I think there’s something seriously wrong with us… seriously.

Posted on February 3, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So you don’t have to be a hardcore follower of this blog to know that I love my dog, but as the great Janeane Garofalo said in ‘The Truth About Cats and Dogs‘; “You can love your dog… just don’t lllooovvveee your dog.”.

That’s really good advice. Don’t freak out, I’m not lllooovvvvviinnnggg my dog, but I am beginning to enter an area of doggie attentiveness that should concern me, let’s be clear it doesn’t… but it should.

On the plus side, Hubby is part of it too… pretty sure that’s a plus… maybe not.

Okay started this morning with a text from Hubby.

Hubby: CAN’T FIND ORKO!

Me: OMG CALL 911!!!!!!

Hubby: ok

Me: KIDDING!!! He’s at doggy daycare today.

Hubby: thought so, but his doggy tupperware bowl is still here, does he have any food for lunch??

Me: Yes, I put it in a sandwhich bag, cause I couldn’t find the tupperware thing, where did I leave it?

Hubby: .. my sock drawer…

Me: Sure, makes sense.

Hubby: HOW!?! HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!?!

Me: Cause I was looking for socks while getting his lunch… duh.

Hubby: Poor Orko, having to go to daycare with a bag lunch, the other dogs will laugh at him.

Me: I know, he needs something cooler.

Hubby: Way ahead of you… BAM!
heman

Me: *GASP* Is that a He-Man Lunch Box with ORKO on the front!!??!!

Hubby: Yes, yes it is. I just ordered it for him.  Does that make me sad or pathetic or both?

Me: um… that… makes you so freaking sexy!!!!

Hubby:  nice

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GOD DAMMIT BUDWEISER!!!!

Posted on January 29, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay 2 posts in one day, CRAZY, I know. But I just saw the new Budweiser Super Bowl commercial and GOD DAMMIT!!

They did it AGAIN!!!

I’m a fraking crying mess.

 

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Hubby’s not dead, so Christmas gift was a success??

Posted on January 29, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So as you know Hubby and I gave each other Christmas gifts that are awesome and “slightly” dangerous.  This weekend we did his gift… RACE CARE DRIVING… it. was. awesome.

Technically the gift was that Hubby would get to drive a Lamborghini 3 times around a race track, while I watched and cheered from the sidelines… so it didn’t quite happen that way.

Hubby did drive the Lamborghini and had a great time. (He’s in the green one)

green

And I was sitting on the sideline waving and taking pictures… until. I felt the earth shake, heard a huge roar, and had a slight orgasm.

I turned around to see a honest to goodness REAL race car pull up behind me.

Me: WOW!!

Race Driver Dude: I get that a lot.

Me: I mean… WOW!!

Race Driver Dude: Want to take a spin?

Me: Really???…WOW!!!!

Race Driver Dude: Are you a screamer?

Me:…

Hubby finished his laps and came back to the watch area just in time to take this shot of me taking off.

WOW

P.S. Yes, I’m a screamer…

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Dammit shoes get your act together!!

Posted on January 27, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So I had the most annoying conversation with my shoes today. Now before you call the crazy wagon, cause I believe my shoes can talk, let me just say… is there really a crazy wagon??

They had one in Beauty and the Beast, remember that part when Gaston had Belle’s father taken away in the crazy wagon? Cause he came into the tavern saying Belle was being held hostage in a castle by a beast and they all laughed and ignored him, but Gaston was all evil and like “Dude, I’m totally going to get Belle by having her dad taken away by the crazy wagon!”… Anywho if Disney says there’s a crazy wagon, then who the hell am I to say there isn’t!?

Sorry, back to my shoes talking to me.  P.S. welcome to my blog, that description of “My Everyday Ramblings” was pretty much spot on.

SO my talking shoes!!! They weren’t really talking… my brain was actually the one talking… well my BRAIN wasn’t talking, it was more like it was talking for my shoes… Fuck it, here we go.

Shoes: We’re on the wrong feet.

Me (looking down): No, no you’re not.

Shoes: Yes we are! Look how weird we look.

Me (looking down again): No seriously, you’re on right feet. It would hurt if you were on the wrong feet.

Shoes: But LOOK, we look wrong!

