Put down the gun lady, I’m just here for a spray tan!

Posted on July 26, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I’m not a beginner when it comes to spray tans, I’m Irish, it’s really the only way I can get a tan on my skin. There are 2 colors I’ve been able to pull off on my own, ‘Dead for Days’ White or ‘GOOD GOD WOMAN! EVER HEARD OF SUNSCREEN?’ Red. And even after the burn has faded, I’ve only gone from ‘Dead for Days’ White to ‘Only Been Dead for Hours’ Pink.

So for special occasions, I often make my way to a tanning salon with a spray tan booth. If you’ve never done a spray tan booth before, let me give you some helpful tips.

1. Get naked, seriously, it’s the best for no lines and you’re in a room alone, so go all out.

2. Don’t forget to put on the lotion… IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!!… Sorry! Sorry, couldn’t help myself.  But seriously you put the lotion on your hands and feet so the spray tan doesn’t make them orange.

3. Make sure to take a deep breath and hold it before the spray starts. The booth will give you a beep down to spray time, DO NOT take a breath on the final beep… seriously, at that point it’s too late and you’ll get a mouthful of tanning solution. That taste never goes away, plus you live in horror that your teeth may tan too.

4. Once completed, dab yourself with a towel DO NOT RUB. Made that mistake my first time and had lovely streaks all over my body the next day, Hubby could not stop laughing.

Anywho, back to the present, I found a great Yelp review for this woman named Diana who, per the reviews, was a GENIUS when it came to spray tanning, so I made my appointment. Although I didn’t really get why I needed a genius to show me to a spray tan booth… I really should have thought about that a little more.

Appointment day arrived. I walked into the shop, which was actually a whole bunch of little shops, and met Diana.  She walked me to a room and closed the door behind us… hhhmmmm… it was a small room, contained a chair, some towels, a cupboard… and that’s it… No spray tan booth.

I turned to Diana, to ask her about the missing tanning booth, only to see her holding a paintball gun.  WHAT THE FU…!?!?

Diana: Okay strip.

OH MY GOD! I’M BEING ROBBED… WITH A FRACKING PAINTBALL GUN!!!

Me: It’s an old dress, it’s not worth anything!

Diana: … okay… but still, we don’t want to get it covered with spray tan.

Ooooohhhhhh, right. Not a paintball gun, a spray tan gun.

Diana: So do you want to do it naked or keep undies on.

Me: UNDIES ON!

I’m not a prude, but dude, I had just met Diana, she was gonna need to buy me a drink before she could see my hoo haa. Her seeing the boys, I had no problem with, at some point of time I think everyone in the world has seen the boys.  THAT’S why they’re called the boys, and not the girls, they’re always popping out at the wrong time and getting in trouble.

I quickly stripped to my undies, looked down, and mentally head slapped myself.  Granny panties… of course I was wearing my granny panties, cause I was on my period… girls you know what I’m talking about, boys… never mind, you’ll never know… unless you’re married, then you know and it’s probably scarred into your brain… where was I?… Oh ya, period granny panties… fanfreakingtastic.

Me: I’m sorry, I’m wearing granny panties, and I totally thought I was getting into a booth, and I didn’t expect to stand in front of a person, and I’m on my period, and these are probably the most uglies panties you have ever seen, and I’m really sorry, and…

Diana: STOP! Trust me, I’ve seen worse… way worse.

I instantly felt better, then realized I was really only better than ‘way worse’ so not that much better after all.

The spray tan session actually went really well, there was some awkwardness in the poses she needed me to make for “optimal spraying” and then there was this paint rolly thing she used in some… interesting places… but that’s for another blog and I’ve already made this longer than it needs to be.

p.s. I used the word panties instead of underwear because my bestie HATES it when people say panties instead of underwear. And she is a faithful reader of my blog, so I’m sure she is currently dying as she reads this post. So with that in mind… PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES!…  And because I love her… MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST!! Okay that should do it, she’s probably curled up on the floor, shaking in convulsions.

I ❤ my bestie…

p.s.s. Has anyone else noticed that the ❤ which is supposed to look like a heart actually looks like a … you know… YOU KNOW… no?… just me??… Okay.

p.s.s.s. I hate it when people use more than one p.s.

p.s.s.s.s. Did you know that p.s. stands for postscript? I know, weird.

