with my clever revenge schemes and we’re still not talking to each other… I wonder how long it took Jesus to forgive his father?

Dude, I am going to get so much religious hate mail for this post… I blame Google… and my parents for not taking me to church more often… but mostly Google.

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How teaching my dog how to swim became a Doctor Who episode.

TA DA!  I said I would post about Orko’s first swimming experience and I did! I’m actually becoming a dependable and honest blogger… well let’s not get crazy.

SO here is a photo montage of Orko and Hubby in the lake for the first time, well technically it’s Orko’s first time in the lake as Hubby’s swam before, although technically technically he’s never swam in THAT lake before… so I stick with my original sentence… Orko and Hubby’s first time in THAT lake.

I can just hear the Whovians yelling “SHUT UP WOMAN AND TALK ABOUT DOCTOR WHO!!!” … Don’t get your bow ties in a twist, I’m getting to it.

Who did my parents throw my frisbee into this gigantic puddle?

“Why did my parents throw my frisbee into this gigantic puddle?”

OH MY GOD!! WHERE'D THE GROUND GO!?!?! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!

“OH MY GOD!! WHERE’D THE GROUND GO!?!?! COME ON FRISBEE, WE’RE OUT OF HERE!!!!”

SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!

“SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG, SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG!!!”

Asshole

“Asshole”

"Laugh now lady, but wait until you see what I'm gonna do to those new fancy flip flops you got"

“Laugh now lady, but wait until you see what I’m gonna do to those new fancy flip flops you got”

… Okay Whovians… do you see it… no!?!? Here, I’ll help.

OMG

… still no!?!?! Okay I’ll crop and blow it up by 300%…

Close up

NOW DO YOU SEE IT!?!?! Don’t you  understand what that is!?!?!

lake

AAAHHH Astronaut in the lake! ASTRONAUT IN THE LAKE!!!!!
RUN DOCTOR RUN!!!!

Doctor Who

ooohhhh too late…

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You live in Phoenix now… try not to kill your dog

So there are some important things to take into account when you move from the Northern Hemisphere to the Southern Hemisphere… okay I know Arizona is not in the Southern Hemisphere, but it feels like it.  I mean come on, 107 degrees and it’s not even the “hot” season yet… COME ON!

Anywho, first thing to take into account is shorts, buy like a million of them, the only thing you should have more of than shorts is flip flops.

I’m serious.

You’ll need your around the house flip flops, your hanging out with friends flip flops, your date night flip flops, your formal occasion flip flops.  You Northerners probably think I’m kidding, but the flip flop selection here is so vast, it’s like… it’s like… I’m trying to think of a good comparison to help you grasp the vastness…

GOT IT! It’s like the locally brewed beer selection in Portland! I know, that’s vast.

The second thing to take into account is the amount of time you spend outdoors doing activities, more specifically doing outdoor activities with your dog… it wasn’t my fault. Granted I say that a lot, but seriously, it wasn’t.

Hubby and I decided to take Orko to a local dog park… to play some frisbee… during the day… without water… okay it was my fault… please don’t send hate mail, seriously I hate myself enough.

After about 20 minutes of some hard-core frisbee play, which was just a starter for him in Portland, Orko was starting to look a lot like Gene Simmons… seriously.

gene-simmons-tongueOrko Tongue

(I love the woman in Orko’s picture, I can just hear the judging in her body language.)

So Hubby and I called it a day and took Orko back home, where he  was in this position for the next 5 hours. I had to keep toeing him to make sure he was alive.

OrkoDOA

We felt awful and decided to make it up to him by taking him to a local lake the next day! Tons of swimming and fun and staying cool the entire time!!

Except… we had forgotten that Orko had never been in a lake… or any body of water… so he didn’t know how to swim… it went great… not really… but that’s for another blog… which will post tomorrow… seriously… would I lie to you??

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It’s all fun and games till a bird poops on you.

WE DID IT!

