I did a bad thing and now Karma is gonna make me pee my pants.

Posted on March 12, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

My adorkable pup, Orko, and I hit the trails early Sunday morning.  I was testing out this new leash I got him, it came with a belt for me, so I can walk him with out having my arm yanked off.

It. Is. Awesome.

I just let him pull me along the trail and if he starts pulling too hard, I just lean back.  His 39 pounds is no match for my…. well never mind.

So we’ve been hiking for about 30 minutes and we’re both in a mellow, happy, just walking mood, when suddenly like 20 birds burst out of a bush to the right of us!  I may have screamed like a little girl, it’s all kinda a blur, but when I quickly turned to check on Orko, I am shocked/delighted to see… he’s peed himself.

I have never laughed so hard in my life.

Okay before you start thinking I’m a horrible person, let me explain… why I’m a horrible person. Orko was not in his normal lifted leg pee pose, or even his hunching down cause I’m not sure if I have to pee or poop pose. NO! He was full standing, with wide open eyes… peeing.

MY DOG HAD THE PEE SCARED OUT OF HIM!!!!

I tried to stop laughing, as he was giving me hurt eyes, but I couldn’t. It was probably the funniest think I’ve ever seen and I laughed the ENTIRE way back to the car.  I couldn’t help myself, every time he looked back at me, I’d just start laughing again.

Oh ya, Karma’s totally gonna make me pee my pants… but it will be totally worth it.

Before the pee scare, when he still liked me.

Before the pee scare, when he still liked me.

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WORST LISTENER EVER!!!

Posted on March 7, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

Soooooooo apparently when I got the call from the doctor about my skin cancer I may have heard the word cancer and phased out of the conversation.  Now I only phased out for a few seconds, but that was just enough time for me to miss the part when the cancer lady said that this appointment, the one I went to today, was a CONSULTATION ONLY APPOINTMENT… no cutting, no testing, no disappearance of my nose.

Dude…

I know…

SO next REAL appointment is April 3rd…

Dude…

I know…

SOOOOOOO on the plus side this gives me more time to find the perfect nose that will replace my hacked off one.

I’m thinking Natalie Portman’s nose, that’s a nice nose…. mmmmmmmm Thor.

Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman

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It’s my Skin Cancer and I’ll laugh if I want to!!!

Posted on March 7, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

Probably the most shocking thing that I’ve learned from getting skin cancer is people DO NOT want you to joke about it, or laugh about it, or declare that this is how you get insurance to cover your nose job.

I’ve received emails from friends saying that they know that even though I’m laughing on the outside, I must be so sad on the inside… REALLY? I’m sorry I don’t think we’ve met, my name’s Mona, I’m gonna find a reason to laugh at everything… well except dead animals on the side of the road, that shit is fucking depressing.

I had a co-worker ask me to stop joking that I’m going to be coming in on Monday with no nose, and that I shouldn’t joke, because this is so serious… REALLY?  Skin Cancer is serious? Well shit, thank goodness you told me, I never would have known otherwise!! Dude, they should put that in the news or something, people need to know that cancer is bad… wait, what?? THEY DO!?!? Why am I just hearing about this!?!?

Here’s the thing people, I know skin cancer is serious, and bad, and scary, and sad, and all that other stuff.  But it’s also mine to deal with how I see fit. And I see fit to say “Fuck, I really should have listened to my mother and put on more sunscreen and worn hats!”. But I didn’t, I didn’t wear sunscreen regularly on my face cause it smelled, or it was sticky, or I was lazy, or I forgot, or I don’t know, I have a million excuses for not putting it on daily.  Although, I have no excuse for not wearing hats, I look fucking amazing in hats.

But it’s happened, I didn’t take care of my skin and now I’m paying the price.   If I’m lucky, I’ll only have to pay with a few layers of skin, if I’m not as lucky I’ll pay with a portion of my nose.  But it’s skin cancer, not breast cancer, or ovarian cancer, or any of the other horrible cancers that make people pay so much more then what I’m going to.

So I’m going to look at this as a lesson learned, a lesson that’s gonna leave a scar, but will also leave me alive. And I’m totally happy with that.

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Just when you thought skin cancer was the worst thing to happen to you.