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Holy Sh%& look at my lashes… um dude, my lashes are up here!

Posted on July 17, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I was at a “girls meeting girls for friendship and getting wasted” meetup happy hour… WHAT!?!? That’s how I meet new friends!! Anywho, I noticed the woman next to me had the longest lashes I had ever seen!

I leaned in to see if they were those press on lashes, I only attempt to wear those during Halloween… but I didn’t see any black strip on the top of her eyelid… so I leaned in more… must be individual press on lashes… but they looked like they were coming from her skin… so I leaned in more… by now I’m within inches from Lash Lady’s face… and she had noticed…

Lash Lady: … Hi

Me: Your lashes are CRAZY long!

Lash Lady: Thanks!

Me: AND SO FULL! ARE THEY REAL!?!?

Yes I was yelling, it wasn’t my fault, I was 3 martinis in… martinis are my kryptonite.

Lash Lady: Fake

Me: NO!!!

Lash Lady: Honestly, they’re totally fake!

Eavesdropping Lady: They look so real!!! Can I touch them!?

Lash Lady: … uh sure.

And then Eavesdropping Lady grabbed Lash Lady’s boobs…

Obviously Eavesdropping Lady had eavesdropped late in Lash Lady and my conversation.  But like a champ Lash Lady didn’t even bat an eyelash… HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was awesome, I didn’t even mean to be punny!!

After an awkward pause while Eavesdropping Lady went to town feeling Lash Lady up, I finally said, “Yes, your LASHES look so REAL I can’t believe THEY are FAKE…”.

Eavesdropping Lady had the decency to look a little embarrassed and finally stopped her attempt to round second and head for third base with Lash Lady and then turned back to the group of girls at her table…  Who didn’t look that surprised that their friend had just sexually assaulted the woman sitting next to them… well every group has one… I can only pray I’m not my groups…

So Lash Lady and I got talking and she ended up telling me that she was a beautician and she would be happy to give me an in house beauty day, lash extensions, brow waxing, and hair highlights, all at an amazing low price… this is something I would have probably backed out of… but dude… I was on kryptonite number 4 by then… so…

me

BAM! Look at those lashes, and brows, and hair, AND LASHES!!!

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Someone should have prepared me for dog diarrhea

Posted on July 12, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Dude, shut up, I don’t care if the title of this blog makes you sick, try being in my shoes!!

… actually you’ll want to stay away from my pink pumps…Orko didn’t make it outside in time once… *shudder*.

So remember when you were a little kid and you would go running out into the woods behind your family’s cabin with your older brother, and your mom would be yelling out after both of you, “DON’T DRINK FROM THE CREEK, YOU’LL GET THE RUNS!!!”

And you’d laugh, and do it anyways, and then the next day you’d be crying in the outhouse and your mom would be on the other side of the door saying, “I TOLD YOU SO!!”.

…NO? Dude, was I the only kid raised in a log cabin out in the middle of nowhere by hippies!?!?

Anywho, I should have yelled my mothers advise at my dog Orko when he was running around the park, cause he must have drank from the forbidden creek.

I found this out the next day when he was doing his morning constitutional by the biggest tree in the park.  I wasn’t really paying attention on how Orko’s progress was going as you’re not supposed to watch your dog poo, well that’s at least my belief. When ever I see an owner watching their dog poo, I can just hear the dog saying “DUDE!! STOP WATCHING, YOU WEIRDO!”.

So I was giving Orko his privacy, until I heard what sounded like a Harley Davidson revving its engine under water. I looked over to see Orko standing on only his front two legs as the sheer velocity of what was coming out of his behind was propelling his butt and back legs off the ground.

“DUDE!!!” I said.

Orko looked over at me with a wide eyed stare that said, “ARE YOU SEEING THIS!?!?!?!”

Once he was done he did a wobbly back leg kick to cover the horror that he had created… ya righ,t no amount of grass was going to cover that abomination. I looked at the long stretch of awfulness that was in front of me and then at the little plastic bag in my hand… and then back to the horror… and then turned around and walked Orko back home.