Hubby and I are in Phoenix!! Goodbye rainy Portland days, hello sweltering Phoenix days… this is better, right?

Anywho, the move down was quite an adventure as Hubby and I decided to drive it… nonstop… all 1,350 miles… ya.

So I was in the car with CIA Cat and Hubby was in the Uhaul with Orko.  We couldn’t have them in the same vehicle together as I’m pretty sure that’s how Word War III will start.

It was all going pretty well, and since I was Red Bulling it, I never got tired, I also was seeing all the colors of the rainbow and I having a really interesting conversation with Barnabas, the purple unicorn in my back seat, when Hubby called requesting a potty break.

Me: Roger roger good buddy, that’s an OK for a stop to flow the river, OVER!

Hubby:… Babe we’re on phones, there’s no reason for CB talk.

Me: Say again Tony the Tiger didn’t read your original shout out, OVER!

Hubby: okay I have to admit I like Tony the Tiger.

Me: Sweet! Call me Goddess Fantastico!

Hubby:… no… Over.

Me: Dude, not cool.

So Hubby and I stopped at a rest station and I was kicking back with Barnabas enjoying my 20th Red Bull when I heard a strange squeaking noise followed by someone screaming my name. I looked over to see Hubby running towards the car with a flock of seagulls dive bombing him from all sides.

Hubby: OPEN THE DOOR!

Me: WHAT THE HELL!?!

Hubby: I GAVE ONE A FRY AND SUDDENLY HE HAD LIKE A HUNDRED FRIENDS!! OPEN THE DOOR!!

Me: WHAT IF THEY GET IN THE CAR!?!

Hubby: OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I GET AN EYE PECKED OUT OR POOPED ON!!!

Me: I FIND IT INTERESTING YOU PUT MORE EMPHASIS ON THE POOPING THEN THE LOSS OF AN EYE!

Hubby: OPEN THE DOOR!!!

Me: OPEN THE DOOR… WHO???

Hubby:… YOU ARE FREAKING KIDDING ME!!

Me: SAY IT!!!

Hubby: OPEN THE DOOR… goddess fantastico…

and I did… and he didn’t talk to me the rest of the trip… and it was still worth it… and I took a picture…

birds

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My evil magical billowy pants are trying to kill me

The only reason I can think of why my pants are trying to kill me, is because they don’t fit. 

I’ve packed on a couple pounds since I bought the pants and I’m not able to zip them up all the way. But this is okay as I wear a long blouse over them so you can’t see the half massed zipper.  No harm no foul… apparently the pants don’t view it this way.

Outraged by my insult to its design it has decided to take revenge on me… publicly… and embarrassingly.

The event occurred while I was running for the train.  The evil bastered billowy pants used its floppy billowness to fling itself under my heel and send me flying into the air.

My Mind: WE’RE GOING DOWN… TUCK AND ROLL… TUCK AND ROLL!!!!!!

My Body: ARE YOU INSANE!?!?! LOOK AT WHAT I’M WORKING WITH!!!! SHE CAN’T EVEN SKIP!!!!

My Mind: TUCK AND ROLL DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Body: AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fell flat on my face

My Mind: Oh for Christ sake.

My Body: Bite me, at least she’s not dead.

As anyone who falls in front of an entire train full of people, my one and only thought was to get up as quick as possible and act like nothing had happened, and step on the train.

And that’s when the train doors closed in my face.

Me: DDDUUUUDDDEEEEEEEE!

Entire Train Population:  BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! 

There was a pause and then the doors opened again, oh thank god, I stepped in… and everyone applauded me.

Fail to Win in 0.5 seconds, take that evil magical pants!!!

So that’s why the pants are evil… but the magic part came when I sat down.

I pulled up the pant leg and saw a huge red hole in my knee… but the pants… were not torn at all… EVIL MAGIC PANTS!!!!!

Torn knee

Torn knee

EVIL MAGIC PANTS!

Non-torn EVIL MAGIC PANTS!