Posted on March 6, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

You all know Sheri, my bestie who chose me over a wine snob and nearly got us kicked out of our favorite bar for making me scream chlamydia.  Well she’s back, and proving to me, on Facebook, that there are much worse things then just finding out you have skin cancer.

Sheri: I know you’ll be totally fine, but this whole skin cancer thing really freaks me out!!

Me: Don’t freak!! It’s not like I’m gonna end up looking like Lord Voldemort… OH SHIT! ;-P

Sheri: Oh crap, now I’m a bad friend because I don’t know who that is…

Me: … dude… that just made me sadder then the skin cancer did.

Sheri: I’m googling him right now!!

Me: Stop! You’re LITERALLY killing me right now!!

Sheri: Oh, it’s a Harry Potter thing. Ok, I see. Yeah, that guy is kinda creepy. Even with no nose, you will still be way cuter!

Me: … thanks… but I have to go evaluate my life that includes a friend in it, who has NEVER HEARD OF LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

Sheri: Oh don’t get your skin cancer in a twist ;D

Sheri: … did you notice I didn’t give my smiley face a nose!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Thirty minutes after finding out I have skin cancer, Hubby discovers the cure to Cancer!

Posted on March 5, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

1:15pm – Hubby and I are on the phone discussing the procedure.

Hubby: I don’t understand, why are they cutting you?

Me: So they can find how deep the cancer goes.

Hubby: That’s crazy! They have to have a machine that can just scan your body and highlight where the cancer is!!

Me: Well I’m sure they do honey, in Star Trek, but sadly here in the present they can only cut. Okay babe I gotta get back to work.  Love You.

Hubby: Ya ya I gotta do some Googling.

1:40pm I start getting texts from Hubby.

Hubby: I ordered you some BeeVinity Cream

It was developed from a lady that had
Lyme disease and got stung by a ton of
bees that ended up curing her

Bee venom has been scientifically proven
to kill cancer cells

I ordered the 50ml Face Cream for you,
don’t hate me, I think it’s worth a try

Me: Why would I hate you, I’m googling the bee
stuff now

$100!?!?!?!?!? BABE!

Hubby: For you and your cute nose, it’s worth it
should be here Thursday

Me: Great before my appointment, I’ll be cured by
the time they start cutting

Hubby: I’m hoping it will stop more growth, and
they don’t have to cut too much

Just thought of this but are you allergic
to bees?

Me: Well I guess we’ll find out on Thursday

I’ve been bit by wasps!

Hubby: I’m googling bee allergy prevention

Me:  Way to think ahead

Hubby: Okay Benadryl and Aspirin will be on standby

How was the wasp sting

Me: Hurt

A lot

It wasn’t a sting, they bite

And I was bit by the entire hive

Fun story, I’ll tell u tonight

Hubby: k

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If you thought I swore too much last time…

Posted on March 4, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

Well per my past blog, they found some skin cancer on my nose.

No biggie, they just sliced a bit, burned the hell out of the surrounding area, and called it good… but.

I fucking hate buts.

I get a call from my dermatologist office telling me the cancer is still there and they need to do a procedure. Being who I am, the phone call went something like this:

Cancer Lady: So we’ll need you to come in for a procedure.

What I thought: FUCK, FUCKETY, FUCK, FUCK, SHITTY, SHIT, SHIT, FUCK!
What I said: Of course, when do you have an opening and I’ll check my calendar.

Cancer Lady: Luckily we’ve had a cancelation so we can get you in Friday.

What I thought: FUCK, YOU ONLY HAVE A FUCKING LAST MINUTE CANCELATION CAUSE THAT PERSON ACTUALLY FUCKING DIED OF CANCER AND I’M FUCKING NEXT!
What I said: Okay, great I’m available Friday. How long do you think it will take?

Cancer Lady: Well we’ll have to slice deeper into your nose for a sample, test it in our office, you’ll have to wait about 40 minutes for results and if that sample comes back positive for cancer we’ll have to cut deeper and continue testing. So depending on the depth of cancer it could be a full day appointment.

What I thought: FUCK, NOT MY FUCKING NOSE!!! I LOVE MY CUTE LITTLE FUCKING NOSE!!! WHY COULDN’T IT BE MY FUCKING ASS, I HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING SKIN ON MY FUCKING ASS FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE!! FUCK, FUCK, FUCKETY, FUCK!!!!!
What I said: Wow, that’s a little daunting, but okay I’ve cleared my whole Friday.  Um, if there is a lot of cancer in my nose, more then just burning could fix, what’s the next step?