Me (looking down once again): It’s just cause you’re pointy shoes! Just shut up and… BAM!!

And that’s when I walked into a door… and I swear to fraking Chuck Norris, those assholes laughed.

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LOOK AT MY CUCUMBER!!!

Posted on January 20, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

This may surprise you, but my texting can sometimes be even more sporadic and confusing than my every day talking… or writing… or basically my general every day beingness (shut up, it’s a word).

But one of my proudest accomplishments is, that after 19 years of being together, Hubby can keep up without a hitch.

Not anymore, today,  I sent him a text that was so out of left field, I lost Hubby completely… and also caused him to snort soda, that he is still trying to get out of his sinuses, 2 hours later.

photo (3)

 

P.S. that is an impressive cucumber!

P.S.S. it was like the size of my pinky a week ago!!

P.S.S.S. am I the only person who gives measurements by body parts???

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And now everyone in my office knows the history of Doctor Who… seriously, I gave a presentation… seriously

Posted on January 8, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So my work has these catered lunches brought in every Monday.  And normally we just eat, talk, and then meander back to work. But, our head hauncho decided we should do something fun each Monday to go along with the lunches.

His idea of fun was that each Monday an employee give a presentation about something that the others would find “interesting” or “informative” to their fellow employees.

So, of course, I volunteered first cause I hate public speaking and wanted to get mine done and out of the way.  And what did I choose for my topic… DOCTOR WHO!!!

p.s. SPOILERS!!!! I cover EVERYTHING.

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Hubby and I may be trying to kill each other, in really awesome ways

Posted on December 27, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So my Christmas was Awesome! Hubby gave me Helicopter Flying Lessons… How cool is that?!

I have always wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter, they’re way cooler then airplanes, I mean airplanes need a whole air strip to land. Helicopters can land and take off from ANYWHERE!!

This will be extremely important for when the zombie attacks start and Hubby, CIA Cat, Orko and I need to get out of town stat! … granted we don’t own a helicopter but it’s gonna be a zombie apocalypse!!! I’m pretty sure no one will be guarding helicopters… Okay I may need to think out our escape plan a little more.

BUT back to Christmas gifts! I, being equally awesome, got Hubby Race Car Driving lessons!!! Which, now that I think about it, will also be very helpful during the zombie wars as if we can’t get to the helicopters we can uses his skills to race away!!

Although Hubby says the reason he got me the flying lessons had nothing to do with my weird fascination with fictional apocalypses and more to do with how much I’ve always said I’d love to learn how to fly a helicopter. And he suggests that I got him the race car lessons is because I love him and knew how much he would enjoy them… My friend says the reason we each got each other these gifts is because we’re secretly trying to kill each other.

Anywho here’s wishing you a Happy Holidays!!! And the hope that the Inevitable zombie apocalypse holds off until after Hubby and I complete our lessons.

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What does your life really amount to, if your dog doesn’t even take you seriously?

Posted on December 23, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So I woke up this morning with one of those uber rare feelings of “I’M GONNA GET SHIT DONE AND BE PRODUCTIVE!!”.

Seeing how I NEVER feel this way I jumped out of bed and ripped the sheets of the bed.  I was not gonna let this productivity high fade, I was going to do… laundry… I know! ME doing LAUNDRY!!  But first I had to stop and apologize to Hubby who was now laying on the floor and yelling at me for ripping the sheets out from underneath him.

I ran to the laundry room and joyfully stuffed the sheets into the washer, and went to dump some detergent in… where’s the detergent? After a minor expedition search around the house, trying to find the detergent, which only ended with Hubby yelling at me for opening and slamming shut every drawer in the house and me screaming back we were out of detergent and him yanking me into the laundry room and pointed to the detergent sitting above the washer… whatever.

With the washer happily chugging along, I then grabbed some clean sheets from the closet and started to head back to the bedroom to continue with my uber productive day and make the bed. But then I remembered that military test were you bounce a quarter off a perfectly made bed… My uber productive self could TOTALLY make a coin bouncing bed. Unfortunately finding a quarter took just as long as finding the detergent and twice as loud and ended with Hubby storming out of his office and pelting me with spare change. I decided to forgo the quarter test and just make the bed civilian style.