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And now one of my boobs is flatter then the other… thanks a lot Victoria Secret!

So I’m hanging at home, watching some tv, when I see it…

It is every girls fear…

Right up there with snake in the toilet…

Or rat in your hair…

It’s…

SPIDER IN YOUR BRA!!!

Like any rational person, I lost my fracking mind, and then proceeded to beat the living shit out of my boob…

Seriously I was so freaked out with this spider getting away or, even worse, biting or possibly even laying eggs in my booby, that I went all out and held no punches…

Literally…

At one point I flat out punched my boob…

I finally eased up on my one man fight club,  pulled out my shirt, and looked down to make sure the spider of doom was dead…

fffffuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk…

It hadn’t been a spider…

It had been a part of my black lace bra peeking out the top of my shirt…

I know you’re laughing…

Stop it! You would have done it too…

Don’t believe me?…

Here’s a pic I took afterwards of what I saw before I lost my mind and destroyed my left boob…

photo

Admit it…

you would have done the same thing…

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Holy Sh*t, I Have Superpowers!!

So last weekend me and some of my favorite ladies had a spring clothing exchange.

For those of you that don’t know what this is, you’re weird… but I’ll still explain.

All of your friends gather together with clothes they don’t wear anymore. Either the clothes are  too big, too small, too loud, or just too… something. 

Everyone also brings a couple bottles of wine, not to exchange but to drink. You need some liquid courage when you’re stripping down naked in front of a room full of women who all have better bodies then you, even though they’re all thinking that you have a better body then them and you’re thinking they’re crazy and they wish they had your boobs, and you wish you had their legs, and so on and so on, but anywho… I digress.

Once the clothes are laid out and the wine glasses are in hand, all hell breaks loose.

It’s a ‘first grab, first have’ kinda thing. So there’s a lot of pushing, shoving, biting, kicking, and general good times as you fight for that blue chiffon dress that you are positive you will die if you don’t get, but in reality you’ll probably just  wear it once and then throw it in the back of your closet to only be brought back out when it’s time to go to another clothing exchange, it’s a vicious, vicious clothing hording circle… but I digress.

So the main craziness was dying down and I decided to document the awesomeness and screamed out “HEY! LOOK AT ME, RAISE YOUR HANDS, AND SAY HHHEEEYYYYY!”

and they did…
Group

But upon further examination, I realized that they weren’t the only ones who did… direct your gaze to the tv… here, I’ll help.

Close up

I CONTROL THE PEOPLE IN THE TV!!!

BAM… your mind blow.

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Facebook, telling the world of your sexual shortcomings since 1997

Aaahhhhh Facebook, once again you have made me look like an idiot… a TMI idiot.

Explaining, this morning I discovered that my back passenger window refused to roll up.

So I did what anyone would do, I posted my situation and anger on Facebook:

Mona’s Status: SHIT SHIT SHITTY SHIT DAY!!!!!!!

Susan: Who’s kneecaps do I have to bust

Me: My cars

Susan:… hubcaps it is then.

Me: My window wont go up!

Susan: BAAAA HAHA

Ashley: AHAHAHAHA

James: hahahahahahha

Teeny: lol

Me: I hate you all

Me: HUBBY GOT IT UP!!! What took me 30 minutes and failing took hubby less than 5 minutes to get up!!!!!

Susan: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Ashley: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

James: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Teeny:… tmi… lol

Me: I hate you all

facebook-email-stalker-app-cry-for-help-ecards-someecards

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And that’s how I, accidently, destroyed a Yoga instructor

I like cheese… cheese don’t like me…

It’s shocking how many times I forget this, case in point, last night.

It started with me sitting on the couch with a full box of crackers and a block of cheese, it ended with me laying on the couch with a box of crackers and an empty cheese wrapper…

Now you’re probably thinking, well that’s not too bad, just stay in the comfort of your home and ride out the horror that is soon to come in the privacy and safety of your own bathroom.