Cancer Lady: We would then schedule surgery  and make sure to have a plastic surgeon available for consultation.

What I thought: …
What I said: Fuck

For the first time in my life I’m actually wishing I had got the dreaded German eagle beak nose from my father’s side of the family.  That schnoz could be hacked in half and still be considered a large nose.

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I’m high on grass… literally

Posted on March 3, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So we’re all about getting healthy at work, and to help us on our path to nutrition nirvana, our trainer ,Jake, came in today to make us some wheat grass shots.

Not just any wheat grass shots, his “special” wheat grass shots, from the “special” grass that he grows in his “special” pallets in his “special” soil from his “special” back yard… seriously… this guy has a meditation back yard… I know, I didn’t know those existed either, but they do.  Apparently you need a pond, some trees, and koi fish for you to reach a legit meditation level.

Anywho, he brings his grass, his juicer to our office, and gets to work.  Now I’ve never had a wheat grass shot before, but seriously, how bad could it be?

BAD, it could be very, very, bad!  Especially if you’ve never had one before AND your co-worker keeps egging you on to take another shot, and another! Who ever wrote that shots, shots, shots, song… well they should be shot.

So three “special” wheat grass shots later…  I can see sound… seriously. Not only can I see sound, but sound and I are currently having an in depth conversation about the diverse quantizations of solar flares in relative equality to the weekly amount of nuts stored by squirrels… And I am absolutely certain, that if a squirrel came into my office right now, not only could I commune with him, but he would totally verify my solar flare to nut storage ratio theory!!!

… I keep burping lawn… I’m gonna go lie down…

Jake aka "special" grass guy

Jake
aka “special” grass guy

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YES, ALL THIS SWEARING IS NECESSARY!!!!

Posted on February 26, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

Okay people, I say this cause I love you all… SUNSCREEN!!

Use that shit, and not the low numbered shit, I’m talking the good shit, 30+ baby!

Put that shit on everyday, sometimes twice a day, fuck it, reapply that shit hourly!!

And it doesn’t matter if you live in a sunny place or a cloudy as hell place!

I’m a perfect example:
Portland Spring 2013, notice a little sore on the tip of my nose, I ignore it and it goes away, couple weeks late it’s back, I ignore it and it goes away, repeat until Spring 2014 in Arizona.

Hubby: What is wrong with your nose!?

Me: Wow, thanks. What’s up with your eyebrows?!

Hubby: Seriously babe, you’ve had a scab on your nose for like ever!

Me: It’s not my fault, it just wont go away!!

Hubby: Well stop picking at it!

Me: I DON’T!!

Hubby: Well it’s not going away, maybe you pick it in your sleep.

Me: HOW DARE YOU SIR! I am a lady.

Hubby: Whatever, get it checked out.

So I did, went to a dermatologist and it only took her 1.7 seconds to figure out what it was… Cancer.  FUCK, not malignant, but still serious enough that they cut off a sample and then flash freezed the rest to kill it dead.

And let me tell you, that shit hurts.  The little assistant lady tells you it’s just gonna be a slight prick and then some mild burning.  She LIES!  It felt like she cut my entire fucking nose off and then pulled molten lava down the wound.  I got your slight prick and mild burning right here lady!!

Also, the doctor lady mentioned that if I used my 30+ sunscreen on my face daily then I might see some lightening in my facial brown spots… huh… I used to call those my adorable little freckles… but no, apparently they’re a bunch of fucking sun damaged disfigurations… great.

Lesson learned? SUNSCREEN PEOPLE!!! EVERY DAY!!!

p.s. I colored my hair

p.s. I colored my hair

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Blogging – Anyone Can Do It!!! Seriously, my friend just started and her blog is blowing my blog out of the water…

Posted on February 11, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

OKAY so I think everyone remembers my fantastic just married friend Tracy!  Remember, her wedding was the one that I ordered a bridesmaid dress 3 sizes too small because I was “so certain” I was gonna lose the weight by the wedding… and then gained 10 pounds.  God Bless Spanks and a strategically placed bouquet.

See! Just stand behind the bride and no one can see your bussom bursting forth!

See! Just stand behind the bride and no one can see your bussom bursting forth!