I’m a firm believer in picking up after your dog, but seeing as I would need a shovel, wheelbarrow, and hazmat suit to pick THAT up.  I was calling it a day.

I took Orko back home and quickly called the vet.

Vet Lady: How may I help you?

Me: My dog’s ass just exploded.

Vet Lady: Excuse me?

Me: I know, it was unbelievable!

Vet Lady: Okay let’s get you guys in.  When did he last go?

Me: His last explosion was about 10 minutes ago.

Vet Lady: Alright, is he leaking?

Me: Excuse me?

Vet Lady: Some times dogs will have some anal leaking, along with the diarrhea.

Me:  He might leak?… SHIT!… ORKO!!!… WHERE ARE YOU!?!?… OH… MY… GOD… GET OFF THE BED!!…  NO, NO, NOT THE COUCH!!!!… GET AWAY FROM MY CLOSET!!… NOT MY SHOES!!!…  AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Vet Lady: Okay, I’m putting down yes for leaking.

It’s been 5 days on antibiotics and Orko’s bum is back in check. But, dude, someone needs to warn new dog owners about this. It should be included in that little pamphlet they give you at the pound.  The importance of getting your dog spade and neutered, keeping up to date on their shots, and if they ever get diarrhea… duck and cover.

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And just when you think I couldn’t get any awesomer… BAM!

Posted on July 11, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

I was looking at my laptop a few days ago and I realized something… it was dull… like really dull… and depressing… like 5 seconds away from slitting its own circuits depressing.

This is no good! I’m an energetic, fun, quirky, cute, and modest kinda gal, my laptop should match my own awesomeness!!! Seriously, it’s amazing how often my modesty is overlooked…

Anywho, I quickly went to Ebay and Etsy to help bring my laptop out of its dullness depressionous to a new higher level of HELL YA!

And I did… and it’s glorious… I give you…

MY TARDIS!!!!

tardis

And like any great Tardis… IT’S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!!!!

inside

IT’S GOT AN OCEAN IN IT… AND A DOG!!!!!

BAM…. you mind blown by awesomeness.

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How falling to meet Joss Whedon, turned into me not having children… stick with me.

Posted on July 5, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So my friend Ashley just posted something horrifying on Facebook:

Ashley: I just saw Joss fucking Whedon walking downtown Portland. It was literally all I could do not to attack him and request a picture!

Me: … you didn’t… WHO ARE YOU!?!?

Me: SERIOUSLY!?!?!??!?!?!

Me: WHO ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!

Ashley: He was on the phone, that’s the only thing that stopped me!

Me: HE COULD HAVE BEEN TALKING TO NATHAN FILLION!!!!!!!!!

Ashley: I did do the double take… the holy crap… Hand up but your on the phone… walk away.

Me: … dude… just… dude…

Ashley: Don’t judge me!!! I wasn’t gonna be that fan!

Me: Fake fall… FAKE FALL!!!!! We’ve all seen your shoes, it would have been totally believable!

Me: If I had been there I would have pushed you… that’s just the kind of friend I am.

Ashley: And that kids is how your aunt Mona broke my leg to meet Joss Whedon.

Me: Kids, your aunt Ashley grossly over exaggerates, and it was also to talk to Nathan Fillion.

Ashley: Your kids would never believe that I over exaggerate!

Me: My kids would make it a point to never be in the same room with me and you when we were together reminiscing about that time I almost killed you to meet Joss Whedon and talk to Nathan Fillion.

Ashley:… true… your future kids are kinda dicks.

Me: Word, I might just not have them, to teach them a lesson.

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Finally, I’m NOT the weirdest one here!

Posted on July 5, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So I had my company picture taken. I think it really captures my seriousness and professionalism, that people think of when they think of me…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*breath*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!!

Sorry but dude, THAT was funny.  Also check out my works link to see the rest of our awesome/”special” team.

Screen Shot 2013-07-03 at 3.45.10 PM

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I’m being PAID to blog!!!… Kinda!!!…

Posted on July 3, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Well it’s official, I’m official!!!

Per my unisex bathroom escapade, you know that I’ve started a new job… AND that new job has a blog on their web page… AND I quickly volunteered to write posts for them… AND they read my blog to see how I write…. AND they said “Thanks, but no thanks”… AND I ignored them and started posting stuff anyways!!!!!