And I totally would have… except… I had kinda promised Susan I would go to Yoga with her… in like 10 minutes.

YOU IDIOT!

I KNOW!!!

I rolled myself off the couch and down the hall to the bedroom… that’s not a grammar error, I actually rolled down the hall, well maybe more like an army crawl, if the army was a walrus, that had just been hit by a speed boat, and was descending to the oceans depth, to die…  anywho I digress.

So I got to my bedroom and put on my tightest pair of workout pants, I needed all the support I could get to keep in the impending doom.

Then, being who I am, I updated my status on Facebook regarding the current events that were unfolding, which was quickly replied with WAY too much glee from people I had thought were my “friends”.

But jokes on them, I went through that entire class without one toot, seriously not a rip, floof, honk, parp, air bagel, one man salute, bun shaker, tail wind, fluffernutter, what the dog did, break the sound barrier without a plane, turd whistling for the right of way, doing the one-cheek sneak, insane in the methane, or telegraph from Ft. A-hole to Cmdr. Nostril announcing the arrival of Gen. Shat*! (*god bless you UrbanDictionary.com).

Unfortunalty while laying in my final comfort position, I realized I had foolishly forgotten about… the chi straightner.   

The Chi Straightner is when the instructor comes up to your totally relaxed motionless body, leans down, and pulls your legs. 

It’s meant to be a final release of pressure and stress… wow, was.it.ever.

I’m not saying it was bad, but by the time I had finished, the instructor, who was still holding my legs, had gone from a sun kissed gold to a 5 day old corpse white, had shrunk 5 inches and what was left of her beautiful long straight hair had,  literally, curled.

But being a professional, she wordlessly placed my legs back down and moved on to the next person, who was Susan, who was convulsing in the fetal position, partly because of her attempt to hold in the laughter and also because of her attempt to get away from the ode de Mona.

Cheese – 1

Mona – 0

Yoga Instructor – 100

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And that’s how I caused mass hysteria on public transport

I would just like to start this blog, the same way I start most of my stories that end in total and complete mayhem, by stating that it was NOT. MY. FAULT… okay maybe a little bit.

This is how it went down. It’s Monday morning… that in itself should already explain plenty, no one is in their right mind on Monday morning.

SO, I’m sitting on the bus when I hear the following behind me…

*gasp* *gurgle* *groan*

 Now again it’s Monday morning, so I shrug it off as someone having a pretty hard time recovering from the weekend, but it starts getting louder…

 *GURGLE* *GROAN* *GASP*

 Then my imagination starts being a dick…

 Imagination: Ya know what that sounds like Mona?

Me: I don’t care, shut up, go away.

Imagination: that sounds like… The Walking Dead!

Me:Dude, not cool. And no it doesn’t…

 *GROAN* *GGRRR* *GURGLE*

 Imagination: Oh. My. God. You’re gonna die!

Me: SHUT UP! It’s just someone having a REALLY hard time getting going this morning and needs some coffee.

Imagination: Ya, someone having a hard time cause they’re dead and not wanting coffee but the brains of the living!!

Me: I hate you so much right now.

Imagination: It’s probably already eaten everybody behind us and is doing its slow zombie walk towards you… brains… Brains… BRAINS!!!

At that moment the poor person behind me decided to pull the cord for the next stop and their hand brushed up against my shoulder.

 Me: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDONTEATMYBRAINS!!!!!

This is when I discovered that everyone around me had been having the same conversation with their own imaginations, because my scream caused the entire bus population to either scream and/or jump out off their seats, and I shit you not, one guy went into ninja stance.

The groaning, gurgling, gasping, and grunting had stopped because who had been causing it was an old man’s bull dog that had been sitting at the very back of the bus, and was now unconscious.

It had either fainted from all of us turning suddenly and screaming at it … or had possibly died…

I would prefer to go with fainting as the other would be too much to handle on a Monday morning.

WHY IS SHE SMILING!?!?!?

WHY IS SHE SMILING!?!?!?

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