Well the now happily married Tracy has started a blog describing her one year adventure of cooking everything from scratch… I didn’t even know you could do that! I mean the most “scratch” cooking I ever did was make… okay I’ve never made something from scratch, unless you count scrambled eggs… is that scratch??

Anywho, I quickly offered to give her any blogging advice she needed, me being a seasoned blogger of almost 3 year.   True, I sporadically forget I have a blog and when I do remember to blog something I usually end up sharing WAY too much… I think we all remember the great Brazilian wax of 2012. But seriously people, she’s had this blog going for about a month and. it’s. freaking. AMAZING!!

She has fantastic writing skills, I LITERALLY feel like I’m in the room with her listening to her tell this great story.  AND her new hubby is a photographer, so her pics in each blog are AMAZING, they’re like little pieces of art on your screen.  Then there’s her recipes, SUPER easy to follow, with fool proof descriptions, that even I could complete… though I’ll probably never get to since the last kitchen fire has caused Hubby to permanently ban me from the kitchen and/or cooking.

But if you have kitchen rights, I strongly urge you to start following her blog.  Not only is it awesome and super and amazing, but she actually remembers she has a blog so it’s updated regularly… unlike other bloggers we know…

http://scratchitcook.com/

About Page:
Just a Korean born, Polish raised, east coaster who’s fallen in love with the west coast, newlywed, who loves to cook and who is also slightly delusional that my four legged son will live forever.  With the help of my studly husband our goal is to cook entirely from scratch; here’s our journey to that lifestyle.

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I’m alone… and surrounded by drunks… lucky bastards

Posted on February 6, 2014 by But That's For Another Blog

So the Pros of having a meetup group is you can meet tons of fun and interesting people while doing fun and interesting things.

So the Cons of having a meetup group is you can get stood up… a lot.

Case in point, I am right now sitting at a LOVELY wine bar in Scottsdale waiting for 2 ladies from my meetup group, who said they would join me here, and who are now… 50 minutes late…

IMG_0660

Just me, my laptop, a shiraz, and a plate of ‘Spring Bruschettas’ that I’m about to destroy.

While I wait for my 2 meetup companions, who I’m SURE are just stuck in traffic or currently being abducted by aliens, let me describe some of the people that are around me.  Cause I’m nursing one glass of wine and most of them are on their thirds and it’s getting pretty damn funny.  So THIS is what it’s like to be the sober one… weird.

First up we have ‘I’M SINGLE lady’ at the bar, I know she’s single as she’s announced it in a very LOUD voice for the last 30 minutes.  “I JUST NEED ONE. GOOD. MAN.!! She says while swinging her wine glass around. ONE. GOOD. STRAIGHT. MAN!!! She says smacking her friend on the shoulder. ONE. GOOD. STRAIGHT. MAN. WHO. KNOWS. HOW. TO. USE. HIS… her friend then shoved a bruschetta in her mouth before she could finish, but I really wanted to know what the straight man needed to know how to use. I’m guessing a wine opener, straight men are the worst at opening wine bottles, gay men can pop a wine cork in a second.

Next up we have ‘I’m not that fat and not that bald guy’ sitting directly in front of me.  I’m quite certain he’s on a blind date, whom he lied to… horribly.  I know this per the corset lining I can see through his white shirt, the slightly a-skewed wig, and the horrified look on his companions face when he frantically waved at her when she first walked into the pub.  I’m guessing someone fibbed on his online dating profile, by 20 years and 30 pounds.

Then there’s my favorite, “Wine Sommelier Man”,  I could watch this man for hours. He has a wine sample in front of him and has been sniffing, swirling, and sipping wine since I’ve been here and I’ve got his routine down.  Sniff, shake head as if disappointed or saddened by the wine’s lackingness, swirl, sniff again, sip, swish, swish, swish, swallow, begrudglying raise shoulders as if to say “well if this is the best you have…”.  I can also tell he desperately wants us to know he is above us lowly wine pub attendees. He does this by looking at us with a slight sneer on his face, as he gently caresses his cravat.

I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!  I would take a picture but he’s in a shadow and I’d need to use the flash and I’ve only had one glass of wine.  As we all know, 1 glass of wine is happy, 2 glasses is hilarious, 3 glasses is use a flash to take a picture of someone you plan to make fun of in your blog.

So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

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