Show them they didn’t make a HUGE mistake and check out my article I just uploaded today!!!!

http://www.axosoft.com/blog/2013/07/03/axosoft-award-winning-place-work/

p.s. Yes, I got the dress
Yes, it was delayed another day
Yes, the box was destroyed
Yes, I thought it had been stolen by palm tree trimmers for like 5 minutes
Yes, I was finally able to try it on
Yes, it required two other people helping me to get it on
Yes, an obscene amount of Spanx were required
Yes… IT FIT… with an alarming, yet tasteful, amount of boobage showing.

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You’re Killing me Fedex!!!

Posted on July 1, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

killing

I use “your killing me…” for everything, because The Sandlot is probably one of the greatest movies ever made!!!… seriously… watch it… if you don’t have time, here’s The Sandlot in 5 seconds…

But back to the reason of this post, FEDEX!!!!

As you all know from my last ‘Mona Royally Screws it up Again!’ post, I am currently waiting for a bridesmaid dress to arrive that will either, miraculously fit me to a tee, or  be 2 sizes too small causing my boobs to pop out while I’m walk down the aisle at my friends wedding in 3 weeks… ya.

I’ve been tracking the dress’s progress from Oregon to Arizona on Fedex’s tracking page, kinda like how a child tracks Santa on NORAD at Christmas… no that’s not a good comparison, cause that kid is caught up in the joy and wonder of the tracking and is filled with happy excitment for what Santa will bring them… I. am. not.

Let’s instead say I’ve been tracking the dress’s progress like a NASA scientist tracks an incoming astroid that could either miss the planet by miles OR hit us full on and hence decimating the entire human population.. ya that’s much more accurate.

Well, Fedex is aware of my anxious tracking and is being a dick.

The dress left Portland, Oregon on Thursday… even though the packing label was created on Tuesday… dude… anywho, the dress then was shipped from Oregon to Indiana… DUDE!!!

Let’s go to the map…Slide1
I know some of you are probably saying words like “shipping hubs” and “ground transportation” and “don’t overreact” and to you I say, “SHUT UP, YOU WITH YOUR RATIONAL COMMENTS!!!”.

But thankfully, almost a week after it was sent, the tracker is showing that as of 7:50am this morning, my dress is in Scottsdale, Arizona and “On FedEx Vehicle for Delivery”… BUT the deliver time is estimated to be 7:00pm today…  12 hours… so I’m guessing this is the route the driver will be taking…
Slide1

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Prepare yourselves people… this is gonna get messy. My Intro to a Unisex Bathroom.

Posted on June 29, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay I am loving my new job; there’s no dress code, free food in the kitchen, the soda machine doesn’t require coins, and there are random Nerf gun wars that break out when you least expect it, however, there is one thing about this place that’s gonna take some time getting used to… Unisex Bathrooms.

toilet

Now before you recoil from your computer in horror and run screaming into the sunset, I should probably specify two things. One, I posted that picture cause it’s funny as hell. Two, at my work there are two bathrooms with one toilet in each room and locks on the door. So thankfully I’m not subject to having to try to poo like a lady with some dude listening on the other side of a stall.  Cause let’s be honest, no one can poo like a lady, shut up no you can’t!!… sorry I am certain someone reading this just said “I can!” and no, no you can’t.

My first time I went to the restroom I found myself walking back and forth between the two doors, not understanding what I was looking at, a lot like when I fake throw the ball at my dog and he goes running off and then stops and looks around confused by where the ball has gone, so technically this may have been some sort of karma payback for that… not cool karma, but well played.

After finally realizing that both bathrooms had female/male signs I picked one, walked in, and then locked the door, and then checked to make sure it was really locked, and then checked again, and one more time, walked to the toilet, and then turned around and walked back to make sure the door was locked… fast forward 5 minutes later… I’m now pretty sure the door is locked and no one will be walking in and seeing me on the toilet with my granny panties around my ankles… shut up I need to do laundry and I’m down to the D league again.