Unfortunately that’s when things got difficult… yes, THAT’S when thing got difficult.  When I got back to the bedroom I found an obstacle before me.

IMG_0273

What’s the meaning of doggy life??

Me: Orko! Get. Out. Of. The. Bed!

IMG_0271

Excuse me! But I’m thinking big doggie thoughts here!!

Me: Orko Seriously!! I’m uber productive lady and I’m getting shit done!!!

IMG_0269

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Me:…

 

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I cooked the turkey because I didn’t want my husband to set the house on fire with a deep fryer… then I set the house on fire…

Posted on December 13, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT… okay it was a smidgen my fault… But more the dogs then mine… anywho…

The Thanksgiving Fire of 2013, will be remembered right up there with The Great Bathroom Fire of 02‘, and The Lightning Striked Squirrel Fire of 78‘.

This story technically starts over 2 month ago with Hubby trying to convince me to let him deep fry a turkey and me explaining that I’d rather not die in a foul related fire ball death…. hahaha okay I get the irony now.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving day with me in the kitchen basting my lovely oven baked turkey and Hubby in the living room grumbling about how he never gets his way.  I picked up the turkey and hosted it back into the oven, to get some leverage I put my oven-mitted hand on top of the stove and then pushed the turkey with my other oven-mitted hand into the oven, I’m all about safety.

Sadly, I had forgotten that with the glass topped stoves, even if you just turned off the burner and it’s no longer red… it’s still really hot… like burn an oven-mitt hot.

So I bring my head up from the oven, to investigate what that funny smell is, and see a towering flaming mass that is my oven mitt… with my hand still in it.

Me: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH I’M ON FIRE, I’M ON FIRE, I’M CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ON FUCKING FIRE AGAIN!!!!

I then started pounding the shit out of the enflamed oven-mitt with my other hand, which is also still in an oven-mitt.  SO now both my hands are on fire and Hubby’s decided to make an appearance in our own Thanksgiving Dante’s Inferno rendition and starts screaming at me.

Hubby: TAKE THEM OFF, TAKE THEM OFF, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE SET YOURSELF ON FIRE AGAIN!!!!

I flung both mitts off.  One hit the ground, between Hubby and I, and the other one slides a little ways away from us. We begin stomping the hell out of the one between us, which really just involved Hubby stomping on the mitt and me stomping on his feet, but it was out pretty quickly. We then turned our oven-mitt killing eyes towards the other one… which was gone…

We looked at each other in confusion and then realization dawned on our faces. We had just throne something in our house, there is only one person who knows when something is thrown in the house…

Me & Hubby: ORKO!!!!

And with that my lovable, dumb, dog trotted around the corner with a  still kinda on fire oven-mitt clamped in his jaws.

Me: Put it down sweetie.

Hubby: Drop it buddy.

We both slowly inched our way towards Orko, and with a twinkle in his eyes, he took off.  The chase probably only lasted minutes, but it felt like hours, and finally ended with Orko dropping the now smoldering oven-mitt on the Black Friday Sunday Edition newspaper… which ended up earning it’s name… literally.

But happy ending as the turkey turned out great, I had only mild first degree burns on my hand, Orko had no burns in his mouth, and we were able to find the Black Friday Coupon for the new couch we wanted in the remnants of the burnt paper… THANKSGIVING WIN!!!

 

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Death by Toilette Paper Avalanche… I Always Knew That Would be the Way I Would Go.

Posted on November 7, 2013 by But That's For Another Blog

So long story short… hahahhahahahaha, sorry sorry I’ve just never started a story that way.  I mean the best part is the long part… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Sorry, I’m still hitting the leftover Halloween candy pretty hard.

SO, as I was saying, the story… my work has started these tower gardens to help everyone eat healthy in the office.  Lawdan and I have been placed in charge of making things grow, I HUGE mistake. It’s basically like watching the 3 stooges garden, but one was killed along the way in some weird weed wacker accident.  Anywho, this is probably why my work decided to start filming us and has made our “urban farming” journey into a webisode.

So the first 2 episodes were very entertaining and educational, but the 3rd episode brought to light the way I’m pretty certain I will be killed… toilette paper avalanche… IT’S A REAL THING PEOPLE!!!!

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