Okay prepare yourself, I’m about to share stuff in this next paragraph… and by stuff I mean “stuff”… if anyone has problems with “stuff”, I’d like to recommend a book to you…

Everyone_Poops

Okay door locked, I’m in position, so let’s get this done with as quick as possible. And this is the moment that my body decided to be an ass… kinda literally… let’s just say it gave me back my breakfast burrito… in volume… and definitely not smelling as good as it did this morning.

I. Was. Horrified.

Were the hell did THAT come from!?!? Okay dumb question, but DUDE I had just come in to pee! So now I’m panicking and desperately looking around for the air freshener… no air freshener… SERIOUSLY!?!?! Unisex bathroom and NO air freshener!?!?! I am NOT walking out that door with this smell wafting out behind me, with my luck some dude would be waiting to come in and that’s where horrible office nick names come from!!!

Okay time to get my MacGyver on and work with what I got. Let’s take inventory, toilet paper, paper towels, and soap… SHIT! Even MacGyver would throw his arms up in the air, declare defeat, and prepare for his inevitable new nickname of MacStinkyBottom.

NO! I wont give up! I quickly pumped all the soap onto wet paper towels and proceeded to dance around the bathroom waving my soap laded paper towel air fresheners in the air. It was working! The air was definitely transitioning from stinky, stinky poo poo to orange zestiness… I think… maybe… or I was getting used to the burrito part dues smell… no, no it was definitely more zest then eck!

HA! Kiss it MacGyver, you big quitting cry baby!!

With my job finished I peaked my head outside the door, coast was clear, I quickly walked away and back to my desk.  I sat down triumphant in my victory, until I looked up and noticed everyone looking at me… THEY KNEW!… But how!?!?! It wasn’t possible!! None of them had even left the room!!!

I then looked down at my computer and noticed the time… With my obsessive-compulsive lock checking and the dance of the funk faeries, I had been in the bathroom for over 20 minutes… fffffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkk.

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Hello, My Name is Mona, And it’s been 6 Months Since My Last Royal Screw Up

Posted on June 27, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay we all know that title to be a lie, but I’m currently ranking my screw ups on levels of, “It could have happened to anyone” to “Jesus Christ Woman!… I mean… WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?”.  And when you look at it that way, I really haven’t had a truly WTH moment in months!

So this is how the current one went down, and to be fair, it actually started out as a coulda happened to anyone moment, but has since escalated… drastically.

Six months ago Ashley and I were trying on bridesmaid dresses for Tracy’s wedding, which was 7 months away.

Me: I am LOVING this dress!

Ashley: Sweetie, that is a lot of boob happening there.

Me: I know, the sample size is a bit small, I was barely able to zip it up, and there wasn’t much room left for the boys.

(Side bar, yes I call my boobs boys, they are way too much trouble to be girls.)

Me: So how does it look?

Ashley: I don’t know, all I see is boobs.

Me: Stop staring at my boobs and look at the dress!

Ashley: I can’t! I’m like a deer in headlights, I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!

At this point I may have thrown a fake bouquet at Ashley, which may have caused her to retaliate by chucking a tiara at me, which could have gotten us then thrown out of the bridal shop, not before we ordered our dresses. Ashley got a size 10 and I got a size 8… the same size as the sample dress…

WHAT!?!? The wedding was 7 months away!!! I was totally going to lose 15 – 20 pounds before then and by the time of the wedding I would fit beautifully into that size 8 dress!

Fast forward to 3 days ago, 1 month from the wedding.

Ashley: I got my dress and it is GORGEOUS!

Me: My dress hasn’t arrived yet, how does yours fit?

Ashley: A little snug at the chest but other then that, perfect!

Me: Crap.

Ashley: What?

Me: I may have not lost as much weight as I had planned to when I ordered the dress.

Ashley: How much weight are we talking about?

Me: About 10 pounds.

Ashley: Oh, well that’s still really good! I mean losing 10 pounds will…

Me: No! Not lost… gained.

Ashley: What now?

Me: I’ve gained 10 pounds since we ordered the dresses.

Ashley: … You’re fucked.

Me: ya

The dress is scheduled to arrive on Monday… if you don’t hear from me after that… I’m pretty sure Tracy, aka the bride, has killed me and you should notify the police of my murder.

Here’s a picture of her that you can give the police, back when she liked me and back when I was 10 pounds lighter…

bride

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